"I could take you to work & show you some of my perks"
Today at work I had a disciplinary meeting.
You may remember I got a final written warning last year after the stupid Sexy Shy Smile skiving incident.
The last few months I've found it very tricky getting up for work & am late about once a fortnight.
I've known this day was coming for some time & one of the reasons I haven't bought my flights to the states yet is because I didn't want to burden my self with a debt to Our Kid that I couldn't pay.
Anyway, I still have a job. They have reset my final warning & are going to be monitoring my timekeeping very closely. I will be doubling my efforts because I cannot afford unemployment, both financially & career-wise.
The meeting was with She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile, our HR manager.
Previous to that I seem to have spent lots of time with female colleagues today.
This as inspired me to give you a rundown of the women I work with.
Sweetie - Sweetie (or Queen Bee as I think I may have called in the early days) started about the same time as me, nearly 11 years ago. We have always been friends over that time. There has never been any romance between us, though there have been a couple of near-misses in the past. She once said to me "You're wonderful but it'd be like kissing my brother"*. She is notable for having had relationships with lots of guys at work. I must point out she's not a slapper. In the last 10 years she has had "things" with at least 8 co-workers including She Who Changed Everything's husband & Namesake (who was utterly & savagely heartbroken by her). She is currently living with Delusions Of Grandeur & they are expecting their first child in September.
Though we are still friends, things are much more distant these days which saddens me a little as we used to be very close.
She also can be very, very nasty when she turns.
She has been the undisputed hottest chick at work until recent times when some competition has arrived.
Loves My Sicknotes - A lovely ageing lady who has been our receptionist since time began.
The glamourous granny type, she's always been very nice to me & I think she's got a little soft spot for the Flashman, borne out by the use of the legendary "If I were 20 years younger..." phrase.
Game Old Bird - This 40-something woman works in my department. She's not bad for her age in the looks department & she's a good laugh. She was the owner of the cleavage from where I fished coins out with my mouth at the xmas party. She reputedly has a vicious streak (hmmm, that rings a bell) & has had a tough life. Very likeable person.
She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile - Early 20's girl who despite being quite large framed is very attractive. She also is a really nice girl, I've never had a bad word to say about her. She still keeps the Valentine's card I sent her 2 years ago pinned to her notice board. I actually really like this woman & would dearly love to get to know her better. She does seem to like me too, but sadly not enough. Pity.
Ball Breaker - High ranking management type who takes no prisoners. That said, she is a cool girl & a lot of fun when she lets her guard down. At a medieval night just before the inception of this blog, we sat next to each other & had a real good laugh. I spent quite a bit of time teasing her about her reputation as a hard woman, she responded by standing up, yanking my head back violently via my hair & silencing my yelp of pain by kissing me with some vigour. It's a fond memory & it became the talk of the factory on Monday back at work.
"Flash, were you & Ball Breaker really getting it on?"
"I can neither confirm or deny that!"
My reputation as a Casanova increased 10 fold overnight.
I know what you're thinking; A Casanova that never lets laid!!!???
That's me - A walking contradiction!
Dutch Girl - A relative newcomer on the scene this mid-20's girl is beautiful. I know little of her as she works in our packaging facility on the other side of town. Only last week though I had to do some one to one training with her. We got on like a house on fire & she's clever & funny as well as being hot. Sadly (for me) she is happily married to a very big man. Bugger.
Odious Woman - Urrgh. Vile, mean, rude 50 something woman. On her 4th marriage, 10 kids by (reputedly) 8 different fathers. Cause of fight on bus back from xmas party of 2003. She constantly interrupts conversations & puts a price tag on literally everything she talks about. Once told plant manager to "Fuck off" in a all employee meeting because he had the nerve to tell her to stop having a conversation on her mobile during meeting. Also starts lots of unfounded rumours about people. Quite simply the most horrible woman I've ever met. I give her a wide berth.
Lil' One - One of the Frisky threesome of new girls who work just across from the lab.
Fun, feisty & in possession of a stonkingly hot little body. Not very subtle or bright but likeable all the same.
