"One more entry in a diary self-penned..."

Hello all.
Just this morning I have finally been reconnected to the internet, hurrah!

While I've been absent though I've realised that this particular blog has run it's course. It's not really appropriate anymore & it's time for a change. For instance, the name Dream Girl just doesn't suit anymore as I have been completely over her for some time now.
No, really I have.

Blimey there has been so much going on here in my world that you wouldn't believe it.
Guess you'll have to check out my new blog if you wanna find out all that's occuring.

"I am walking through Rome..."

Greetings!

Here's the deal folks; I'm not going to be around much in Blogland for a little while. I have no internet access at home at the moment & the bastards at work have now blocked any site containing the word "Blog". It sucks.
Apologies to anyone who may have mailed me recently.

In the meantime though, don't forget I'm still soliciting for the artwork for my forthcoming album; "Backlash". Go on, you know you want to!

Right this minute I am in Italy. In Rome to be more prescise. My extremely lovely girlfriend has whisked me away for the weekend. We are having a wonderful time & it's all beautiful.
Today may well be the best birthday I've ever had.

That's it for me then, be well my lovlies & I hope my absence isn't too long.

Ciao
x

"I would love to go back to the old house but I never will..."

Fucking Pixies!!!!!

There I was, on my way back from the pub after a few sherberts, when I was accosted by a bunch of bloody pixies...
"Oi you lot!" I said "Our business is done, be off with you & leave me alone"
They looked at me, all stonyfaced.
"What?!" I asked as I started to swerve my way up to my building. They didn't answer but kept following me, buzzing around my feet like, erm, little foot buzzing things.
As I fumbled about for my keys upon arrival at my front door one of my pixie "friends" cleared their throat in a very theatrical manner.
I looked down to see him nodding towards the back wheel of the Flashmobile.
"ooh fuck" I exclaimed as I spied the flattened remains of a pixie squishing out from under my tyre.
"Now then Mr. Flash you see how we have a problem here?"
"Hmmm"
Bearing in mind I was perhaps a tad tipsy my following course of action was, at best, ill-advised.
I started with the ringleader, kicking him square in the nuts & smirking a little as he flew threw the chilly night air clutching at his crotch. I got another 3 of them before the remaining 43 pixies wrestled me to the ground. The last thing I remember is being forcefed some kind of potion & being dragged off in the direction of the country park.

I awoke shivering & damp the next morning, at first I was extremely disoriented but in time I got my bearings & realised I was on the canal path in nearby Crapvillage.
And I was in the dock!
Of the Pixie high court!!
On the morning of Xmas eve!!!
What was I to do?
I did what any loving father would when faced with the thought of not being around his offspring over Xmas...
That's right I slaughtered them all with my superior strength & intellect.
I mean, fancy holding legal proceedings with a virtual giant next to a waterway when none of you can swim, Dur!!
The whole episode did leave me in a bit of a state though & it's took until today for my hands to stop shaking enough for me to be able to to type.
I tell you people, Pixies are not to be trifled with! Honest!!!

Well, other than that, the whole Christams & new year malarkey went swimmingly here in Flashland. I shan't expand but it was all good!

Today I saw something that made me very sad. Something that made me go home, get my camera & take some pictures (which isn't that much of a big deal when you consider that the cream coloured building on the left of the picture is my building).
What you see here is The Limes.
Or more accurately, The Limes being demolished.
18 & a half years ago, I moved into that building. It was my very first home of my own.
Initially I lived on the (already demolished) top floor in room No.21. It was a very small oblong bedsit but it was my very small oblong bedsit.
A couple of months later I moved down into No.19. That's my old window, the middle one of the 3 first floor windows.
The building has so many memories for me. Many of them very good. I spent most of being 18 to 21 in that building. At various points in that time all of the Crapsville 4 lived there too. Reckless lived at the back of the building for a while. We were linked by a rickety fire escape & used to have feasts of toast & thickly spread St Ivel Gold in his room. FunnyDance lived directly below me for a while just before he started impregnating ladies for a living & MarriedAProperBitch lived in the biggest of all the rooms (typically him) which is the third window on the first floor.
Such memories...
My only threesome took place in No.21 (2 guys & 1 girl, I'm still in the market for the other configuration. E-mail address is on my profile, girls), my first ever listen to "Violator" happened there, I actually got a girl into my bed within 20 minutes of talking to her from my window (I kid you not!), I accidentally smashed the talking alarm clock that Reckless had bought for me by knocking it off my telly & out of the window, the same window that got smashed by an over zealous co-worker trying to rouse me from my pit at 5am. I actually acquired the name Flash whilst living at the Limes. I took part in a seance, in numerous games of monopoly with various different Limes dwellers & even had at least one very memorable night of sex with Monochrome Baby in the place.
To be honest I'm just scratching the surface.
I'm sure though, that anyone reading this will understand the sadness of seeing this personally historic building being reduced to rubble.

