"Ugly girls know their fate, anybody can get laid"

Funny Dance had his Stag night in Blackpool.
I say night but it was actually a stag weekend.
There was about 16 of us involved, if memory serves.

On the Friday night we were all suited & booted for the first big night out. About 8 of us landed in this karaoke bar on the promenade. Reckless & I had a wheeze doing "Cigarettes & alcohol" in full on Liam Gallagher impression mode. Y'know, hands behind our backs, head angled upwards to reach the microphone & the obligatory "sun-sheeeiiineee...n".
As we departed the stage I noticed a couple of ladies beckoning me to them.
They were both sat at a small table & so as to facilitate good chatting action, I crouched between the two of them. One was quite attractive & certainly not too shabby for Flashman, the other may have crawled out of a swamp.

Before I go on I'd just like to say that I don't make a habit of being mean about people's appearances, in fact usually quite the opposite, people are judged on their personal qualities. However I am not going to lie to impress anybody, she was minging. And I'm sure we've all at one point in our lives been unkind about someone's looks, especially when out having a few beers in the company of the same sex. Cruel? Maybe, but it does happen.

Anyway, I'm talking to the pretty one & the not pretty one keeps patting me on the head & rubbing my hair. When she does this I turn to her & smile asking her what she's doing.
"You're cute, you are"
"Well, thankyou" I say & swifty turn back to her friend.
Anyway after a bit more chopsing I return to my posse but not until I had secured the details of where my new attractive friend was going later.

"Lads! We've got to go to Jellies later cos I reckon I might be in there!"
I received no argument.
Anyway, more drinks were drunk, more songs were sung & eventually we moved on.
To Jellies.
Once in there it didn't take long to find the two women from earlier.
Again I found myself with one on either side of me. I was focusing my attention on the pretty one, whilst all the time trying not to be rude to the other one.
Soon enough, the pretty one started leaning in towards me in that unmistakable way, she was going to kiss me. Result!!
As we kissed I felt something enter my mouth & it wasn't a tongue. It was a piece of chewing gum. I was most puzzled. We broke away from each other & I thanked her for the gum. Just then there was a tap on my left shoulder, I turned straight into the oncoming lips of the girl who is still referred to as the Blackpool Minger.
Shit!
The realisation came far too late, this was some sort of pass the chuddie game. So reluctantly I kissed her & passed the offending item on to her. I finished the kiss as fast as common decency would allow. She was beaming, I smiled an awkward, nervous smile. I looked back to my right to find that the pretty one had vanished as if my magic.
A particular vile brand of sorcery, that one practiced.

So now I'm stuck with the Blackpool Minger. She's showering me with affection & compliments.
At that time in my life my self-worth was at a very low ebb & I found myself thinking the unthinkable. I had a couple of big stiff drinks & then we kissed some more.
Reckless, bless him, came over & asked me "what the hell I was doing"
"She wants me" I said
"I don't give a fuck" he exclaimed "She's totally minging! What sort of friend would I be if I let you go through with it"
"Mate, I'm not used to being wanted" I slurred in my now quite sozzled state.
This was true at the time, but I still knew that he was right & that I would live to regret it.
There was another problem though. All through my life I have had a serious problem with wanting to appear nice at all times. I simply don't know how to say no sometimes, especially if I may have to upset or offend somebody in the process.
I didn't know how to say no to Blackpool Minger, I wish I'd been a nasty shit & said "Bugger off & leave me alone you heifer, I fancied your mate not you" but alas despite all of Reckless' protestations drunk Flash left the club with Blackpool Minger.
We went back to my hotel & had the worst sexual experience I've ever had. I can't imagine it was great for her either.
She told me she was going home to Bolton the next afternoon &, again not knowing how to fend off the question, I agreed to meet her in a pub called The Manchester at lunchtime the next day.

In the morning there was much chortling directed at me. Only about 5 of the whole group had actually seen her but they tried their utmost to describe the full horror of my "conquest". I was still receiving the flack as we all headed out to start the day's drink fest at lunchtime.
I had told everybody concerned that I was resolutely not going anywhere near The Manchester till at least teatime.
We watched the footy (Man Utd vs Chelsea), then we found a place that had cheap beer & a strip show going on all afternoon. We stayed there, unsurprisingly.
(I still have in my possession, a Polaroid of Funny Dance with a topless girl perched on each knee. I thought about scanning it in & showing you all, but who wants to see a picture of 5 tits? I keep it for him in the booklet of the Manic's "Everything must go" CD).

Around 4.30 it was decided that we were now going to The Manchester. For some reason Reckless & I ended up a good few metres ahead of the rest of the group. We walked into the pub & I felt safe in the knowledge that Blackpool Minger would be well on her way back to Bolton by now.
Just then Reckless literally swang me around & we walked straight back out of the pub.
"She was in there, mate!" he said
"Phew! Thanks Reckless, you really are a mate"
"Don't mention it"

By now the other 14 lads had arrived to find us outside the pub.
Reckless addressed the crowd...
"She's in here lads! Come on everybody, come and have a look!"
Bastard!!

So they all piled in & with a surprising amount of discretion they all managed to take a peek at my error of judgment.
I had sneaked in & was now firmly ensconced in an area well away from Blackpool Minger's line of sight.
All the lads came to see me with such pearls of wisdom as "You should get an award for that sort of bravery", "Ugh, how could you?" & the old chestnut; "Hey, any holes a goal, right?".
Oh what had I become?
Before long it was time for us to move on, I headed to the door swiftly but was stopped by Reckless, who had a plan.
Just like criminals being led into court, he covered my head with his coat & we ran out the door.
And we laughed so, so much it was almost worth all the humiliation that had gone before.

Almost.