"All I need are cigarettes & alcohol"

Hey peeps, I'm back!
I had a jolly old time up in Yorkshire with the family, went to the pantomime, got a bit pissed with The Duke Of Jokes & received some presents.
There was a change of plan though, Dream Girl called the other day to say that they were off to Durham for new year. I decided to stay up in Wakey for new year. Our Kid then suggested that seeing as she had to come to Crapsville tomorrow anyway (to deliver my new washing machine that wouldn't fit in the flashmobile) that she'd have The Boy tonight & bring him back with her tomorrow, that way I could come home & enjoy new year's eve out on the lash, nice! God bless my lovely sister. So after posting this & reading up on all my usual blogs I shall unpack, begin the preening process, have a couple of glasses of red & hit the town.

My new years resolutions this year are threefold & quite a challenge.
Stop smoking.
Greatly reduce the amount of crap I eat.
Become a better employee.
Piece of piss, eh?

All that remains is for me to wish you all a happy, prosperous, flash-filled 2005!
Those of you getting leathered tonight have a good one & those of you not, enjoy your sobriety & laugh at us all in the morning! Adios!

"By the time you get to read this I'll be long gone down the road"

Just a quickie before I head up to Wakefield to say a few things.
Firstly, A big up to the stomppmeister! I'd thought you'd gone the way of dodo mate! I should point out to readers that Stompp was my first real commenter back in the day & thus gave me encouragement to go on. Good to see you.

Now I shall list all the xmas prezzies I have recieved thus far:
A dressing gown

Yesterday I avoided the footy results (standard pratice for making Match of the day more entertaining) so imagine my surprise this morning to see this scoreline
Sunderland 2-3 Leeds United
Ace!

Anyway must go & pack my bag, put some oil & water in the Flashmobile & get ready for the journey home.

"An end to the tears & the in-between years & the troubles I've seen"

Now I realise there is still over a week of 2004 to go but I also realise that my opportunities for coherent blogging before the year is out could be very limited.
So with that in mind I'm gonna cast a wistful glance backwards at the year gone by.

On the whole 2004 has been a really good year for me. Ok so it hasn't had any of the intense super-highs that it predecessor gave me but it also has gone easy on me with the mega-lows that followed swiftly behind those highs.
Despite the fact that I ended my marriage in July 2002 it's only been this year that I've started feeling single. I put that down to my living arrangements & the fact I was seldom alone.
I love being single, love it. That's not to say I don't miss the closeness & affection of being with a partner, because I do. However, it would now take somebody very special indeed to prise me away from my life of freedom & indepenance. It goes without saying that I miss the sex too.

The things I will remember with a grimace this year are happily few in number. I suffered quite badly with a bout of depression in the early spring, which was a really low time. I was crippled by it but now it seems so long ago.
My birthday was absolutely fucking horrendous. Without question the worst on record but essentially it was only 1 day out of 365.
The other big negative was watching Rainbow Girl morph before my very eyes from a funny, smiling sexpot to a vile, desctructive witch.

So many positives though, so so many.
It was & still is fantastic to get my own place. I love my home, it's my space & my refuge. I call the shots: I can leave the washing up for a fortnight if I wish, I can dance around to some killer tunes in my boxer shorts whilst smoking a big fat spliff if I so desire. Masturbate in the living room? You betcha!

Moving out of Reckless & Dream Girl's has also strengthened several friendships. Not least with the 2 of them. Things were never bad but it all became a bit strained & dull. Now when I visit I feel like my presence is enjoyed rather than endured. Obviously I see so much more of all my friends in Crapsville nowadays where before it was difficult to hang out.

I see lots of my beloved son as I did before but now it's not at her house with her upstairs or having to go to the shops. It's not always at the park or at adventure world. It's at home. Where I can do simple things like prepare meals for him, draw pictures with him & of course play with him. Since I left his mum I've always spent a lot of time with him but now it's real quality time.

I also really enjoy the quality time I get to myself, which was difficult previously. I love Reason & the fact that I'm making some music. I truly get so much from it. Some of the songs I'm working on have been in my head for years just longing to be heard. I really cannot express how much happiness I've got from it. I have always been a creative person & having no outlet for that is intensely frustrating. Though work has stopped for the festive season, my "album" is still on course & I really, truly hope that you guys are looking forward to hearing it as much as I am looking forward to presenting it to you.

Of course Reason isn't the only bit of musical technology that has made me giddy this year. I'll save you the big speech as I'm always going on about but believe me when I tell you: My beloved I-pod has enriched my life.

In the past when I've heard folk talking about "going away to find themselves" I've dismissed it as hippy dippy, tree hugging bollocks, Damn fool that I am. My April escape to Snowdonia was just that. I lied awake in my bed feeling sick with despair & misery then I said to myself "no more". I got out of bed, into my car & just like that off I went. And I did find myself. I'd gotten lost under the weight of all the doom & gloom I was carrying around with me. I will always cherish those few days. They were seriously life-changing and since then I've dealt with life's trials & tribulations with a smile on my face. Depression just simply doesn't suit me.

