"An end to the tears & the in-between years & the troubles I've seen"

Now I realise there is still over a week of 2004 to go but I also realise that my opportunities for coherent blogging before the year is out could be very limited.
So with that in mind I'm gonna cast a wistful glance backwards at the year gone by.

On the whole 2004 has been a really good year for me. Ok so it hasn't had any of the intense super-highs that it predecessor gave me but it also has gone easy on me with the mega-lows that followed swiftly behind those highs.
Despite the fact that I ended my marriage in July 2002 it's only been this year that I've started feeling single. I put that down to my living arrangements & the fact I was seldom alone.
I love being single, love it. That's not to say I don't miss the closeness & affection of being with a partner, because I do. However, it would now take somebody very special indeed to prise me away from my life of freedom & indepenance. It goes without saying that I miss the sex too.

The things I will remember with a grimace this year are happily few in number. I suffered quite badly with a bout of depression in the early spring, which was a really low time. I was crippled by it but now it seems so long ago.
My birthday was absolutely fucking horrendous. Without question the worst on record but essentially it was only 1 day out of 365.
The other big negative was watching Rainbow Girl morph before my very eyes from a funny, smiling sexpot to a vile, desctructive witch.

So many positives though, so so many.
It was & still is fantastic to get my own place. I love my home, it's my space & my refuge. I call the shots: I can leave the washing up for a fortnight if I wish, I can dance around to some killer tunes in my boxer shorts whilst smoking a big fat spliff if I so desire. Masturbate in the living room? You betcha!

Moving out of Reckless & Dream Girl's has also strengthened several friendships. Not least with the 2 of them. Things were never bad but it all became a bit strained & dull. Now when I visit I feel like my presence is enjoyed rather than endured. Obviously I see so much more of all my friends in Crapsville nowadays where before it was difficult to hang out.

I see lots of my beloved son as I did before but now it's not at her house with her upstairs or having to go to the shops. It's not always at the park or at adventure world. It's at home. Where I can do simple things like prepare meals for him, draw pictures with him & of course play with him. Since I left his mum I've always spent a lot of time with him but now it's real quality time.

I also really enjoy the quality time I get to myself, which was difficult previously. I love Reason & the fact that I'm making some music. I truly get so much from it. Some of the songs I'm working on have been in my head for years just longing to be heard. I really cannot express how much happiness I've got from it. I have always been a creative person & having no outlet for that is intensely frustrating. Though work has stopped for the festive season, my "album" is still on course & I really, truly hope that you guys are looking forward to hearing it as much as I am looking forward to presenting it to you.

Of course Reason isn't the only bit of musical technology that has made me giddy this year. I'll save you the big speech as I'm always going on about but believe me when I tell you: My beloved I-pod has enriched my life.

In the past when I've heard folk talking about "going away to find themselves" I've dismissed it as hippy dippy, tree hugging bollocks, Damn fool that I am. My April escape to Snowdonia was just that. I lied awake in my bed feeling sick with despair & misery then I said to myself "no more". I got out of bed, into my car & just like that off I went. And I did find myself. I'd gotten lost under the weight of all the doom & gloom I was carrying around with me. I will always cherish those few days. They were seriously life-changing and since then I've dealt with life's trials & tribulations with a smile on my face. Depression just simply doesn't suit me.

Finally, there's the small matter of this. This blog & the diary that preceeded it have been crucial in getting back to being the Flashman. I love blogging & I love reading other people's blogs. I've gushed about it several times before so I'll be brief: The people who read these words, I thank every single one of you. Obviously I have special affection for my regular commenters but this isn't a closed shop or a clique. All are welcome in World of Flash. You are my audience, my confidantes, my therapists & most of all, you are my friends.

Bless 2004.