"I want to be a happy boy"

Be warned, limited happiness here.

I feel myself at a low ebb. I'm not in the pits of despair but I do feel very low.
I spent almost all of the weekend with The Boy. I'm sure I don't need to tell you just how much I love my little fella, but sometimes the company of a child isn't enough.
I think this is the root of my problem; company.

With Cutieboy's recent hospitalisation (He's home & on the mend now) I've come to realise just how dependent I am on Reckless & Dream Girl for company. Having not hung out for a couple of weeks, I've realised how utterly reliant I am on them. I spent the day with them yesterday which was really nice but once I drove away I found myself feeling much the same.

Then there's this whole blog malarkey. Which has got me to the point of extreme obsessional behaviour. Over the last couple of weeks I've found myself checking for comments & for updates on the blogs I read at an alarming rate. Even going back to other blogs to see if anyone's commented on my comment! See I've been using you guys for some sort of company too. (This may explain why it's all been a bit crap lately. Honestly, I read back over January's posts the other day & it was a much better blog back then.)

It's all a bit strange, one cannot read into people's daily lives, their highs & lows, their stories & events without becoming emotionally attached. Well I cant.
As much as I enjoy having my online friends, & I do consider you friends, it's not like a hands gonna come out of the monitor & ruffle my hair, is it? Nor can I see anyone smile or frown at what I've had to say.
It's not real, is it?

The real world sucks though, I simply don't seem to meet anybody unless they get a job at my work. I'm painfully aware that I should probably join a club or go to nightschool or something but it's practically impossible to do anything like that whilst on the shift pattern I am on.
I went out on the lash on Saturday, with Crisp Fiend. I hadn't been out for a while so I was mad for it. I even had a couple of E's that FlirtyDirty had acquired for me. Wanna know what happened?
Absolutely nothing of any consequence whatsoever.
Nothing.
I had hoped that maybe in the times when my memory had not worked that something exciting had occurred but Crisp Fiend told me today - Nothing.
I'm terrible at approaching people, particularly women. I get so scared & self-conscious that my appearance will instantly put them off that I seldom bother & when I do it's usually in an apologetic way. Incidentally, I don't consider myself to be a minger, I'm just an average looking tubby short mid 30's bloke. I didn't approach anybody on Saturday, just sat with my friends.
What pains me the most about all this is (& I do hope you agree) I know I'm quite an interesting & engaging character. If I'm introduced to someone then 9 times out of 10 we'll get on like a house on fire pretty damn quickly. I'm starting to waffle now.

Then of course there's my old problem of not getting any physical connections with anybody. Reckless was at work yesterday morning while Dream Girl & I had a really good talk, even after he came home it became one of those times that we sometimes share, when it's obvious (to each other) that there is more than friendship between us. Despite that though I don't receive any little strokes or hugs.
It feels like I'm absolutely starving, every now & again I'll get thrown a few crumbs (like the Buddy With Boobs incident the other week) & I'll gorge myself on them. All too soon I'll be starving again until I get to a point where even a few crumbs will suffice because I know that will quell the pain for a short while. Jesus, I could do with a meal, y'know?

As if all that weren't enough my i-pod is now known as Humbert.

I'm sorry for bringing this before you. I'm guilty for feeling so shit about what is a very small problem when compared to what others have to go through.
Usually after a post like this I'd sign off with something like; normal service will be resumed soon.
This time I'm afraid I can't make any promises.