Finally, there's the small matter of this. This blog & the diary that preceeded it have been crucial in getting back to being the Flashman. I love blogging & I love reading other people's blogs. I've gushed about it several times before so I'll be brief: The people who read these words, I thank every single one of you. Obviously I have special affection for my regular commenters but this isn't a closed shop or a clique. All are welcome in World of Flash. You are my audience, my confidantes, my therapists & most of all, you are my friends.

Bless 2004.

"Our time is running out..." Yay!

Only 6 hours of my working year left. Yay!
Christmas shopping finalised this morning in Milton keynes. Yay!
Nightclub after work tonight. Yay, yay, thrice yay!

I am resolutely going to do as little work as possible tonight. It's a flash tradition to do nowt on the last day.
Figure I shall bore you with my xmas plans:
Tomorrow: Hang out with The Boy, Wrap presents, play x box & go out on the piss.
Xmas day: Get up, sob at lack of presents to open, welcome The Boy & watch in wonder as he opens the santazillion presents that will be under the tree, play with said prezzies, bid him a sad farewell as he goes to Grannys, go to Funny Dance's to deliver sack full of prezzies for all, stay for an hour or two, go to Reckless & Dream Girl's, deliver prezzies to the hordes, eat Xmas dinner, get drunk, get stoned, crash.
Boxing day: Unclear, probably amble home & chill out on my own for a bit
27th: Take The Boy up to Wakefield, finally recieve some gifts, stay there for 3 or 4 days during which time I will go with whole family to the pantomine & enjoy a night out on the razz with the silent-once-more Duke Of Jokes.
NYE: Unclear but as it is my year to have The Boy it will most likely involve going over to Reckless & Dream Girl's.
NYD: Put resolutions into effect.
And that's the plan.

"It almost seems impossible, we've found ourselves back where we started from"

Back again.
My eyes are looking like pissholes in the snow & I am longing for my bed.
Just been talking with Total Cock (see what happens when Buddy With Boobs isn't here!) & found out that he comes from Reading. This reminded me of one of the strangest co-incidences I've ever been party to.
Bear with me as this may take some explaining.
When I worked in Bognor Regis at the holiday camp I met Temper Tantrum who of course I would go on to marry. Her best friend on camp had just left so I never met her at the time. Hot In A Kooky Way came from Kent & went back to Bognor after I had left. There she met OK Calm Down, a fellow Yorkshireman & they subsequently fell in love. Her other friend Used To Be Wild was a Londoner. As time went by we all moved on. Initially Temper Tantrum & I went to Wakefield while Hot In A Kooky Way & OK Calm Down moved to nearby Doncaster. Temper Tantrum didn't take to Yorkshire & we moved to Crapsville. The other couple also moved around the same time & settled in Reading. At their wedding in Reading we saw Used To Be Wild & her fella: It's A London Thing. 18 months later they too moved to Reading.
So Temper Tantrum & I spent alot of time down in Reading visiting these friends.
About 3 years ago It's A London Thing & Used To Be Wild moved right here to Crapsville. At the same time Hot In A Kooky Way & OK Calm Down moved back to Yorkshire. To be precise to Thorne near Doncaster. The very place where my biological parents lived at the time of my birth & subsequent adoption. We went to visit a few times & I found it a very strange experience. I couldn't help looking at every single person I saw there, thinking you could be my brother/ sister / niece/ nephew, etc. It doesn't stop there though. They split up not long after I left Temper Tantrum. Hot In A Kooky Way decided to stay in Thorne but moved house. She now lives next door to the house listed on my original birth certificate as my natural parent's house!
How chuffing freaky is that??

"A simple prop to occupy my time"

Ok back again, I've just been noodling about blogland & discovered a very funny blog from which I've nicked the following list-type thingy. Bearing in mind this I think it only fair that you pop by to see her.

CURRENT
> mood :: Tired & grumpy
> music :: I want to live in a dream - Clearlake (I-pod on shuffle)
> taste :: Coffee
> hair :: Still there, not grey
> clothes :: Blue jeans, dark blue jumper, Hi visibility vest, steel toed trainers
> annoyance :: Having to work till fucking 2 in the bastard morning
> smell :: Paint
> thing I ought to be doing :: Sleeping
> desktop picture :: My antipodean angel, miss Kylie Minogue
> favorite band :: With a gun to my head...Muse
> cd in stereo :: Don't do CD's anymore but album on last - American Idiot by Green Day
> crush :: Far Flung Friend
> hate :: That fucking alarm that has just this second gone off causing me to leave my desk & investigate. Bollocks.
> envious of :: The young temp who has just had freshly cooked sausage & egg sandwiches delivered to him by his mum

DO YOU
> smoke? :: Just a bit
> do drugs? :: What have you got?
> have a dream that keeps coming back? :: No
> read the newspaper? :: Yes, The Sun
> have any gay or lesbian friends? :: Not sure, I have my suspicions about Not Right
> believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? :: I fear not
> consider yourself tolerant of others? :: extremely
> like the taste of alcohol? :: Mostly
> have a favorite sweety :: Fizzy cola bottles
> believe in astrology? :: I believe that people generally are true to the traits of their signs, I'm a textbook aquarian
> believe in magic? :: Don't know how else Santa can do his thing
> know how to play poker? :: No
> have any pets? :: No
> go to or plan to go to college? : Maybe one day
> have any piercings? :: No
> have any tattoos? :: No
> have an obsession? :: Grillions of 'em
> have a secret crush?:: No secrets, everything is on these pages
> care about looks? :: To a small extent
> have any disorders? :: mmmm...

