"How did it come to this?"
Not a good day. I have spent the last 2 hours feeling really low & on the edge of tears. I don’t really know why.
This morning I had quite a good chat with Dream Girl about Too Keen. As previously mentioned I have been uncomfortable about this whole thing so I asked Dream Girl for her opinion because I always value really highly, even when I don’t agree with her. It was a good chat & it gave me lots of food for thought. I desperately want to be in someone’s arms, to feel wanted. To enjoy kissing & yes: to have some sex, but at what price? What kind of man will it make me if I drive for 3 hours to Somerset just to shag a young girl who I’ve never even seen & who’s never seen me. What kind of girl is willing to offer sex to an older man (How much do I hate that description?!) under the same conditions? Once I’d come what other fulfilment could I expect? I had much the same conversation with Reckless after a paltry 5 hours sleep. He pretty much echoed Dream Girl’s sentiments, but it was nice that he actually talked to me about it. Reckless used to be the one I’d always talk to about my problems but these days he rarely seems to take an interest, “Never mind” being his stock reply to most of my woes. So it was nice to see that he can still show me he cares sometimes.
In my naivety I thought that when I left Temper Tantrum that my life would blossom out of the drudgery that I had let it become. That it would be an adventure. The first 6 to 9 months were but for almost a year now nothing seems to go my way. This is not how it was supposed to be, somehow I’ve managed to trade in a life where someone’s love stifled me & made me unhappy for a life where all I crave is to be loved or at least to be wanted. I’m sure Temper Tantrum would relish the irony of it all with gleeful joy. I remain perplexed & depressed. I’m old enough to know who I am & I like to think my qualities outweigh my failings. Surely financial ineptitude, a low temptation threshold & extreme laziness pale away to nothing next to being genuine, funny, warm, clever, talented, giving & having a heart full of love just waiting to be lavished on someone. Yet here I am, sitting in the boiler room at work 2 hours before I’m due to start because I have nowhere else to go & no one to be with other than this little red book which is (plummeting to new uncharted depths of sadness now!) fast becoming my new best friend. How did it come to this? I have now moved into the much more luxurious surroundings of reception complete with comfy chair & hot chocolate. I’ve actually been really quite naughty, I left The Boy’s house at 19.30 & had nowhere to go so I came to work. I clocked in just before 8 & have been successfully hiding ever since. I shall go & pick up Buddy With Boobs in a few minutes then come back & no one will be any wiser. I will have “earned” about £18 for this time period. Tut tut.
This morning I had quite a good chat with Dream Girl about Too Keen. As previously mentioned I have been uncomfortable about this whole thing so I asked Dream Girl for her opinion because I always value really highly, even when I don’t agree with her. It was a good chat & it gave me lots of food for thought. I desperately want to be in someone’s arms, to feel wanted. To enjoy kissing & yes: to have some sex, but at what price? What kind of man will it make me if I drive for 3 hours to Somerset just to shag a young girl who I’ve never even seen & who’s never seen me. What kind of girl is willing to offer sex to an older man (How much do I hate that description?!) under the same conditions? Once I’d come what other fulfilment could I expect? I had much the same conversation with Reckless after a paltry 5 hours sleep. He pretty much echoed Dream Girl’s sentiments, but it was nice that he actually talked to me about it. Reckless used to be the one I’d always talk to about my problems but these days he rarely seems to take an interest, “Never mind” being his stock reply to most of my woes. So it was nice to see that he can still show me he cares sometimes.
In my naivety I thought that when I left Temper Tantrum that my life would blossom out of the drudgery that I had let it become. That it would be an adventure. The first 6 to 9 months were but for almost a year now nothing seems to go my way. This is not how it was supposed to be, somehow I’ve managed to trade in a life where someone’s love stifled me & made me unhappy for a life where all I crave is to be loved or at least to be wanted. I’m sure Temper Tantrum would relish the irony of it all with gleeful joy. I remain perplexed & depressed. I’m old enough to know who I am & I like to think my qualities outweigh my failings. Surely financial ineptitude, a low temptation threshold & extreme laziness pale away to nothing next to being genuine, funny, warm, clever, talented, giving & having a heart full of love just waiting to be lavished on someone. Yet here I am, sitting in the boiler room at work 2 hours before I’m due to start because I have nowhere else to go & no one to be with other than this little red book which is (plummeting to new uncharted depths of sadness now!) fast becoming my new best friend. How did it come to this? I have now moved into the much more luxurious surroundings of reception complete with comfy chair & hot chocolate. I’ve actually been really quite naughty, I left The Boy’s house at 19.30 & had nowhere to go so I came to work. I clocked in just before 8 & have been successfully hiding ever since. I shall go & pick up Buddy With Boobs in a few minutes then come back & no one will be any wiser. I will have “earned” about £18 for this time period. Tut tut.
And that's what Flash thinks today @ 07:50
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