FlirtyDirty - Like Lil' One she has all the finesse of mushy peas. Jolly,cheerful & clearly digging your correspondent, she's a lot of fun has a filthy laugh, beautiful eyes & a boyfriend.
Nice, Not Hot - Quietist of the 3. She comes across as very sweet natured & kind. She likes football & fine music (it would seem). Out of the 3 I would be much more likely to find her a stimulating partner but I just don't fancy her. Even if I did she has a boyfriend too.
Mystery girl - Another new one who I know nothing about other than she seems nice & looks nice too.
There's 4 other women who work in the offices, they are all over child-bearing age & all nice. I don't interact with them enough to be able to offer any substantial thoughts on them.
That leaves Buddy With Boobs who you all know well enough.
Those are the women I work with.
Now you didn't think I could get through a whole post without whoring my music again did you?
Today "We both know" is up to No.75 on the alternative other chart & up 99 places to No.537 on the alternative chart which goes into five figures before it stops.
This is really good.
I've since found that the charts are updated daily & only one song is included, hence the non-appearance of "Egg wielding freak".
I want to get higher so feel free to help the cause!
*Women, we men know that this actually means "Eeew, I'd rather kiss a tramp's arse than snog you". You're not fooling anybody & though you are quite clearly trying to spare our feelings our knowledge makes your efforts futile.
Rejection is always rejection, no matter how prettily you dress it.
You may remember I got a final written warning last year after the stupid Sexy Shy Smile skiving incident.
The last few months I've found it very tricky getting up for work & am late about once a fortnight.
I've known this day was coming for some time & one of the reasons I haven't bought my flights to the states yet is because I didn't want to burden my self with a debt to Our Kid that I couldn't pay.
Anyway, I still have a job. They have reset my final warning & are going to be monitoring my timekeeping very closely. I will be doubling my efforts because I cannot afford unemployment, both financially & career-wise.
The meeting was with She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile, our HR manager.
Previous to that I seem to have spent lots of time with female colleagues today.
This as inspired me to give you a rundown of the women I work with.
Sweetie - Sweetie (or Queen Bee as I think I may have called in the early days) started about the same time as me, nearly 11 years ago. We have always been friends over that time. There has never been any romance between us, though there have been a couple of near-misses in the past. She once said to me "You're wonderful but it'd be like kissing my brother"*. She is notable for having had relationships with lots of guys at work. I must point out she's not a slapper. In the last 10 years she has had "things" with at least 8 co-workers including She Who Changed Everything's husband & Namesake (who was utterly & savagely heartbroken by her). She is currently living with Delusions Of Grandeur & they are expecting their first child in September.
Though we are still friends, things are much more distant these days which saddens me a little as we used to be very close.
She also can be very, very nasty when she turns.
She has been the undisputed hottest chick at work until recent times when some competition has arrived.
Loves My Sicknotes - A lovely ageing lady who has been our receptionist since time began.
The glamourous granny type, she's always been very nice to me & I think she's got a little soft spot for the Flashman, borne out by the use of the legendary "If I were 20 years younger..." phrase.
Game Old Bird - This 40-something woman works in my department. She's not bad for her age in the looks department & she's a good laugh. She was the owner of the cleavage from where I fished coins out with my mouth at the xmas party. She reputedly has a vicious streak (hmmm, that rings a bell) & has had a tough life. Very likeable person.
She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile - Early 20's girl who despite being quite large framed is very attractive. She also is a really nice girl, I've never had a bad word to say about her. She still keeps the Valentine's card I sent her 2 years ago pinned to her notice board. I actually really like this woman & would dearly love to get to know her better. She does seem to like me too, but sadly not enough. Pity.
Ball Breaker - High ranking management type who takes no prisoners. That said, she is a cool girl & a lot of fun when she lets her guard down. At a medieval night just before the inception of this blog, we sat next to each other & had a real good laugh. I spent quite a bit of time teasing her about her reputation as a hard woman, she responded by standing up, yanking my head back violently via my hair & silencing my yelp of pain by kissing me with some vigour. It's a fond memory & it became the talk of the factory on Monday back at work.