The Limes, I salute you.

"If I only knew the answer, I wouldn't be bothering you"

Evening all!

Are we all ready for Christmas then?
Well, I'm not. Due to my perilous financial situation I have been unable to buy any presents at all thus far. Nish. Nada. Zip.
This Friday sees my quarterly bonus turn up in my malnourished bank account, so Friday & Saturday will be a blur of last minute gift-getting. Excited? No. Scared? A tad.

So far I have received one potential CD cover for "Backlash" &, by crikey, it's very good. I hope you haven't all forgotten about that. I shall naturally be reminding you at regular intervals.
Whilst on about my new album, I find myself writing more songs than is good for me. Though I'm very taken with my latest effort. It's only partially written at this point but it contains one of my best lines ever. Of course you'll have to wait for it.

Now then, I have every intention of hosting the annual Flashy awards later in the week. And I'd like suggestions &/or ideas for how I can spice up this years ceremony. Last year I had that little kitten Charby co-hosting with me plus a red carpet for all the guests to show off their finery. Should I have a co-host this year? If so, who?
Also I would very much welcome any ideas you may have for a new award or two. Go on you know you want to.
I am having an extreme amount of trouble deciding on the winner of one particular award. It's even worse than last year's Hard-fi or Maximo Park conundrum. So I ask you, oh dear reader type person, is it acceptable to have joint winners in one of the most prestigious catogories?
Well, is it?

So I saw "Casino Royale" during the week. I thought it was very, very good. I also thought that Daniel Craig was an excellent Bond. I believe ST was talking about this the other day but I grew up on Roger Moore & Sean Connery, who I personally thought were ace. Both of 'em. I actually liked George Lazenby too, for what it's worth.
I was a huge Bond fan as a kid. My Dad would always take me to the flicks to see the films & they are very fond memories. In addition to that, the movies were always on the telly back then, before the days of videos & multi-channel TV.
From the age of about 16 onwards I pretty much gave up on 007. I have since seen a few of them since "A view to a kill" (surely the best Bond theme, no?) but I never thought much of either Timothy Dalton or Pierce Brosnan. Daniel Craig, however, struck me as a very believable James Bond. So praise to him.
I watched the film at home on a copied DVD. I really don't like to do that, the quality is usually pretty shitty & I've found it really has hampered my enjoyment of several films in the past. Needs must though & the net result is that I got to see the film I really wanted to see.
I humbly apologise to the film industry in general & I promise not to do it again (unless I have to).

Is it wrong of me to want to have some sort of ruck one evening just so I can title a post with "Last night I had a little altercation..."?

Can anybody possibly offer an explanation as to how Samuel L Jackson has just been touching my ear while I was in the bath?

FunnyDance has been in town for a few days. He's hung out here at Flash Towers for three evening's this last week, which has been quite smashing.

Anyway, I really haven't got much of note to say today but I wanted to show my face.
So let's have your thoughts on the Flashys.
What you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting foooooo-ooor?

"She takes her clothes off, one by one..."

