"Your lunacy fits neatly with my own"

Haven’t Monster Munch shrunk? They really have, they’re titchy!
If you need to sneeze apparently all you have to do is look at the light & your sneeze will come. So says Dream Girl. Reckless & I agree that she is mad, a mentalist if you will. So we conducted a text survey & the score was about 4-4! This does not mean that she’s right but it does mean she’s not the only mentalist about!
Well my ex-wife flies off to New York tomorrow so I will be heading off to Crapsville for a 7-day intensive single parent stint. Should be great, bring it on!

"Always know the prospects, learn to expect nothing"

What a bloody boring day. Emotionally I’ve been up & down today. I really can’t think of much else I want to share at this point.

"Everybody hurts.....sometimes"

Ok, where do I start? I’ve got a lot to cover but I’m gonna start right here right now. 10 minutes ago Dream Girl came into my room to show her tan off. My god she looked so fucking hot you could fry an egg on her!! Tight little black shorts, tight little white top, she looked fantastic.
Anyway things have been pretty bad, I haven’t been to work for 2 weeks. I went to see my doctor last week & he signed me off for 4 weeks & gave me some anti-depressants, I’ve also asked to see a counsellor. Depression, you see. I’ve felt so low lately, like there’s no hope & nothing to look forward to. I’m terrified to look forward because I dread to think how I may turn out. I fear that I’m destined to be one of life’s losers.
So what are my issues?
Work – it fills me with dread it’s so boring. It doesn’t challenge or fulfil me & I know I’m wasting myself there. Trouble is I’ve been there nearly 10 years; it’s comfortable & easy. Also I earn a fairly good wage that will be difficult to match.
Home- my search for a new home goes on, most of my hopes are pinned on getting a flat in a particular block in Crapsville. I can’t afford the outlay required for private rental so I fear that if the flat doesn’t come off I’ll end up in a shitty bedsit.
Women- I’m still in need of a cuddle, a kiss or failing that a couple of hours of hot, passionate sex! Rainbow Girl lives so far away that it’s just not practicable. Miss C in Crapsville rained off our date & has ignored me ever since. Temper Tantrum has been really horrible lately, she keeps slagging me off for not doing enough for The Boy. This really pisses me off because I’m devoted to my son. I spend loads of time with him. I pay my maintenance (a more than adequate amount as well!) every week without fail & most importantly I adore the little bugger! I can hear him now squealing & screeching as he plays with Cutieboy. I’ve spoke to many single mums & every one of them, without exception, is really impressed at how much I’m committed to my boy & his upbringing. As far as Temper Tantrum is concerned I don’t do enough. It makes me want to punch her in the chops! Which of course I never would do. I’ve never hit a woman in my life & I never will.
So here I am, my emotions, hopes & dreams in a big messy heap. I’m lost; I don’t know what to do with myself. So I’ll plod onwards, forever trying to make things better, endeavouring to be happy.That is all I want – just to be happy.

"......."

Sorry I haven’t written. I’m very very low at the moment. I can’t be arsed to write. Can’t be arsed to live to be honest.
Sorry.

"I wish I was special"

So I got up at 6, I drove down to London’s docklands & joined the queue. I queued for just over an hour. I was then given my chance as part of a group of 10 to plead my case. I thought I did ok; I cracked a couple of jokes & got good laughs. And then I wasn’t picked & that was that. I was home by half 11. The whole thing has left me feeling dismal. I feel very sad today. Very sorry for myself, devoid of love, aching to be held in a warm soft embrace. Should’ve been a girl eh?

"This is your life & it's sad"

Just a quickie (drunk, you see) to say nowt much happened over last day or two but tomorrow commencing at 06:00….it’s Big Brother audition day!

"I let the drums do the talking..."

May’ve been a bit hasty about Rainbow girl, poor love has been a bit poorly, which is why I hadn’t heard from her. Still don’t know whether we’ll see each other again, it’s very difficult.
Bad news for the guys back home. They found out yesterday that the owner of their house wants to sell it so they have 2 months to find something else. It’s knocked them for 6 & I really feel for them.
Today heralds another attempt to stop smoking. I’ve struck a deal with Buddy With Boobs who has been clean for about 10 days. If I smoke again then she’s gonna smoke again. If I stay clean & she succumbs then she has to shag me. Fair enough eh?
Drum machine arrived Monday morning. It’s cool & it’s reminded me so much of my final year at school & the music I made back then. I’ve so far found that 34 is the age of realisation. Realising just how bloody old I am!

"Tequilla! Der der de de der..."

Well the weekend was good on the whole. I think Reckless had a good birthday. We didn’t go out due to cash & babysitting issues. Funny Dance came round; the 4 of us got very drunk & played super Mario kart (old school, but still ace!). It was a good fun night. As mentioned in the early hours there was a sparkle in the air. Maybe her hair colour really does affect how she is. Last night she was blonde, beautiful & a little flirtatious. Nice. I’m fully aware that it’s just the way she is when she’s drunk but hey it’s just nice, y’know?
I have got the impression that Rainbow Girl has lost interest, cant blame her, the distance is too great for any sort of real relationship & though I’m sure we would’ve had some fantastic sex that day if I’d acted sooner, I think now if we met up again it would just be for a shag. I don’t think she’s the kind of girl who would do that. Still, I could be wrong about it all.By the way I feel I ought to tell you: my last attempt at stopping smoking lasted about 6 hours. I know- feeble & weak (sigh).