LAST THING YOU
> bought :: 20 Benson & Hedges silver
> ate :: Microwave doner kebab
> drank :: Coffee
> read :: Prof. Stephen Hawking's "A brief history of time"
> watched on tv :: Match of the day 2

EITHER * OR
> club or houseparty :: House
> drinks or shots :: bring 'em on!
> cats or dogs :: Cats
> pen or pencil :: Pen
> gloves or mittens :: Gloves
> food or candy :: Food
> cassette or cd :: I-pod
> coke or pepsi :: Coke
> spontaneous or plain? :: Spontaneous

LAST PERSON YOU
> saw :: The temp with the S & E sarnies
> laughed at :: The author of the site linked at the top
> talked to :: Total Cock
> hugged :: Buddy With Boobs
> kissed :: Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth
> instant messaged :: Far Flung Friend

WHERE DO YOU
> eat :: Work
> sing :: Everywhere
> cry :: Where I am when it happens
> sleep :: Bed
> wish you were :: On stage at Wembley arena or PA

HAVE YOU EVER
> drank alcohol? :: Once or twice
> done drugs? :: Now & again
> broken the law? :: A little
> run away from home? :: Not as such
> broken a bone? :: Left arm twice
> played Truth Or Dare? :: Never properly
> kissed someone you didn't know? :: Hey! It's me.. whadya think?
> been in a fight? :: not since childhood
> been intoxicated? :: can't remember

WHAT IS
> your bedroom like? :: Dull, a place where action should take place but doesn't
> your favorite thing for breakfast? :: Sausage & Egg Sandwich
> your favorite restaurant? :: KFC (I know I'm a sad twat!)
> on your bedside table? :: Various bits of paper removed from pockets, couple of gig tickets & some children's story tapes
> your biggest fear? :: Losing my boy & to a lesser extent, going deaf
> the feature are you most insecure about? :: My stomach

RANDOM
> when is your birthday? :: 28th January, don't forget now!
> what are your nats? :: Irish blood English heart (English blood too actually)
> what do you carry with you at all times? :: Mobile phone, Keys, Cash card
> how do you drive? :: Very well
> what do you miss most about being little? :: Doctors & nurses
> are you happy with your given name? :: No, that's why I changed it!
> what color is your bedroom? :: Off white
> are you done with this survey? :: My patience is
> are you a pyromaniac? :: No
> describe your bed:: Very comfy, very empty

That was fun, eh? Like being interviewed for Smash Hits!
By the way, I started this post at 7:25. So much for my easy night!

"Maybe I drive to get off"

I am SO bloody tired.
Only got 5 hours sleep & now here I am at work for another 12 hour shift.
Tonight should, in theory, be very easy. One of the plants I look after has finished for the year so my workload has been cut by about 30%. Buddy With Boobs finished yesterday so I'm feeling a bit lost, the existence of a Laboratory technician on this shift is an isolated one anyway but without my friend coming by to join me for a smoke every hour or so it's proper dull!
Therefore you should anticipate an evening of frenzied blog activity.

I feel the need for a rant.
The cause of my chagrin is that wonderful example of humankind that I used to be married to. Now be honest people, consider the evidence (which is admittedly brought to you only from one side of the argument, however the facts cannot be twisted) & tell me; am I being unreasonable?
The last 2 Christmas days I was living in Northampton, some 16 miles from The Boy's home. On both occasions I have got up mega early & driven to Crapsville so I can be with my son when he wakes up & finds all Santa's offerings. I wouldn't miss it for Kylie. Then, again for the last 2 years, I have driven her & The Boy to Watford (50 miles away) so they can be with her family. Then I have driven back to Northampton. Again on both occasions I have on the 27th driven back to Watford (which is south of here, by the way), collected The Boy & driven north to Wakefield so we can be with my family. Watford to Wakefield is about 170 miles & it's a bit of a choker driving past Northampton. Ok, still with me?
Earlier this year Temper Tantrum passed her driving test & got a car. I now live in Crapsville so Christmas day will be a doddle. On the 27th The Boy & I will again head up the motorway to Wakefield. He & his mother will be in Watford. So I suggested that to cut a few miles off my trip she could drive up to Milton Keynes & we'd meet there (MK being 20 miles south of Northampton). Her response to what I feel is a more than reasonable request considering the last 2 years? "I don't think so, once I get to my mum's I want a complete break so you'll have to come & get him". Aghast, I pointed out all the effort I had gone to in the past, despite the fact it's not my responsibility to make sure she has Christmas at her mum's.
"I'll think about it"

I knew I should of gone with Plan B.

"Never stop looking, never stop looking for..."

Limahl fag!! (All will be revealed)

Ok so what's been going in world of Flash I hear you ask?
I'm slowly learning to regulate my x-box usage which will hopefully mean paying the ol' blog a bit more attention. I've been working hard, well I've been at work a lot! 18 hour shift yesterday, 12 hours today & probably tomorrow. I'm not right happy about working till 2am this week. It's the last week & it's wind down time, y'know. Total Cock however thinks of nothing but making the company lots of money & thus putting himself in a favourable light. Can't blame him I suppose. Due to the nature of my position, if the plant runs I have to be here so I don't really have a choice. Whilst on the subject of work, today we had our plant meetings, where loads of us huddle in the canteen to be told how well we're all doing, how it's going, blah blah blah. In today's I was given my certificate & a round of applause for completing 10 years service. Ah applause, I remember it well (sigh)....

