"Where I end & you begin"

When I was 18 I got a job working for a team of duct erectors on various building sites. I was a fitter's mate. This basically entailed doing all the crap jobs that the fitter didn't want to do, such as carrying the tools, hacksawing lengths of studded rod, going to fetch stuff, etc. I initially found it bloody hard work. Since leaving school I'd worked in shops & in a factory operating a drill all day. I was not accustomed to hard graft & it showed. The most prevalent way it manifested itself was that it would generally take me twice as long as anyone else to get things done.
I was part of a crew of about 12 blokes & of that 12 I was one of 3 called Nik. One day I was beavering away with some menial task when I heard a voice from above shouting "Nick". I didn't look around as I'd become quite accustomed to hearing "No not you, the other one". Again I heard "Nick", again I assumed it wasn't me.
The next time I did look round, I still to this day do not know why.
This time the man on the scaffold platform had shouted "Oi! Flash!"
And that was that, October 1988 I became Flash.
Except I didn't.
Although the name stuck from day one on the sites, away from work I was still simply Nik.
Over the next 3 years or so a few people who I'd worked with had come & gone, as such a few faces round Crapsville now knew me as Flash, on top of that Reckless & Funny Dance had taken to calling me it. Yet it was still just a nickname.
In 1992 I left Crapsville for pastures new (& old) & I left Flash behind. I wasn't addressed as Flash again until the summer of 1994 when I started working at the place I still work now. My supervisor, for some unfathomable reason, could not remember my name. I mean come on, Nik, how hard is it?
Anyway, after a week or so of being called erm & thingamajig, I said to the guy "Look, if you really can't remember my name you can call me Flash. It's an old nickname but I bet you won't forget it". He didn't & thus Flash was reborn.
Over the years it became much more widely used than Nik. Towards the tail end of my marriage (probably around the time of the She Who Changed Everything saga) I started to feel that Flash & Nik were becoming 2 very separate entities. Flash would go out with his mates & be the life & soul while Nik would go home & be the dutiful husband.
Temper Tantrum hated me being called Flash. She despised Dream Girl calling me it, for reasons I still can't figure out. My word, we had some rows over that, I tell thee.
At that time I really did start leading a bit of a double life, I was a very different person when I was not in Temper Tantrum's vicinity. I was me. This was noted by many friends, particularly Reckless & Dream Girl who had gotten to the point where it pained them to see the pale, watered down version of their friend who would accompany Temper Tantrum to visit them.
As you all now I left Temper Tantrum in the summer of 2002. Ever since then I've been free to be whoever I want to be, that somebody is Flash.
In my darker times, I have genuinely feared that I may actually be a little schizophrenic. Nik & Flash arguing the toss in my head. Level headed(ish) Nik telling Flash that "we" really shouldn't do certain things & Flash telling Nik, in no uncertain terms, where to stick his boring, safe way of life. When I had what is thankfully the only anxiety attack I've ever had (soundtracked by Clearlake's "Cedars", fact fans!), it was like the 2 of them actually came to blows in my poorly brain.
Then I started the journal that would become this blog. This blog called World of Flash not World of Nik. Steadily through the support of my online friends the blog has gone from strength to strength. Flash is now undoubtedly who I am & in all honesty; Nik is just a name that my ex-wife & my superiors at work call me. I'm not really sure he exists as a person anymore.
Hell, I even get called Flash in the bedroom these days, which is still a little strange but I like it.
The trouble with Flash though is that he's prone to getting very carried away with himself. Believing his own hype, if you will. In recent weeks I've received a hell of a lot of positive attention from people. Obviously from Nice but also from a lot of other people. It's put a little swagger in my step & a smile on my world-weary face.

So what's the point I hear you ask.
I have got a very real sense over the last few weeks that I have started to become a caricature of myself. Playing up to certain facets of my personality & amplifying them in the name of making Flash out to be the geezer I've always hoped to be seen as.
Yes, I am a ladies man. I always have been, but mainly because I enjoy the company of women as much as I do men's. Not because I'm a letch or a sexual predator.
Yeah, I can flirt for England but that's all it is (usually!), flirting.
Ok, so I talk about sex a lot, that's because it's something I enjoy a lot & hey, don't we all? I also talk about music alot for the same reasons.
I know that I've been milking these parts of my character lately, even if I hadn't noticed it myself (which I have), there have been some pointers in blogland that I would've gotten sooner or lately.

You see, Flash isn't really a very complex character. I just want to be liked, even loved, by everyone I come into contact with. I do know though that I mostly achieve that just by being myself, so I'm slightly perplexed as to why I've found myself hamming up the role of Flash instead of just being Flash.

Some of it is simply because I'm very happy with things at the moment. As a "creative force" I don't really function very well when I'm happy. This I feel as also shown itself to be true here at World of Flash of late. It's a cross I have to bear, honestly I don't think I've ever successfully written a song whilst being happy. Listen to "Confessions..." again, not much joy to behold, eh?
Maybe that's what you get for a lifelong love affair with Depeche Mode, eh?

I think the whole point of this post is two fold.
One; to let myself know that I'm on to me! To write down these feelings just like it was still that little red book I used to carry round with myself.
Two; To let you wonderful people know that I'm on to me. Thanks for the opinions regarding yesterday's query. It was great to get your honest responses. Yes, I'm bound to have changed over the course of this blog, the blog itself has changed who I am to a great extent, I think the word evolved said it the best.
And of course as ST so heartwarmingly said I am a born entertainer, I don't think there's any point denying that, it's who I am & I have a very vocal audience, and my god do I SO love you all for it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for tolerating my up-my-arse moments & that things will start getting a bit more back to normal.

After all, I'm much more of a Chandler than a Joey*

*Tribbiani or Deacon, but not a Tempest (perish the thought!)