Greetings!
So I had a smashing night out with the guys on Friday. We had a couple of beers then an Indian, then some more beer & then we went to Urban Tiger; Northampton's only Lapdancing emporium.
Now lapdancing has been mentioned a couple of times in Blogland lately, so I thought I'd give you my views on the subject.
I like it.
Shocked? Of course not.
Now I do consider myself to be a fairly switched on 21st century sort of man, but I am indeed a man. And I'm a man who loves women. (Even though half of 'em are mentalists!) And I like looking at women, & when those women are scantily clad or naked, I enjoy looking at them even more. Strange? I do hope not.
Do I think the girls are being exploited? I don't think they are. I don't think it's the same ball game as street prostitution, where many girls work out of a great need or are even forced into it. I feel the lapdancers have made an informed choice. A choice that, I have to confess, would not be difficult for me to make were I a lady in possesion of the right "crudentials". I actually got chatting to one of the girls in a very normal manner. She was 23 & she drove from Lincoln (Some 60 or 70 miles) twice a week to work at Urban Tiger. She told me that she earns a reasonable amount of money which is helping to fund her gap year. She also told me that she loves being on the stage & doing her thing. She said it makes her feel good. Fair play to her.
I had a private dance whilst there, funded by TheStoryteller. I very much enjoyed the experience. I found it to be exciting & fun. Harmless fun.
Some of my mates had to go back home & lie about where they had been. They had my sympathy & understanding. I had similar issues with Temper Tantrum & it wouldn't be worth the inevitable shit-storm to mention it. So I'd lie, like they did. Of course, these days I don't have that kind of worry. My rather smashing girlfriend was pleased that I had gone out & enjoyed myself. It's so lovely not to be worrying about covering my tracks. It's the way it should be.

I did strange celebrity looky-likey thing.
Hugh Jackman-Good
Jeb Bush-Bad
Victoria Principal-What?



I have to be at work again at 1am (Don't ask) so I had a little spliff to help me have that rarest of beasts; an afternoon nap. The side effects of said smoke are that I seem to be waffling a bit.
So I'm just gonna bugger off the bed.

"We only want to get drunk"

This year my company are not having a christmas party. That sucks, eh?
So, tonight is going to be the closest I get to one. In just over half an hour, I shall be meeting Crisp Fiend down at 'spoons & shortly after that the Silver Fox will drive us over to Northampton where we will meet the other two members of the lab team; DelusionsOfGrandeur & AnotherForestFool. And our genial host, who is our rep from the company who supply all our process chemicals. He's a good old boy who I shall name The Storyteller.
Bless him, he takes us out every year for crimbo. Last year was bowling, the year before that dog racing.
The most wonderous thing about tonight is that, theoretically, I should need to part with very little of my own money. Thank crikey for that eh?

Tonight's itinery goes something like this; Pub, meal, lapdancing, club.
Nice!
I forsee myself getting royally bladdered.
That's what christmas do's are all about, no?

Let's 'ave it!

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!"

My blood is boiling.
What the fuck was I thinking all those years ago when I agreed to marry that vile, wretched bitch?

My son is ill at the moment, he suffers from Asthma. He hasn't been troubled by it for some time, but it's flared up pretty bad. His mother took him to the doctors this afternoon; he's been given some stronger medication & if that hasn't helped it settle down by the end of tonight then he may have to go into hospital.
I looked after him this morning at mine & though he's wheezing & coughing a lot, he remains in reasonably high spirits.

As my hideous ex-wife was telling me all that an hour or so ago, she also slotted in that because I smoke it's "willful neglect & abuse". Now, before I go any further, I must point out that I DO NOT smoke around The Boy. When he's at mine I smoke in my bedroom with the door firmly closed & the window open. My bedroom is strictly off-limits to The Boy for that very reason.
So; Willful neglect & abuse.
Naturally, I did not take that very well.
My words were along the lines of... How dare you say that to me? Shortly afterwards I hung up on her.

Unfortunately, there was some unfinished business. I rang her back, make the arrangements & then ended the conversation by warning her that I intend to seek legal advice because I do not want to deal with her anymore.

Of course, she wouldn't let it lie there. She phoned some minutes later saying that if I was to take that path it would mean my access to The Boy being greatly reduced & that I would be expected to explain to him why he wasn't seeing as much of me as he's used to. All without bad-mouthing her.

It's been left for now, but for a couple of shitty texts she has sent me.

