"I can't believe the news today"
Ooh, I feel like a blogger reborn, I tell thee.
I just wanna blog!
Today, in an idea blatantly stolen from this fella, I'm going to try & give you an insight into what sort of place Crapsville really is. I'm going to do this by sharing the contents of this week's Crapsville Express. The weekly local newspaper, available every Thursday for just 42 English pennies.
So the screaming front page headline?
What have you done?
District leader launces attack on town council.
As this is Crapsville & not one of your big metropolitan cities, the district leader has not gone steaming into the council offices brandishing an Ak-47 & a fistfull of grenades. No he has instead "hit out at the town council for providing nothing but tax increases since it was set up more than three years ago". Blimey!
Remember folks, this is the front page.
So onto page 3. Here's a selection of the headlines...
Fixed penalty notice issued
House opens for charity fair
Fall woman angered by state of pavements
& my favourite; Helicopter creates a stir
This goes on to tell us that "The police helicopter hovered low over Crapsville town centre for around 15 minutes on Tuesday afternoon"
By now, I expect you are all feverishly making phone calls to your estate agents. "Put my house on the market, for I wish to move to Crapsville. It's buzzing there, y'know"
On page 4 we have the Letters to the Editor section.
All 7 featured letters are blathering on about the recent closure of the outdoor swimming pool. As they have been for the last few weeks, hey!, it's a hot topic!
A very switched on Mr Brown opens his letter with "I don't want to read about the outdoor pool anymore". Right on, Brownie. He later observes "Wake up! This is Crapsville, not the Costa del Sol".
Over on page 5 the earth shattering news stories keep coming thick & fast...
Mirrors broken off cars
Attacked lambs make good progress
Ten years of stomping good fun - "A line-dancing club in Crapsville celebrated it's 10th birthday last week." The wonderfully named Stomping Boots linedance club. Personally I can't believe people still do linedancing but each to their own, eh?
The helicopter has been busy apparently, as page 7 tells us...
Copter called for stolen bike
and rather intriugingly...
Nursery raises cash for "yummy mummies". Lordy!
Pages 8 & 9 keep us gripped with some more gripping stuff such as...
Coffee mornings' special brew
By page 10 we're onto the family announcements, even though I'm not Crapsville through & through there is always someone I know in there. This week is no exception as I find that a lad I used to work with has become a father again. Most proper locals know everybody.
The next 3 pages are filled with the Village & discrict diary. This used to be called Village voice, which I think is a much better name for it. Down in Crapper-than-Crapsville there's an event not to be missed; "The annual conservative club Conker Challenge will be held on Saturday, with all conkers supplied by the club". Bloody good job! I wouldn't have bothered going if I had to bring my own!
More news on 16 & 17...
Canadians learn more at Country Park
Stolen goods sold on E-bay (Gasp! No!)
And perhaps the most worrying story yet...
Blueprint of the future is delayed.
To the centre pages now where we find a rather charming pullout featuring photos of all the new children at all the area's schools. And of course the gargantuan property pull out which, more often than not, has more pages than the actual newspaper.
My favourite part of the whole paper is on the centre pages & it's not because it's called Flashback. It's because it reminds us that Crapsville has always been a hotbed of incident & action. This week...
50 years ago... "Crapsville borough council raised no objection to the county planning officer, regarding a British Timken application to erect a large neon sign at their factory".
25 years ago..."Dry-mouthed members of the Crapsville rubber ducks CB group munched their way through more than 150 cream crackers during a sponsored event in aid of charity".
10 years ago..."Twitchers flocked to Crapsville country park after 2 rare birds, a Baird's Sandpiper & a Wilson's Phalarope, were spotted at the reservoir".
Oddly enough, I don't recall that happening.
From then it's the classifieds, the jobs & the cars until we get to the sports bit. One of the town's 2 teams, Ford Sports were whooped 7-1 at Boston & find themselves rooted to the foot of the UCL premier division with just 3 points from 9 games.
Here's where Crapsville has a bit of a scoop. The weekly "column" - "Our man in the middle" - The thoughts of Premiership football Referee, Peter Walton. This week he's boasting how he's had two good weeks, been on Sky twice & had no complaints from Mr. Ferguson about the penalty award against Man Utd for handball.
And there we have the most shocking news in the whole "news"paper. There was a penalty awarded against Manchester United! Crikey!!
Ok, joking aside, I realise that the lack of murders, violent assaults, rapes & other such heinous crimes makes Crapsville a smashing place to live in many respects. Not least as a place to raise one's child.
It just doesn't make for a very good read on a Thursday.
I just wanna blog!
Today, in an idea blatantly stolen from this fella, I'm going to try & give you an insight into what sort of place Crapsville really is. I'm going to do this by sharing the contents of this week's Crapsville Express. The weekly local newspaper, available every Thursday for just 42 English pennies.
So the screaming front page headline?
What have you done?
District leader launces attack on town council.
As this is Crapsville & not one of your big metropolitan cities, the district leader has not gone steaming into the council offices brandishing an Ak-47 & a fistfull of grenades. No he has instead "hit out at the town council for providing nothing but tax increases since it was set up more than three years ago". Blimey!
Remember folks, this is the front page.
So onto page 3. Here's a selection of the headlines...
Fixed penalty notice issued
House opens for charity fair
Fall woman angered by state of pavements
& my favourite; Helicopter creates a stir
This goes on to tell us that "The police helicopter hovered low over Crapsville town centre for around 15 minutes on Tuesday afternoon"
By now, I expect you are all feverishly making phone calls to your estate agents. "Put my house on the market, for I wish to move to Crapsville. It's buzzing there, y'know"
On page 4 we have the Letters to the Editor section.