I am 80% complete on my Christmas shopping. I shall be doing the final bit on Thursday morning when Buddy With Boobs & I go to Milton Keynes. I have got all the gifts for the family, for my 2nd family (Reckless, Dream Girl & brood), Buddy With Boobs, Funny Dance & Smiler.
Of course I've spent a small fortune on The Boy but I'd still like to get a few more bits for him. That just leaves They Used To Be Even Bigger, Leeds Boy, Lulu & Get Ready.

Strike up the violins & get your hankies ready... There is a very distinct possibility that your poor correspondent will have no gifts to open on Christmas day (sob). Reckless & Dream Girl told me at the weekend that they couldn't afford anything for me (which is fine considering the amount of kids they have to sort out & they've promised to make it up to me at Birthday time), Buddy With Boobs gave me hers today & insisted I opened it there & then: Green Day CD - Cool. Funny Dance has bought The Boy & I tickets to go & see Northampton Town play Southampton in the FA cup in January & I don't go home to Yorkshire till the 27th. So think of me on Xmas day, boo hoo...

OOH SPOOKY DEJA VU SHIT! I was just looking over that last bit & as I read the first few words I knew that I'd seen this moment before. I do get Deja Vu quite a bit & it's the wierdest thing.

I was just checking out my site stats & discovered the following searches had led people to my humble little bit of green web space...

Brummie funny - This searchee was directed to the tale of this year's first London Baby! trip back in June. With the presence of Funny Dance & Big Laugh Brummie. They didn't stay & have a browse.

She may be the face I cant forget... - 3 different individuals were routed to my praise of my far flung friend which was titled with the lyric in question. None of them stayed.

Singing in Trafalger Square - This particular person stumbled here via Buddy With Boobs & I's recent London jaunt to see Snow Patrol (who incidentally I'm sulking with for their no show at the Flashys). They elected not to stay.

Sambuka hangover- Sympathy goes out to this searcher who found me through the recent "How much of a legend am I?" post. I'm assuming they were looking for a cure for said hangover as the method of getting one is rather straight forward. They didn't stay.

Limahl Fag - I kid you not, some twisted soul out there is searching the net for Limahl fag! I dare not reason as to why. I was flabbergasted to find they were directed here via the timeline where the spiky haired tosspot was mentioned & the copious mentions of fags. I suspect they meant a different kind of fag. They didn't stay.

Christmas cards - Flash & PPS - My last post almost did the trick in luring this one here in mentioning Christmas, Flash & PPS. The deal was sealed by Dav Ford pulling the cue CARDS from his pocket during his speech for his Flashy! And guess what? They stayed for half an hour & enjoyed (I hope) five pages of the Flashman. Huzzah!!

Going back to presents, I have undertaken a grand project for Reckless' gift. I decided to spent very little money on him (This stems from his Birthday in March when I bought him a day white water rafting from E-bay, which wasn't cheap. The day involved traveling all of 3 chuffing miles to Northampton's special canoe type place, yet Reckless never bothered going & it expired in October. I have been grumpy about it ever since but have not berated him for fear of not knowing when to stop!). Anyway I am spending my most precious commodity on him; time. Reckless gets all my technological hand-me-downs & as such now listens to all his tunes on his minidisc player (deposed by the I-pod). I am making him minidiscs of the best 15 albums of 2004, complete with mini sleeves. I've made all the sleeves & am about half way through recording the blighters! At least I know he'll use these!

Anyway, I hope all these waffle has gone some way to making up for my recent lapsadasical blogging efforts. Tomorrow I think I shall chronicle my personal highs & lows of 2004.
Right now I've still got 2 hours work to do.
Bugger.
(How would I write anything if there were no brackets?)

"All I want for Christmas is..."

Dear Santa,
'tis I, Flash.
I'd like to think that I've been a good boy these past 12 months. I haven't done anything bad & I've sorted myself out a bit (only a bit though). With this in mind I wondered if you'd ponder over the following suggestions for things you could bring me for Christmas.
I would like more time please. I just don't have enough to get by, what with work & being a parent & my newly acquired X-box addiction I'm finding it hard & things are suffering. Take my blog for instance; only one poxy half-arsed post in a week isn't good enough!
Speaking off which, I would also like a bigger audience (though not at the expense of my loyal readers, obviously). You see some Blogs with like 50 comments! I want me some of that.
I would like a bigger kitchen sink please. My present one simply can't cope with my washing up regime & I feel one 50% bigger would then allow me to go up to a month at a time!
I would like some really good guitar samples for Reason. "Hate farm" sounds cool but it should sound ferocious & I can't quite get it there.
Now listen my bearded friend because this one is important. I WANT A PLANE TICKET TO A FAR FLUNG LAND. Got that?
What else? How about a new processor for my computer because this Pentium 2 just cant keep up. A big bag of cash? A way of making January anything other than the living hell that it's destined to be? A new Depeche Mode album?
Anyway I realise your a busy chap so I'll take up no more of your time.
Thanks in advance,
Flash

PS. One other thing, I could do with a shag. At this rate my sack is gonna be fuller than yours!

