END OF MONTH REPORT

July has been perfectly nice to me. I bear it no grudges & I'll happily welcome it back next year. Unlike January & March which can expect a very withering look when they come round again!

I have a cunning plan

So, here's the plan. I like to have a plan, sadly I rarely adhere to it, but I like to have a plan. In January of this year I started a diary/ journal. I'd been meaning to do it for years. This year though I have actually done it & I've stuck to it.
So the plan is to post all of what has occured so far this year & then take it day by day. However at the moment I'm a teeny bit drunk. It's Friday evening so I have to go & spend a considerable amount of time in the bathroom trying to make myself look presentable for the evening of drink & debauchery ahead. Here's hoping it's gonna be a good un'! Cheers.

Well that was bloody easy!!

In fact it was so simple that now I sit a little perplexed. I assumed (a recurring failing) that it would take hours to get sorted & i could use that time to come up with some dazzlingly witty & clever opening post that would instantly show me to be a total "geezer". Sadly, I now feel a bit silly. Welcome to my world.

"She's a good girl"

I have been inspired. It would seem that out on t'internet there are thousands of places where people do this! They don't write in a book like me, they post their "blogs" online so that the whole world could potentially read them. I have checked out one of these blogs belonging to the exquisitely named Tequila Mockingbird . I have barely scratched the surface of her posts but already she's made me laugh out loud many times, she's made me want to give her a hug & more than anything she's made me want to set up a blog of my own.
So if I can overcome the usual lazy barrier then soon I wont be the only one who reads all this.

"Gonna write a classic"

Haven't wrote much lately, simply because not much of any note as happened. It's been fine though with nothing to get me down. I have finally managed to record 2 songs, they are complete bar the guitars. They are even on my I-pod now, which is ace! They are "We both know" & "Never enough". "Never enough" is the finished version of what was known as "Piano song". I'm very happy with both but i know they could sound much better with a musician's touch & some better equipment. Anyhow it's made me keen to do more. I think I may do "Secondbest" next or maybe "Leave the poor girl alone" which is only a title & an idea at present but I have high hopes for it.

"I can't explain"

Odd weekend.
As a father it's been wonderful. The Boy had a smashing birthday & it fills me with joy to see him so happy. Away from that though it's been a pisser & I've felt pretty down the last 2 days. Can't put my finger on why. Maybe it's the low keyness of it all after last weekend, maybe it's not getting my weekly Dream Girl fix, maybe it's being skint again.

"I know 5 years is a long time"

I'm a bit stoned & i've just finished watching the South Park movie. At the end it's got this pastiche of your typical cheesy big American ballad called "Through the eyes of a child". My thoughts turned to my own child. The Boy is 5 tomorrow, my little fella is 5. I cannot express how much I love my son. I know that I often write about everything but The Boy. That's simply because The Boy is the only thing in my life that is always right, no doubt & no confusion. I cant wait for his birthday tomorrow. I'm gonna give him a weekend to remember!

"You know your ploblem, you keep it all in" -NOT!

I feel a bit lost today, a bit empty. A big comedown after the drama & excitement of the weekend. Funny Dance (who did meet Rainbow Girl) was most amused by the whole tale, wetting himself. Perhaps I should keep things to myself but I do get a fair bit of pleasure from sharing my good & bad fortunes with my friends. I think they all find it very entertaining. So they should!
I hope you do too.

"Into the heart of darkness, beyond the point of no return, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?"

