"Someone call an ambulance, there's gonna be an accident"

It was spring, 1988.
After a couple of years of teenage heartache, Monochrome Baby had finally become my girlfriend. I had traveled to Crapsville countless times but the time had finally come for her to visit Wakefield.
She was being driven up by her friend; TruckerGirl in her little old brown Mini. I had caught the bus down to Wooley Edge services so I could meet them & guide them the last few miles rather than expect two teenage girls to successfully cope with directions (snigger).
Bar the incident I'm going to tell you about I actually remember very little else about her visit.

I think it was the second day when we went to hang out in Thornes Park. We had quite the little posse. There was Gentle Giant, who was on a ill fated mission to woo TruckerGirl, MarriedAProperBitch & Dot had now also come up from Crapsville too. I think Ridgeley may have been about too, but I can't be certain.
We were just all hanging about on the grass, larking about & doing nothing in particular. At one point MarriedAProperBitch decides to go & get ice creams, TruckerGirl goes aswell. In fact everybody except Monochrome Baby & myself goes. Now, here's the thing; the ice cream van is, at a guess, no more than 300 yards away. Yet they all decide to go in the cars. Muppets.
Honestly, MarriedAProperBitch would drive to the toilet if he could fit his car up the stairs!
So the two of us are lying on the ground at the top of a gentle hill in the park, and, as you may expect, we having a bit of a canoodle. MarriedAProperBitch returns in his van which he drives on to the grass & skids to, what he must have thought was an ace stop alongside where we we laying. Monochrome Baby & I were suitably unimpressed.
Then comes TruckerGirl's brown Mini. Fully laden with 4 passengers. She's obviously seen MarriedAProperBitch's super stunt driving & fancies a go herself. However she is not pulling up alongside us, she obviously thinks it'll be a hoot to head straight for the lovebirds & stop in front of us.
We were laying across her path, Monochrome Baby had her back to the car but I was facing it.
And it kept coming.
I remember thinking "Silly cow, I have a go at her for that stunt. Someone could get hurt."
Yet it kept coming.
I distinctly remember TruckerGirl's face changing from mirthful laughter to abject terror as she realised that the car was skidding onwards no matter how hard she applied the brakes.
I dare say she recalls a similar transformation of my features.
And it kept coming.
And then it hit us. Monochrome Baby took the full force of the impact. The next few seconds were just pure terror. We were being pushed along the grass by the car, Monochrome Baby was screaming, actually I think everyone was screaming.
After what really did seem like an eternity, we eventually came to a halt. TruckerGirl got out of the car. "Fucking reverse now!!!" I screamed at her. Which she did.
I was physically OK but I was shaking with fear & shock.
Monochrome Baby had not faired so well. She had been wedged under the bumper & had sustained some sort of back injury. In hindsight, we were lucky it was a Mini, if it had been a normal car it would've simply run over the both of us, which would surely have been a lot worse.
I recall going mental at TruckerGirl, calling her all sorts of names. I later apologised.

So then an ambulance came & whisked my girl off to nearby Pinderfields Hospital. Where she would remain all week. Her Mum & Dad came up to be with her & I hardly saw her.
I was devastated.
I was inconsolable.
Even seeing her naked bottom for the very first time as she was wheeled past me on a hospital trolley wearing one of those gowns that are open at the back couldn't lift my spirits.
I remained like this for days, I hardly spoke to anyone. I hung out with TruckerGirl & Gentle Giant. She was staying in his family's caravan at the front of their house.
They & Gentle Giant's folks were trying to cheer me but I was beyond hope. I was absolutely mortified that this had happened on my turf, that my girl was in pain in hospital &, most of all, that it had been her & not me that caught the brunt of the collision.

Then completely out of the blue, something appeared on the television that made me smirk a little. I hid it for fear of my smile being read as a betrayal of my stricken girl.
Shortly afterwards I was wearing a broad smile & seconds after that I was laughing out loud. Real proper belly laughs.
The source of my amusement that day was a character that will forever have a place in my heart.
Dear readers, I give you...
POB!















After wetting myself to Pob's antics, I brightened up & started putting the whole sorry business into perspective. I got over it.
Monochrome Baby made a full recovery in time, though she often was susceptible to lower back pain from then on. And some months later I got to see her naked bottom again.

As for Pob, well he went on to kick up quite a stink. There were calls for him to be banned from our screens as he was allegedly teaching the nations pre-schoolers to spit at their TV screens & to speak in a strange manner.

He'll always be a hero to me though.
Pob, I salute you.

As I do Charby who unwittingly brought him to the forefront of my mind. And don't forget to look down below for the lyrics quiz.