PPS. Not from you, obviously!

"We were never being boring"

Some things that have occured since last post, in list form:

I recieved an X-box as a gift for completing ten years service at work

My new X-box has been eating my spare time like Homer Simpson in an all you can eat donut store

I got off my tits at the works christmas party though not in an embarrassing way

Buddy With Boobs chastised me the day after the party for touching her bottom too much (I genuinley don't remember)

However I do remember fishing coins out of another colleagues cleavage with my mouth, an impressive feat I'm sure you'll agree (she did)

I won £12 on the last greyhound race of the night

3 races previous to that, the heavily backed (£2 on the nose!) Feroa Flash came last

In the club after the party I ran into Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & in my dizzy head decided that it would be a good idea to entice her back for a shag

She declined! (Apparently, getting over me was so hard that she couldn't bear to do it again, bless)

I was relieved when sunday brought reason & reality back to my head

Though the various colleagues who only saw the kissing & whispering & groping were suitably impressed

I realised that the increasingly burning desire for some bedroom action makes me very shallow

I randomly trawled lots of blogs at work last thursday leaving lots of comments only to realise that I had no record of them because I always clear the history on the lab computer, which pissed me off a bit as some of them warranted further reading

I recieved my Broadband modem to much glee only to find that my line isn't quite compatible & I may have to wait weeks before I can use it

I have been disappointed by all but Dav Ford in Flashys acceptance speech department

I have not forgotten my far off friend

I have neglected my blog

I'm sorry

"I give to you"

Ladies & gentlemen may I present Mr. David J Ford's (Lead singer & indeed, main man of Easyworld) acceptance speech for the Flashy award for best cover version....

.... (clear throat, wipe forehead, smile, shake head, nod, gesture to audience to cease applause)....wow, i mean like...wow. I really didn't expect this it's like...totally unexpected... i... well i really didn't expect this.... really. (produce from pocket 37 cue cards) ...i'd like to thank the judging panel for their impeccable judgement and i'd like to add how much i appreciate the recognition of the importance of quality cover versions in contemporary music. Some may say "well if you wrote some good songs you wouldn't have to resort to such crass and cheap measures as bastardising other peoples work and highjacking the talents of those vastly superior to yourself in an attempt to desperately better the pityful level of commercial success and critical recognition your work so far has afforded you." To these people i say simply.... fuck off, i won and you didn't... (lift plastic trophy, exit)....

People, I shit you not! Mr. Ford has just left these very words in my inbox. To him I say: Thankyou, You're a 100% diamond. To everyone else I say: How many top 30 chart acts are on your blog?
Yay!

"Working weeks come to an end, party time is here again"

I shall be imbibing copious amounts of alcohol this weekend.
Tonight one of our chemical reps is taking us Laboratory types out. Myself, The Silver Fox, Crisp fiend & Delusions Of Grandeur are being taken to the greyhound racing in Coventry. There will also be a meal involved & all for none of my own money. Yay! I shall probably go to the club when we get back to Crapsville.
Then on Saturday it's the work Christmas party, which is usually a hoot! I plan to get very drunk & flirt with all the management's partners, just wouldn't be the Christmas party if I didn't.
3 years ago I pulled the most outrageous stunt of my whole life & got away with it. I don't have the time to tell you about it now but if I haven't come out with the tale soon, remind me.

After posting the Flashys (which I feel were a marvellous success, by the way) I e-mailed several of the winners & begged them for an acceptance speech in my politely charming way. As yet I have heard nothing, but I haven't given up hope yet. Wouldn't that be ace if it came off though?
World of Flash: The blog the stars read!
I live (perpetually) in hope.

"You can do no wrong"

Welcome to the Crapsville Hilton for the awards ceremony like no other, yes folks it's (drumroll, expectant hush) THE FLASHYS!!! (Crowd roar!)
Before we take our seats for the presentations, let's just check out the red carpet...
There's The Duke Of Jokes shuffling in looking very smart in his tux but grumpily refusing to speak (By 'eck!). Look here comes Cheryl looking resplendent in a purple, off the shoulder ballgown, waving to the crowds & pausing before the army of papparazi.
Ooh my word! That's a very revealing outfit young Charby has chosen tonight, the flashbulbs are going into meltdown! Is that Charlton lingerie there missy?
Other's are still teeming in, maybe I spied a Gladys, a Di, a Chapstick? Who knows.
Anyway take your seats & put your hands together for a man who doesn't need a big introduction but demanded one anyway. The dashing, charming English treasure who we all know & love, the man of whom the late, great Freddie Mercury described as "The saviour of the universe!"... it's FLASH!! (Screams of adulation so intense that all the inhabitants of Crapsville dog's home go uncontrollably loopy)

Thank you very much & welcome to this years Flashys, a rather unique occasion in the social calendar, I'm sure you'd agree. Where else can you get an awards bash where only one giant ego gets to run riot?

Without further ado, here are the nominations for the Best Single of 2004...