"You want her you can't have her"

WARNING! VERY DRUNK!!
There was something there tonight.
I saw it, I felt it, I know it.
Despite all the set-in-stone rules that I have embedded in my head it felt truly fucking wonderful but yet still desperate & yearning like a … erm… desperate yearning thing.
It was there though, I swear on my boy’s life it was there.I saw it!

"Do you worry about your health, do you watch it slowly change?"

I’ve been quite happy & jolly today, I’ve enjoyed the day. I have decided that I will stop smoking tonight at midnight. No more. It’s a drain on my cashflow, it’s shackling my singing voice & - Let’s face facts – it’s killing me. Now I’ve been here hundreds of times but I am truly determined this time. I will need to show the same level of resolution as when I refused to go back to Temper Tantrum & when I committed to writing this diary. I also will be striving to eat more sensibly, though this will prove extremely difficult in conjunction with not smoking.
I feel a strong desire to be creative. I haven’t written a song since “Egg wielding freak” which must’ve been October or November. One thing that keeps putting me off is the number of songs that are stacking up in my head & not making their way to guitar world. Since we had our creative spurt last spring nothing has really hammered home. My sincere hope is that one day these titles might mean something to someone: “Hate farm”, “My worthless friend”, “Upon the scales” & “Haunted” all came together within a month or so, but since then I’ve got “Resistance is futile”, “Jack White” & “Secondbest” all fully formed in my head, they just need to be nurtured. Reckless needs to give them some attention which to be fair isn’t always easy.
LIST ALERT!! LIST ALERT!!
Here is a list of all the songs that are formed enough in my head or in guitarland that could be considered recordable: Feel free to skip ahead
Frog
My worthless friend
Haunted
Hate farm
The truth about you
Love of my night
Big lover
Upon the scales
Egg wielding freak
All too human
Secondbest
Jack White
Resistance is futile

I tell you what, that would make a fucking cracking album! Suppose you’ll have to take my word for it.

END OF MONTH REPORT

February was a massive improvement on dismal January. Let's hope March holds the trend & gets really good. The signs are promising.

"I'm haunted, yes I'm haunted"

It’s March the first today.
No acknowledgement noted or expected.
Nothing.

"...the day before you came"

Much to report. Been having lots of fun talking to & texting Rainbow Girl. Some good flirting too. I do like her but the distance between us means I can’t let either of us get carried away. I have also had a couple of texts from miss B whom I fear I’m not suited to at all, this fear may be groundless though I shall continue to investigate. Another message was left for me yesterday from Miss C. I just checked it out & she sounds nice enough. Her biggest draw at present is that she “lives in a small town called Crapsville”. I will phone her when I’ve mustered up the courage for such a daunting task. It’s silly but I kind of feel a bit bad regarding Rainbow Girl, almost like I’m cheating on her, which obviously I’m not.
Went out last night on a work trip to greyhound racing in Birmingham. I had a great time, got a bit drunk, lost all my pissing money & best of all got re-acquainted with my old mate Go On Gamble. We used to be really good mates when he worked with me. We had a common love for music, football & gambling (which at the time cost me dear). I never go near fruit machines these days & that’s all down to Go On Gamble! It was great to see him & we had some real belly laughs on the bus journey home. Also fun on the bus: Big J & his mate Big V. Big J & I had established a couple of days previously that his other friend The Portugeezer is Temper Tantrum’s new boyfriend. Big V wasn’t aware of who I was other Flash – a bit of a character. They got onto the subject of why The Potugeezer didn’t come on the trip. Big V moaned that it was because he’s under the thumb with his new missus & that he doesn’t know what the hell he sees in her. I was smirking for England! Lovely moment. Apparently The Boy is set to meet The Portugeezer this week, which I hope goes well for both of them. It’s a good sign that Temper Tantrum is happy with him, which is nice.
Just been very reckless on e-bay. I’d already bought a drum machine for £31 earlier today. It’s a TR505 that I used to use at school on my early “works” such as “Backlash” & “State of confusion”. It’s a smashing bit of kit that I hope will move our stuttering recording “career” onwards. Anyway I digress, Dream Girl asked me to buy Reckless a camera phone for her birthday gift to him. I duly landed a rather lovely Nokia 7250 for him at £113. This was fine, within her budget & done with enough time to arrive before the big day. 20 minutes later I had paid nearly 90 quid for a camera phone of my own. A Sagem myx-6 (I think!). I have wanted one for a while but the childish little spoilt brat in me couldn’t let Reckless have one while I struggled on with my 3510 that incenses me everytime I have to press *. Since coffee got spilt on it around Xmas it’s been a right pain so a replacement was on the horizon, that said I shouldn’t have been so rash & so envious. I’m a bad man. A bad man with a camera phone though! Yay! With that in mind I’m not gonna look on e-bay anymore this week as with P&P costs I’ve already spent £130. It may even be time to sell a thing or two.
Well it only remains to be said that at this time last year (well sort of because there was no Feb 29th last year) I was blissfully unaware of how my life was gonna skew onto a very different & bittersweet path within the following 24 hours.