Whoa! That was quite a weekend; allow me to fill you in. Rainbow Girl & I got back to Crapsville about 1pm on Friday. After some lunch at Tesco’s we went for the first of many drinks. We had a really nice day; we talked, laughed, bitched about our fellow pub dwellers & really enjoyed each other’s company. Friday night we ended up in bed & made love 3 times. It was fantastic, loving yet raw. I have to say that either a) all girls lie or b) I really am a very good lover! I do think it may be the latter. Rainbow Girl was also very good, expressive, receptive, sensual & with a hint of aggression. A couple of times she totally shredded my back with her razor blade fingernails, although it hurt like hell it also felt good. C’mon guys you understand don’t you?
We awoke on Saturday about 9 & quite literally stayed in bed all day long not venturing out till 5pm. It was utterly beautiful, the two of us enjoying each other’s bodies & minds all day, non-stop. We were both extremely happy. When we did finally get up we had a bath & some food & then we went to Northampton to see Reckless & Dream Girl. In retrospect this was probably not a great idea but I wanted my friends to meet this colourful woman who was making me happy. All went reasonably well over there though & everyone seemed to get on fine.
When we got back we pretty went straight to bed. After a few minutes of fooling around she asked, “where do we go from here?” it would seem the answer was straight down to the 7th layer of hell. I know that Rainbow Girl is in a very difficult place right now so I tried to be as nice as I was honest. I told her that despite having a truly wonderful time with her & really liking her, I didn’t think that realistically anything could really come from it due to the distance involved & the practicalities involved: our children, work, money, etc. This is where I started to see a very different Rainbow Girl. She got very shitty, saying “she was just a weekend shag then?” I told her time & again that I didn’t see it anything like that. I thought we were two people who had really enjoyed being with each other & what she was saying cheapened that. Let me get this straight I did not see her as a shag for the weekend, I saw her as a really cool women whose company I enjoyed in & out of the bedroom. Again though I had to point out the fact that it would be all but impossible to try & have some sort of relationship. She refused to accept this & said if she were worth it, I’d make an effort. She became increasingly agitated & nasty. I found myself becoming quite upset by it all, she was making me out as some sort of bastard & I wasn’t having it. She also showed a lot of aggression, at one point stabbing her nails into my arm, which really fucking hurt. Then she says she wants me to make love to her again. I couldn’t & I didn’t. How was I supposed to perform an act of love after that? I told her as much & I went to sleep feeling hurt & bewildered.
Sunday morning seemed better initially though it didn’t last long. We did have sex again at her insistence. I was reluctant but weakly gave in & went through the motions. 24 hours previous the sex was phenomenal, now it was unfeeling like carrying out a chore. How very sad. When finished I went to move, to “pull out”, Rainbow Girl ferociously plunged all her nails into the base of my back. I yelped in pain & told her that it had really hurt, I was extremely pissed off. She didn’t flinch, she just sneered at me telling me that I could only take it out when she said so. There were several other instances of hostility like with her face only an inch from mine smiling at me saying “Thank you for a really lovely Friday & Saturday (her face then twisted with hate) & FUCK YOU FOR A SHITTY SUNDAY”.
There then followed a horrible hour of silence while she got ready to go. The drive to Braintree went quicker than usual. Nice clear motorways allowed me to drive as fast as I could get away with. As we got closer to Braintree she became almost nice again. I had a coffee then left. Strangely we kissed goodbye & she suggested I should come down to her for the weekend. Hmmm. So I left.
As I write this I’m still not sure what happened. We had such a lovely time, full of joy & warmth. We’d spoke of love & trust, she’d said I’d made her feel special & that she hadn’t enjoyed sex like that for years. Then right before my eyes she turned into one of the most dislikeable people I’ve ever met. I know she’s having a very difficult time with life at the moment & I have to allow for that. The poor girl is in a mess & I still feel for her but as I drove away from Essex I decided that I never want to see Rainbow Girl again.
Ever.

"Come up & see me, make me smile"

I write this as I’m running a bath. Post bath I shall be tootling down to Braintree to pick up Rainbow Girl. Then we will be coming back to Crapsville for Flash & Rainbow Girl’s weekend of fun. It should be a laugh, here’s hoping.

"I only want you to be with me"

I’ve been thinking about Dream Girl a lot tonight. Pining. Wallowing. Wishing…
Singing out across the fields into the night sky, facing east. My I-pod has made it so much easier to mourn the twist of fate from which I fear I’ll never recover. Oh yes; now I just call up my special Dream Girl playlist & away I go. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I shiver & sometimes I see a slide show of flashbacks in my head. There is one particular song that has come to be the quintessential Flash & Dream Girl song. When that comes on I perform it just as I did all that time ago complete with “I heard that” to my right after the first chorus. I remember how I swaggered down from the stage (it was only karaoke but I absolutely nailed it) to rapturous applause, wearing a huge grin, eyes fixed on hers. There she was, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, smiling back at me. It plays like a scene from “Notting Hill” or “Fours weddings…” or such like. The venue & supporting cast may’ve been a bit more “Open all hours” though! I still ache for her, nothing’s changed. Even now that other women are finally starting to filter into my world, it’s still Dream Girl. The only one I want. Thank you Trent, your timing is impeccable.

As I was writing that last bit my I-pod played me Nine Inch Nails’ “Something I can never have”

"Come my love with your desire, out of the blue.."

Well here we are in July! I never thought I’d stick it out this long (the journal) & I’m ever so slightly proud of myself! I got a bit of a surprise this evening; Rainbow Girl phoned me out of the blue. She sounded quite chirpy, bless her, though her life appears to be going into meltdown. She’s having a very rough time of things. We had quite a good talk & several laughs were had, by the time we’d finished it had been arranged that she would come up to Crapsville to visit me this weekend. Sadly I do have to drive to pissing Braintree to get her & I have to take her back. I’m sure it will be a good thing for both of us. She has so much trauma in her world that it’ll do her good to get away for a couple of days & let her hair down. For me, well I do enjoy her company & I fancy her so who knows? What’s the betting that bloody Impressive Cleavage texts me this weekend?!
I’ve not felt well today, felt sick all day & I’ve been to the loo far too many times.
Started work on the 3rd version of “We both know” today. The drum track is much better than its predecessors. Anyway, that’s all for now.