How did it ever come to this? - Easyworld
Vertigo - U2
Bedshaped - Keane
Spitting games - Snow Patrol
Take me out - Franz Ferdinand

And the winner is .... Bedshaped!!! A song so lovely and sad that it brings a lump to my throat every single time I hear it. Let's hear it for Keane!

Ok, now it's time to watch grandpa's pulse as we unveil (oh how I wish...) the sexiest female of 2004. The lovelys in question are...

Cameron Diaz
Kylie Minogue
Kelly Brook
Jennifer Ellison
Jennifer Aniston

And the winner is.... Kylie Minogue!! Yes, my antipodean angel reigns supreme for the gazillionth year running, let us salute the only woman in the world who could make me say "This is my second wife".

Onwards & upwards then with the hotly contested Best New Band award, the nominees are...

Franz Ferdinand
Razorlight
Keane
Kasabian
The Killers

This one has been a very tough decision but after much deliberation the winners are...The Killers!
Any band who have a song called "Glamourous indie rock n' roll" are always gonna do alright with me.

Next up, Best TV show. The nominees are...

Teachers
Match of the day
Big Brother
Never mind the Buzzcocks
Friends

The winner of course is... Friends! It's been months now since they left me & I'm still pining for them. A programme that has made me laugh more than anything else ever has. I love you Rachel!!

(cough) Sorry about that. Best live band nominations now. To my eternal shame I have only been to 4 gigs this year, so the 4 are...

The White Stripes
Keane
Duran Duran
Snow Patrol

The Winners are... Snow Patrol. Just edging it from Jack & Meg, Snow Patrol's recent Brixton show did it for me big time!

Moving on we now consider the Best solo artist of 2004...

Charlotte Hatherley
Morrissey
Ed Harcourt
Paul Weller
Ryan Adams

The winner, by a considerable distance, is... Morrissey. To have Mozza back in our world is one thing but to have him back on such tip-top form is ace!

Now I don't actually seem to see many films these days & those I do are often governed by The Boy, so bear this in mind as I present the nominees for 2004's best movie...

Shrek 2
Van Helsing
The day after tomorrow
Spiderman 2
The Incredibles

And the winner is... Spiderman 2. Excellent fun from everyone's favourite web-slinger & the lovely Kirsten Dunst too!
The best film I've seen this year was "Fight Club" but I was a bit behind the times there, eh?

Ok, only 4 to go & next it's the Best Cover Version award. The nominees being...

Crazy in love - Snow Patrol
Hey Ya - Razorlight
Young hearts run free - Easyworld
Stop - Jamelia
Thinking of you - Paul Weller

The winner is the beautiful treatment of Young hearts run free by Easyworld, who of course are now sadly defunct.

The big ones coming up now, the one they all want is Best Album the 10 in with a shout are...

Hot fuss - The Killers
Hopes & fears - Keane
Kill the last romantic - Easyworld
You are the quarry - Morrissey
Final straw - Snow Patrol
Meltdown - Ash
Welcome to the North - The Music
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
A grand don't come for free - The Streets
Antics - Interpol

The winner is... (big fanfare!) Snow Patrol's Final Straw! An album that absorbs from start to finish. An album that has soundtracked some of my finer moments this year. An album SO absolutely staggering that it has beaten Easyworld into 2nd place (Sorry Dav! It's because I got it in 2003, mate!), anyone who hasn't heard it yet. I suggest you go & buy it ASAP.

Our final musical award is The Flashy for being The best band in the world. The nominees are...

Snow Patrol
Depeche Mode
The White Stripes
Muse
Radiohead

And, despite a quiet year the winners are...Muse. A band so utterly, unstoppably brilliant that the ripples from last year's awesome "Absolution" still allow them to carry the coveted Flashy away. All hail Muse!

All that remains is the award for best blog. Let's not chuff about with nominees & just give the damn thing to...World of Flash! And here to accept this award is me!!

Thankyou for this Flashy, it's a fine honour & I'm beaming with pride here. In time honoured tradition I want to dish out some thanks. These words are all 100% sincere & I mean them from the bottom of my heart. Firstly I'd like to thank The Duke Of Jokes for suggesting the idea of doing a blog & for his continuing support. I'd like to thank all the people in my real life who provide the interactions that fuel my posts. I'd like to thank all who have dropped by here & had a read. I hope you continue to drop by. Most of all though I want to thank my girls, Cheryl & Charby. Honestly, were it not for your loyalty & regular comments I would've probably given up long ago. Without you two, I am nothing. So thanks again, I really feel like I've made 2 special friends in both of you, (lump in throat, tears welling, award held aloft) Thankyou, I love you all.

"Let's hear it for The Boy"

Thought I'd mine the timeline once again.

