"Let's hear it for The Boy"
Thought I'd mine the timeline once again.
16 July 1999: at 2.22am The Boy is born. I am thrilled beyond words.
I was at work when I got the call, it was around 4.30pm, the time was almost upon us. The Silver Fox took over my duties & sent me off with a pat on the back. I still remember Buddy With Boobs & Sweetie waving me off with all the giddiness of very giddy people. I drove home & collected my wife & her bag. We then drove to Northampton to the hospital. Upon arrival she was inspected & told to come back in a couple of hours time. So we got back in the car & went to the drive through KFC. Just as I was handed the bag of yumminess, Temper Tantrum yelped & insisted we went straight back to the hospital. We rushed back inside & she was taken to a room where she could chill out & be monitored. I popped out to the car to eat the KFC & have a fag. When I returned they began to administer her with gas & air as pain relief, 5 seconds later she vomited big style. Gas & air out then. Then as per her birth plan, she was moved to a room with a birthing pool. In she climbed...10 seconds later she got out. At this point our midwife make a critical error. Obviously I have to preserve anonymity so I can't go into detail but basically my ex-wife's name is a contraction of her full name ( For instance: Christina could be called Chris or Tina, so for demonstration purposes we'll pretend that is her name & she's known as Tina, ok?). So the midwife says "ok Chris we'll just get you another room" with that Temper Tantrum turned & with all the venom of the child from The Exorcist exclaimed "My name is not Chris!". I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing out loud. So then we're moved to another room & another bed & this time it's for keeps. By this time the pain of the contractions has gotten to the point where the birth plan has been ripped into little tiny pieces & she's practically begging for the epidural that she swore she wouldn't have. The needle was put in her back & soon after she calmed down to levels more chilled than she usually was. By now it was about midnight, we laughed & joked as we listened to late night love on the radio. We also made our final decisions on names. We'd long known that if it was a boy he was gonna be called The Boy (didn't think I'd slip up there, did you?) but we, after much discussion, settled on Cerys for a girl. All of a sudden it was crunch time, the staff became more animated, Temper Tantrum started pushing & with a sound unlike anything I'd ever heard before or heard since, a baby was suddenly with us. I was dumbstruck, awed & humbled. The midwife held the baby up by the feet & Temper Tantrum squealed "Look Flash, it's a boy!" & so it was. The midwife said "Yes & he's a big boy aswell!" referring to his willy "like his Dad?" she said as she winked at me. As our little boy was introduced to his mother I pondered on an appropriate answer to the midwife, there was none so I remained silently bemused. Then it was my turn, gingerly I held my tiny little boy in my arms & said "Hello mate". I was so happy, a different kind of joy from any other I've ever felt. I smiled uncontrollably, like that smile that you can't stop when you're falling in love with someone, only more so. I wish I knew how to fully articulate how I felt at that instant but no matter what colourful descriptions or fanciful words I employ nothing does it justice. I knew that I loved him.
An hour or so later, I left my wife & my son in the hospital as I drove home to get a couple of hours sleep before I could start ringing round all the friends & family to tell them the news. On route to Crapsville I stopped at a garage to get a drink & some fags. Despite it being 4.30 am I couldn't contain myself & told the cashier that I'd just become a Father. He politely acknowledged my news with a smile but it didn't matter to him.
It mattered to me though, more than anything else ever had.
Incidentally, in the extremley unlikely event of the aforementioned midwife reading this, I say E-mail me & you can find out for yourself.
(Sorry I haven't had a shag for yonks & it's starting to take it's toll)
16 July 1999: at 2.22am The Boy is born. I am thrilled beyond words.
I was at work when I got the call, it was around 4.30pm, the time was almost upon us. The Silver Fox took over my duties & sent me off with a pat on the back. I still remember Buddy With Boobs & Sweetie waving me off with all the giddiness of very giddy people. I drove home & collected my wife & her bag. We then drove to Northampton to the hospital. Upon arrival she was inspected & told to come back in a couple of hours time. So we got back in the car & went to the drive through KFC. Just as I was handed the bag of yumminess, Temper Tantrum yelped & insisted we went straight back to the hospital. We rushed back inside & she was taken to a room where she could chill out & be monitored. I popped out to the car to eat the KFC & have a fag. When I returned they began to administer her with gas & air as pain relief, 5 seconds later she vomited big style. Gas & air out then. Then as per her birth plan, she was moved to a room with a birthing pool. In she climbed...10 seconds later she got out. At this point our midwife make a critical error. Obviously I have to preserve anonymity so I can't go into detail but basically my ex-wife's name is a contraction of her full name ( For instance: Christina could be called Chris or Tina, so for demonstration purposes we'll pretend that is her name & she's known as Tina, ok?). So the midwife says "ok Chris we'll just get you another room" with that Temper Tantrum turned & with all the venom of the child from The Exorcist exclaimed "My name is not Chris!". I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing out loud. So then we're moved to another room & another bed & this time it's for keeps. By this time the pain of the contractions has gotten to the point where the birth plan has been ripped into little tiny pieces & she's practically begging for the epidural that she swore she wouldn't have. The needle was put in her back & soon after she calmed down to levels more chilled than she usually was. By now it was about midnight, we laughed & joked as we listened to late night love on the radio. We also made our final decisions on names. We'd long known that if it was a boy he was gonna be called The Boy (didn't think I'd slip up there, did you?) but we, after much discussion, settled on Cerys for a girl. All of a sudden it was crunch time, the staff became more animated, Temper Tantrum started pushing & with a sound unlike anything I'd ever heard before or heard since, a baby was suddenly with us. I was dumbstruck, awed & humbled. The midwife held the baby up by the feet & Temper Tantrum squealed "Look Flash, it's a boy!" & so it was. The midwife said "Yes & he's a big boy aswell!" referring to his willy "like his Dad?" she said as she winked at me. As our little boy was introduced to his mother I pondered on an appropriate answer to the midwife, there was none so I remained silently bemused. Then it was my turn, gingerly I held my tiny little boy in my arms & said "Hello mate". I was so happy, a different kind of joy from any other I've ever felt. I smiled uncontrollably, like that smile that you can't stop when you're falling in love with someone, only more so. I wish I knew how to fully articulate how I felt at that instant but no matter what colourful descriptions or fanciful words I employ nothing does it justice. I knew that I loved him.
An hour or so later, I left my wife & my son in the hospital as I drove home to get a couple of hours sleep before I could start ringing round all the friends & family to tell them the news. On route to Crapsville I stopped at a garage to get a drink & some fags. Despite it being 4.30 am I couldn't contain myself & told the cashier that I'd just become a Father. He politely acknowledged my news with a smile but it didn't matter to him.
It mattered to me though, more than anything else ever had.
Incidentally, in the extremley unlikely event of the aforementioned midwife reading this, I say E-mail me & you can find out for yourself.
(Sorry I haven't had a shag for yonks & it's starting to take it's toll)
And that's what Flash thinks today @ 22:51
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