The thing is this is not unusual behaviour for Temper Tantrum, I let so much go because I like a quiet life & have little stomach for a fight.
A couple of weeks ago she rang me out of the blue one evening & opened the exchange with "Hello Flash it's Temper Tantrum, you're going to have to start coming round here in the evening now & again so that I can go out".
What?
"You can, in theory, go out every night if you so desire while I'm stuck in & I can't afford a babysitter."
To be honest, if she had have asked me if I'd be willing to do that for her I may have begrudingly agreed. But she didn't ask, she demanded.
So I told her No. I am not her babysitter
"You're his father, you have a responsibility!"
Yes I do, and I feel I already fulfill that responsibility more than adequately.
Of course, this made me a selfish bastard.
Naturally.

Right now I am absolutely incandescent with burning rage. A rage that I have no outlet for.
My life is difficult enough at the moment, but I can deal with the bailiffs threatening me, I can cope with the excruiatingly dull dead end job that I have to do, I can handle the worry of not having bought a single Christmas present yet, I can just about manage to carrying on living on a pittance because my outgoings are greater than I earn & I can even deal with a representative of the magistrates court knocking on my door today to present me with a £430 fine from March 2004 that I (100% honestly) had no prior knowledge of.
I can deal with all those things because I do have it in my power to change all that (somehow!).

I cannot change the venomous attitude of the one person in my life that I really, really do wish I had never set eyes on.
And bearing in mind what I said in the last paragraph, I cannot afford a lawyer. So I really don't see a way out.
Should I kill her?

"Quite some time ago when I was younger..."

Evening all.

So, today I have been inspired by the wonderlicious Cat.
She's been reflecting on what she was up to 10 years ago.

That's what I'm going to do too, I'm also gonna go back 20 years too, because I'm old enough.

So Ten things from ten years ago...

1. I was working in the same bloody place that I'm working now. I was a quality auditor back then, with a brightish future. Pah.

2. I was in my first year of marriage to Temper Tantrum, & was probably reasonably happy.

3. I enjoyed a fantastic holiday in Gran Canaria, where some truly smashing people were met.

4. I discovered what live music was really all about; jumping about & getting sweaty to some raucous guitar music. Highlights included Oasis at Knebworth & The Manics in Manchester with Super Furry Animals & an then unknown Stereophonics supporting.

5. My favourite albums of the year included Everything must go by the Manics, 1977 by Ash, A maximum high by Shed Seven & Coming up by Suede. Though I was a year late, I also discovered The Bends by Radiohead.

6. I was extremely worried about Dave Gahan & feared that Depeche Mode would never release another record ever again.

7. My favourite film of the year was Star Trek: First Contact, which is still undoubtedly the finest of all the Trek films.

8. My beloved Leeds United lost the league cup final 3-0 to Aston Villa. Shortly after the final whistle my phone rang. I answered with the words "Fuck off, you big nosed bastard!". Luckily for me it was my Villa supporting mate on the line & not my mum.

9. I met Dream Girl for the first time.

10. I looked like this (with my smashing sister)



















20 years ago...

1. I left school with little in the way of qualifications (not because I wasn't intelligent enough but because I spent most of my school life larking about & acting the goat. Right DOJ?) & found myself working in a tiny, antiquated sports shop in Ossett for £27.30 a week.

2. I lost my virginity to Horny As Hell. Ah, happy days, the thrill of the new, etc...

3. I went on holiday to Skegness with Gentle Giant & his family. It was a hoot.Bizarrelyy, 3 different girls on 3 differentoccasionss told me that I looked like George Michael!

4. I went to what was only my 2nd gig ever. Erasure at Bradford Uni, where me & my chums were lucky enough to meet Vince & Andy before the show.

5. My favourite albums of the year included Depeche Mode's Black Celebration (quelle surprise!), Erasure's Wonderland, Scoundrel Days by A-ha, Please by Pet Shop Boys, Notorious by Duran Duran & The Queen is Dead by The Smiths.

6. I performed on stage for the only time with Irrelevance. A duo that involved me writing, recording & singing everything while the other bloke stood around (hmm, see a pattern there?).
I also made some of my first recordings which included a song called "Backlash".

7. Oh dear, I'm going to look pretty dull here but my favourite film was Star Trek IV: The voyage home. Sorry.

8. Leeds United could have been doing anything they bloody well liked & I wouldn't have cared. I had no interest in football at all 20 years ago.

9. I met Funny Dance for the first time.

10. And I looked like this... (with my chums, including the DOJ on the right there)