16 July 1999: at 2.22am The Boy is born. I am thrilled beyond words.

I was at work when I got the call, it was around 4.30pm, the time was almost upon us. The Silver Fox took over my duties & sent me off with a pat on the back. I still remember Buddy With Boobs & Sweetie waving me off with all the giddiness of very giddy people. I drove home & collected my wife & her bag. We then drove to Northampton to the hospital. Upon arrival she was inspected & told to come back in a couple of hours time. So we got back in the car & went to the drive through KFC. Just as I was handed the bag of yumminess, Temper Tantrum yelped & insisted we went straight back to the hospital. We rushed back inside & she was taken to a room where she could chill out & be monitored. I popped out to the car to eat the KFC & have a fag. When I returned they began to administer her with gas & air as pain relief, 5 seconds later she vomited big style. Gas & air out then. Then as per her birth plan, she was moved to a room with a birthing pool. In she climbed...10 seconds later she got out. At this point our midwife make a critical error. Obviously I have to preserve anonymity so I can't go into detail but basically my ex-wife's name is a contraction of her full name ( For instance: Christina could be called Chris or Tina, so for demonstration purposes we'll pretend that is her name & she's known as Tina, ok?). So the midwife says "ok Chris we'll just get you another room" with that Temper Tantrum turned & with all the venom of the child from The Exorcist exclaimed "My name is not Chris!". I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing out loud. So then we're moved to another room & another bed & this time it's for keeps. By this time the pain of the contractions has gotten to the point where the birth plan has been ripped into little tiny pieces & she's practically begging for the epidural that she swore she wouldn't have. The needle was put in her back & soon after she calmed down to levels more chilled than she usually was. By now it was about midnight, we laughed & joked as we listened to late night love on the radio. We also made our final decisions on names. We'd long known that if it was a boy he was gonna be called The Boy (didn't think I'd slip up there, did you?) but we, after much discussion, settled on Cerys for a girl. All of a sudden it was crunch time, the staff became more animated, Temper Tantrum started pushing & with a sound unlike anything I'd ever heard before or heard since, a baby was suddenly with us. I was dumbstruck, awed & humbled. The midwife held the baby up by the feet & Temper Tantrum squealed "Look Flash, it's a boy!" & so it was. The midwife said "Yes & he's a big boy aswell!" referring to his willy "like his Dad?" she said as she winked at me. As our little boy was introduced to his mother I pondered on an appropriate answer to the midwife, there was none so I remained silently bemused. Then it was my turn, gingerly I held my tiny little boy in my arms & said "Hello mate". I was so happy, a different kind of joy from any other I've ever felt. I smiled uncontrollably, like that smile that you can't stop when you're falling in love with someone, only more so. I wish I knew how to fully articulate how I felt at that instant but no matter what colourful descriptions or fanciful words I employ nothing does it justice. I knew that I loved him.
An hour or so later, I left my wife & my son in the hospital as I drove home to get a couple of hours sleep before I could start ringing round all the friends & family to tell them the news. On route to Crapsville I stopped at a garage to get a drink & some fags. Despite it being 4.30 am I couldn't contain myself & told the cashier that I'd just become a Father. He politely acknowledged my news with a smile but it didn't matter to him.
It mattered to me though, more than anything else ever had.


Incidentally, in the extremley unlikely event of the aforementioned midwife reading this, I say E-mail me & you can find out for yourself.
(Sorry I haven't had a shag for yonks & it's starting to take it's toll)

"It's getting hot in here..."

Sorry for my absence, I'm afraid my internet connection at home has gone tits up. So here is the silver lining to being at work at this hour.
So what's been going on? As per usual a whole load of nothing much that I will somehow manage to waffle on about for ages.

Thursday: Whilst browsing through Crapsville's weekly local paper (Sample front page headline: Shopping trolley found abandoned in park) I spotted a camera phone for sale at a very reasonable price. Now as I still hadn't gotten Dream Girl a birthday present & knowing that she desired said item, I called, did the deal & acquired the phone. This then meant a trip to Northampton to deliver the gift. It went down very well & I felt great relief that I'd belatedly managed to hang on to my reputation of gift giver supreme. Decided to stay over there for the night & shared a few smokes.

Friday was Cutieboy's 6th birthday so The Boy & I went over again. I took the boys to McDonald's for tea then to the cinema to see "The Incredibles". I thought it was great & the little men loved it to bits. The Boy has now found a new hero in Dash. From what I can gather most of his school playtime consists of racing around the playground at various speeds such as Jet electric, hyperspeed, etc. Now I imagine he will be adding Dash-speed to his repatoire. I also bought Reckless a little present as he's been a bit down lately. I got him a tape thing for the car so he can listen to his minidisc player in the car, just a little gesture to try & put a little smile on his face. Again we stayed in Northampton for the night.

Saturday we hung out in Northampton till lunchtime & then came back to Crapsville. We hung out in the flat & the usual games involving his Star Wars figures were vetoed in favour of playing Incredibles. Then Saturday night I watched a film then Match of the day & went to bed.
Sunday was lovely. Usually on Sundays I have The Boy all day but this week he went back to his Mum's at 10 am leaving me the whole day to myself. I went out for some breakfast & then sat at the computer to catch up on all the various blogs I read. It was then that I discovered that I couldn't get online. Though I was bitterly disappointed it did turn out to be a double-edged sword. I now had lots of time to kill & not much to kill it with. So I turned my attentions to my "album". WARNING! Lots of self-indulgent music talk approaching!
To be honest work on the "album" had ground to a bit of a halt. "Upon the scales" just wasn't going as I wanted it to & I'd took a break from it. Yesterday I resumed work on it & it all fell into place. I spent hours on it & it grew, it breathed & it became a thing of genuine wonder. When I played back the final version I got shivers down my spine & I smiled a big, broad smile of pride. People, it sounds awesome! I am so happy with it, it really sounds as close to the version I hear in my head as I can get it with my limited means. I didn't want to stop there though & I ploughed straight into "Hate farm". It's already three quarters finished & it's sounding cool. Trouble with "Hate farm" & a couple of others that I haven't started yet, is that although they were written by me alone they took shape with a lot of input from Reckless & his guitar. I just have this feeling that he's not gonna like the way it turns out & his approval is very important to me. He recently told me that he didn't like "We both know" & although I accepted it with good grace, I was a bit cheesed off. Still, this album is for me & if other people like it that's a bonus. Actually that's a load of bollocks, I want everyone who hears it to think it's fantastic & confirm that I am THE great lost talent of my generation!!