All 7 featured letters are blathering on about the recent closure of the outdoor swimming pool. As they have been for the last few weeks, hey!, it's a hot topic!
A very switched on Mr Brown opens his letter with "I don't want to read about the outdoor pool anymore". Right on, Brownie. He later observes "Wake up! This is Crapsville, not the Costa del Sol".
Over on page 5 the earth shattering news stories keep coming thick & fast...
Mirrors broken off cars
Attacked lambs make good progress
Ten years of stomping good fun - "A line-dancing club in Crapsville celebrated it's 10th birthday last week." The wonderfully named Stomping Boots linedance club. Personally I can't believe people still do linedancing but each to their own, eh?
The helicopter has been busy apparently, as page 7 tells us...
Copter called for stolen bike
and rather intriugingly...
Nursery raises cash for "yummy mummies". Lordy!
Pages 8 & 9 keep us gripped with some more gripping stuff such as...
Coffee mornings' special brew
By page 10 we're onto the family announcements, even though I'm not Crapsville through & through there is always someone I know in there. This week is no exception as I find that a lad I used to work with has become a father again. Most proper locals know everybody.
The next 3 pages are filled with the Village & discrict diary. This used to be called Village voice, which I think is a much better name for it. Down in Crapper-than-Crapsville there's an event not to be missed; "The annual conservative club Conker Challenge will be held on Saturday, with all conkers supplied by the club". Bloody good job! I wouldn't have bothered going if I had to bring my own!
More news on 16 & 17...
Canadians learn more at Country Park
Stolen goods sold on E-bay (Gasp! No!)
And perhaps the most worrying story yet...
Blueprint of the future is delayed.
To the centre pages now where we find a rather charming pullout featuring photos of all the new children at all the area's schools. And of course the gargantuan property pull out which, more often than not, has more pages than the actual newspaper.
My favourite part of the whole paper is on the centre pages & it's not because it's called Flashback. It's because it reminds us that Crapsville has always been a hotbed of incident & action. This week...
50 years ago... "Crapsville borough council raised no objection to the county planning officer, regarding a British Timken application to erect a large neon sign at their factory".
25 years ago..."Dry-mouthed members of the Crapsville rubber ducks CB group munched their way through more than 150 cream crackers during a sponsored event in aid of charity".
10 years ago..."Twitchers flocked to Crapsville country park after 2 rare birds, a Baird's Sandpiper & a Wilson's Phalarope, were spotted at the reservoir".
Oddly enough, I don't recall that happening.
From then it's the classifieds, the jobs & the cars until we get to the sports bit. One of the town's 2 teams, Ford Sports were whooped 7-1 at Boston & find themselves rooted to the foot of the UCL premier division with just 3 points from 9 games.
Here's where Crapsville has a bit of a scoop. The weekly "column" - "Our man in the middle" - The thoughts of Premiership football Referee, Peter Walton. This week he's boasting how he's had two good weeks, been on Sky twice & had no complaints from Mr. Ferguson about the penalty award against Man Utd for handball.
And there we have the most shocking news in the whole "news"paper. There was a penalty awarded against Manchester United! Crikey!!
Ok, joking aside, I realise that the lack of murders, violent assaults, rapes & other such heinous crimes makes Crapsville a smashing place to live in many respects. Not least as a place to raise one's child.
It just doesn't make for a very good read on a Thursday.
And that's what Flash thinks today @ 20:44
8 Comments:
At 8:54 pm,
Cat said…
My place has started a very glossy magazine as well as the local free sheets. I was quite excited by it, being an avid consumer of glossy mags at all times. Until I realised it cost £1.80 and contained mainly listings. I did, however, place some ads in it (for my work, although I realise I now sound like an escort or something) which means I get free copies. I suspect it will be done and dusted in a few months, as this month's ad was half the price of last.
Oh, and I don't like that Jet album much.
At 12:09 am,
HistoryGeek said…
Although our local newspaper is full of bad news (recent highlights include the man who is being charged for torturing his girlfriend to death in his basement, or the woman who was found bound to a post and on fire about 2 weeks ago), I have to admit to not wanting to live anywhere else.
At 12:21 am,
Cody Bones said…
Does the crapsville paper have a web site so that the rest of the world can keep up with the comings and goings of your fair city.
P.S. I had to google #24 in the lyric meme. I downloaded the song, and I have to give it a big thumbs up. Thanks for the new artist I never would have heard before. BTW, why wern't there any Gnu songs on the list. Inquiring minds want to know. Be good, and thanks for coming back, I even had to post since you did.
At 4:46 am,
Minx said…
I don't think I've giggled quite as much as I did while reading this post.
And as a reply to your comment--no, it very well isn't wise at all, but I was pretty much shanghaied into the idea of sharing a joint with these new friends, and who am I to pass it up? Hehe :)
At 9:40 am,
The Dog of Freetown said…
Brilliant stuff! I predict great things for this new blog direction. I love local papers and local tv news. Brilliant!
At 8:30 am,
Stef said…
It amazes me that people buy these local papers...
Good to have you back Flashy!
At 11:49 am,
Chapstick said…
I know it's a bit late, but for the lyrics, but I have two that haven't been posted.
"Everything about you is how I'd wanna be, your freedom comes naturally" is Muse. Bliss if I remember correctly, and "I set off this morning down the road along the river, Which I take but once a year" is Ash, but I can't remember the song, I've lost it to the crash of a hard drive, makes it hard to listen too.
At 5:48 am,
Hyde said…
Hmmm... Crapsville sounds like you need to see it to believe it. :)
h
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