"My head is saying fool forget her, my heart is saying don't let go"
Sometimes it takes me ages to find a suitable title for a post. Today I could reel off 25 just like that. As I'm sure you're aware today is March 1st. Two years ago today, something happened that would go on to change my life immeasurably. I have not been the same person since that day. I would love to tell you all the story of that day's events but I cannot. What I can tell you however is how I feel today.
Today (& no doubt tonight even more so) has been a battle in my head on many fronts.
The little voice of reason & sanity is desperately trying to be heard with it's proclamation of "It's just a date, it means nothing". Of course the voices of reason & sanity have long been bludgeoned into submission by the voices of sentimentality, self pity & angst.
It pains me that while I, fool that I am, am severely affected by the passing of this special day, I don't know if the other party involved even gives it a second thought. I fear she doesn't & that pains me even more.
Only 2 or 3 people know what happened that night, one of those is Buddy With Boobs. I voiced my worries to her earlier & she said that other people aren't as sentimental as I am & that I feel things too deeply. She's probably right.
One of the things I find really hard to get my head round is that nothing happened 2 years ago today to make me sad. Nothing. Today should be a celebration of one of the best times of my entire life. A time where every passing second was an explosion of bliss. Trouble is, it was all over just 15 days later. An every passing second since then has been an anti-climax. This is the real source of my pain. Two years on & I still haven't attained the same level of happiness as I did then. I don't think I ever will.
So for tonight I shall wallow. I shall punish myself by playing my "reminders" playlist on my pod. As I type... "Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly". It's not that I need to be punished. I feel that life as taken care of that already. Sometimes I fear what would happen if those events ever came to light, but I know that there is no pain that anyone could inflict on me that would be worse than what I continue to suffer to this day.
Sorry for bringing my misery into your world but this is World of Flash & sometimes my world is not a happy place.
Today (& no doubt tonight even more so) has been a battle in my head on many fronts.
The little voice of reason & sanity is desperately trying to be heard with it's proclamation of "It's just a date, it means nothing". Of course the voices of reason & sanity have long been bludgeoned into submission by the voices of sentimentality, self pity & angst.
It pains me that while I, fool that I am, am severely affected by the passing of this special day, I don't know if the other party involved even gives it a second thought. I fear she doesn't & that pains me even more.
Only 2 or 3 people know what happened that night, one of those is Buddy With Boobs. I voiced my worries to her earlier & she said that other people aren't as sentimental as I am & that I feel things too deeply. She's probably right.
One of the things I find really hard to get my head round is that nothing happened 2 years ago today to make me sad. Nothing. Today should be a celebration of one of the best times of my entire life. A time where every passing second was an explosion of bliss. Trouble is, it was all over just 15 days later. An every passing second since then has been an anti-climax. This is the real source of my pain. Two years on & I still haven't attained the same level of happiness as I did then. I don't think I ever will.
So for tonight I shall wallow. I shall punish myself by playing my "reminders" playlist on my pod. As I type... "Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly". It's not that I need to be punished. I feel that life as taken care of that already. Sometimes I fear what would happen if those events ever came to light, but I know that there is no pain that anyone could inflict on me that would be worse than what I continue to suffer to this day.
Sorry for bringing my misery into your world but this is World of Flash & sometimes my world is not a happy place.
And that's what Flash thinks today @ 20:22
7 Comments:
At 8:52 pm,
shorty said…
You definately are a man who wears his heart on his sleeve.
I know what is tugging at your heart, and I know that your love will always exist. Treasure the time you have had together always and memories are good things. Don't be sad tonight, rejoice, go back to that night in your head and be blissfully happy again. For even if it is only a sweet vision that remains in your head at least you have the solice to know that moment actually happened.
Few of us ever get to be with so lucky as to have there fantasy come true. You did.
Chin Up Flash! Talk to you soon!
At 9:24 pm,
shorty said…
What that last paragraph should have said was.... Few of us ever get to live out our wildest dreams or play out the fantasies that go round in our heads...you lived your dream.
With pure pleasure comes pain...this you know.
At 9:29 pm,
GJC said…
Flash--yeah, I'm gonna have to come down on your side of this debate. What good is all this bliss if it doesn't stay--if all I have is the mediocre present and the memory that it once was different? I find myself thinking along those lines a lot.
I don't think about those days if I can help it--remembering is kinda like heroin, actually. It feels great while you're doing it, but then eventually you have to come back to now and nothing's solved.
Jeez, what a pair we are. :) Hang in there, buddy--you might try running YOUR blog through the Snoop-Dogg-ifyer, Good for a giggle, at least.
At 9:38 pm,
Charby said…
Yeah to all the above.
Wallow all you like, God only knows I've been doing enough of it on my own blog lately.
I'm very much with GLADYS on the remembering, its fun to do it but in the end don't help none.
At 10:01 pm,
Flash said…
Gladys - I actually thought of you whilst doing that post. Snoop dogg action coming right up!
At 11:15 pm,
Anonymous said…
Women.....
Can only think of 2 worth the time, and that's me mother & sister.
All the rest...pffhhht (except the ones who post on here of course!)
Show me an unhappy man and you can bet its a woman causing it...
Music is our life's foundation, so get the Ants blasting out and get doing the Prince Charming in the living room, you know you want to *grin*
At 3:21 am,
Hyde said…
Don't know if there's much of a point in debating the merits of "remembering." After all, you're going to remember what you will either way. I know how difficult it is to wear your heart on your sleeve, how it is to feel things "too deeply," and how hard it is to be overly sentimental in a world in which EVERYTHING is fleeting. But life is what it is...Try to take it with a grain of salt. The highs and the lows are bread and butter for the sensitive soul!
-Hyde
Post a Comment
<< Home