Aside from my "album" I spent some of my time watching a bit of footy & then I attempted something new in the kitchen. I only have a microwave & a toaster so we're not talking cordon bleu here. In Tesco when I did my shopping I picked up a microwave chicken tikka masala (buy one, get one free!), some poppadoms & some naan bread. So when I started to prepare this culinary treat I realised that the naan breads didn't have any microwave instructions. I'm a bit hopeless when it comes to food so I phoned Reckless who told me that I couldn't microwave them but I should just sit them on top of my toaster. So that's what I did. Then the phone rang & it was my far flung special friend. It was a delight to hear from her especially as I couldn't e-mail or IM with her. Sadly this sudden injection of company distracted me from my "cooking" & before you could say "Ooh this reminds me of Backdraft" the flat was full of smoke, the smoke alarm was beeping like a thing possessed & I sadly had to leave my friend to attend to my mini-crisis. The naan bread was burnt to a crisp & my poor toaster had melted all around the top of it. Bugger!

To my trans-Atlantic caller I say a big sorry for having to rush off & a big thankyou for the call. It's always a pleasure to hear from you & you added to the loveliness of my day.
And that's what I've been up to.

Finally, to any commenters please can you as part of your comment appeal to The Duke Of Jokes to resume his comments. He told me recently that he felt like he was intruding as he's not a fellow blogger. I miss his comments & I hope my regulars do as well. So come back matey!

"Light up, light up as if you have a choice"

Let me take you on a trip....
Our journey starts at Crapsville bus station, join Buddy With Boobs & myself as we catch the bus to Northampton. Taking a bus is not something I've done much of lately & truth be known it was something of a novelty! We sit upstairs after forgiving Buddy With Boobs for thinking that sitting downstairs is acceptable, that's for old people, right?
Anyway, we alight at the train station 10 minutes later than scheduled & miss the train we'd planned. This isn't a problem as the next one in 20 mins will whisk us to the capitol non-stop. Then we'll stop for the obligatory smoke before heading onto the tube. Leicester Square is our destination. Upon arrival we will soak in the hustle & bustle of it all & eat at KFC (Yum!), from here we will indulge Buddy With Boobs on a whistle stop tour of a few of the sights. Her previous visits to London have been guided by her husband & she's seen Oxford Street & little else. So follow us down to Piccadilly circus & marvel at the big bright lights, at how these huge neon corporate symbols emit a strange beauty. Then we'll duck down a side street or two & flirt with the seedy glamour of Soho, complete with (surely freezing?) girls stood in doorways wearing very little. With no time to lose we head to Trafalger Square where some sort of gathering is taking place in the crisp evening air. Carols are sung, TV crews film & several bemused tourists scratch their heads. Let us then stroll down Whitehall, peer down Downing Street & remember how majestic & ornate the House's of Parliament are, particularly Big Ben itself. Finally we'll stand upon westminster bridge & gaze at the London eye & how pretty the Thames looks when you can't see how filthy the water is & you can see the lights of the city reflecting on the surface of it. As we take the tube from Westminster to Brixton, we can catch our breath & in Buddy With Boobs' case, reflect on how in 90 mins with The Flashman she has witnessed more of London than in the whole 30-something years previous to that.
So to the main event, we will now take our places down the front of the Brixton academy. Here we will witness a fantastic band at the peak of their powers. We'll jump about & get sweaty as they hit their stride with the irresistible "Spitting games", we'll smile like giddy children at the joy that is "Chocolate" & join the entire crowd as we sing along to every single word of "How to be dead". During the quieter moments of "Grazed knees" & "An olive grove facing the sea" you may want to look around at all the other people sharing this communal pleasure with you, especially the slender young woman just behind you with the breathtaking eyes. Then, if like me it's your personal favourite, you may want to simply give yourself to the menacing throb of "Ways & means" forgetting all else around you & becoming one with the awesome sound. You will then acknowledge the sight of these five guys on stage clearly enjoying every second & sincerely offering their gratitude for "a truly fantastic year" as they close the set with a wonderfully rousing "Run". We will then cheer our sweaty little heads off until they return. Only as we are herded out with a blistering "Tiny little fractures" still ringing in our ears will we realise that we have been to a truly excellent gig.
As the adrenalin subsides on our tube back to Euston we can compare notes on highlights & special moments. Even when our return travel plans go awry & we don't get back home until nearly 3 am causing us to be 3 hours late for work the next day & receive a bollocking from the boss, we will know that the night we went to see Snow Patrol was a real night to remember.