"Flash, were you & Ball Breaker really getting it on?"
"I can neither confirm or deny that!"
My reputation as a Casanova increased 10 fold overnight.
I know what you're thinking; A Casanova that never lets laid!!!???
That's me - A walking contradiction!
Dutch Girl - A relative newcomer on the scene this mid-20's girl is beautiful. I know little of her as she works in our packaging facility on the other side of town. Only last week though I had to do some one to one training with her. We got on like a house on fire & she's clever & funny as well as being hot. Sadly (for me) she is happily married to a very big man. Bugger.
Odious Woman - Urrgh. Vile, mean, rude 50 something woman. On her 4th marriage, 10 kids by (reputedly) 8 different fathers. Cause of fight on bus back from xmas party of 2003. She constantly interrupts conversations & puts a price tag on literally everything she talks about. Once told plant manager to "Fuck off" in a all employee meeting because he had the nerve to tell her to stop having a conversation on her mobile during meeting. Also starts lots of unfounded rumours about people. Quite simply the most horrible woman I've ever met. I give her a wide berth.
Lil' One - One of the Frisky threesome of new girls who work just across from the lab.
Fun, feisty & in possession of a stonkingly hot little body. Not very subtle or bright but likeable all the same.
FlirtyDirty - Like Lil' One she has all the finesse of mushy peas. Jolly,cheerful & clearly digging your correspondent, she's a lot of fun has a filthy laugh, beautiful eyes & a boyfriend.
Nice, Not Hot - Quietist of the 3. She comes across as very sweet natured & kind. She likes football & fine music (it would seem). Out of the 3 I would be much more likely to find her a stimulating partner but I just don't fancy her. Even if I did she has a boyfriend too.
Mystery girl - Another new one who I know nothing about other than she seems nice & looks nice too.
There's 4 other women who work in the offices, they are all over child-bearing age & all nice. I don't interact with them enough to be able to offer any substantial thoughts on them.
That leaves Buddy With Boobs who you all know well enough.
Those are the women I work with.
Now you didn't think I could get through a whole post without whoring my music again did you?
Today "We both know" is up to No.75 on the alternative other chart & up 99 places to No.537 on the alternative chart which goes into five figures before it stops.
This is really good.
I've since found that the charts are updated daily & only one song is included, hence the non-appearance of "Egg wielding freak".
I want to get higher so feel free to help the cause!
*Women, we men know that this actually means "Eeew, I'd rather kiss a tramp's arse than snog you". You're not fooling anybody & though you are quite clearly trying to spare our feelings our knowledge makes your efforts futile.
Rejection is always rejection, no matter how prettily you dress it.
And that's what Flash thinks today @ 21:29
6 Comments:
At 11:19 pm,
shorty said…
Did you ever stop to think that that "phrase" means that....She really wants to kiss you, but she knows it is a guilty pleasure.
Like kissing her brother.
She really wants to, but it would be wrong on so many levels.
I think she wanted you.
What is wrong with you men, if we say something like that, it may also be considered a dare. Perhaps that was her subtle way of wanting you to try to kiss her.
FOOL...Consult your blog girls before you make any more moves. Or moves you don't make. LOL.
Just kidding, I think you are doing a fine job!
At 11:35 pm,
Charby said…
definately!
I also think Mystery Woman should be investigated further!
At 11:38 pm,
Charby said…
Oh and stop being a fool! Consult your girls on every interaction you have with the better sex (lol) We'd help you pull no problems!
At 8:19 am,
Hyde said…
I love your post. Very entertaining! (But drunk AND HIGH while commenting (once again)). I think you should stop thinking of girls so "usefully" and just "see" people. You know what I mean?
-hyde
At 11:26 am,
LB said…
i'm with you, I like the sound of the "She of the Lovely Jubblies" character. kerching.
At 4:09 pm,
HistoryGeek said…
That was the most fascinating post yet, Flash. I don't have brothers, nor was I ever one of "the boys," and most of my male friends are gay. So I've never been able to hear a man describe women (although hearing gay men talk about other men is a hoot!). It's enlightening.
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