"You are the latest contender..."

Boy, do we have a lot to catch up on. On Monday morning as I got into bed I texted Miss A & Miss B. A replied straight away. We sent a couple of messages each & then she suggested a quick chat. Our quick chat lasted 2 & a half hours! It was great, we got on really well & I had her really laughing! She sounded cool & a little mad! I’ve always liked a touch of madness in my women. Eventually it was decided that I should go & see her for lunch. I agreed despite the fact I’d had no sleep since Sunday morning and that she live a hundred miles away in Braintree, Essex. Still I thought it would be an adventure, a tonic to spruce up my life of monotony. She described herself as having a shock of blond hair, 5’8” & wearing a rainbow coloured coat & rainbow jeans. So I got cleaned up & headed off to meet Rainbow Girl. I went cross-country as opposed to the motorway & arrived about 2.30. We’d arranged to meet at Sainsburys. After about 5 minutes she appeared. I couldn’t miss her; she was a resplendent splash of colour in a sea of grey. I liked that. I walked over & said, “You must be Rainbow Girl”. We shared an awkward hug & then went to a pub on the town square. It was a nice pub & we chatted for ages, it went really well. Then we had to go & pick up her car from a garage, get KFC (which I resisted) for her eldest & go to her house. We then returned to the pub on foot. By this time it was apparent that I wouldn’t be going to see Easyworld after all. She said I should have a proper drink as I’d been on cokes since I had a pint when I arrived. I explained how I couldn’t because I had to drive home. “Sleep on my sofa” – “Ok, let’s drink!” I didn’t have to be in Crapsville to see The Boy till 3 the next day so why not? As the night drew on we laughed, we flirted, we argued about Britney’s hotness & we simply had lots of fun. I really liked this slightly mad woman & I fancied her too. I got the feeling this may have been mutual. We stumbled back to hers after chucking out time & after a coffee she went to bed & I slept on the sofa. I was very, very tired & went off almost instantaneously.
She woke me at 6am! The kids would be up in a minute & she’d rather I was up. Fair enough. I liked Rainbow Girl’s kids even though I only spent a couple of hours around them. I’ve since been told that they liked me too, which is nice. Rainbow Girl left to take them to school, when she returned she said she wanted to lie down on her bed & that I should join her. So we laid there for a couple of hours, chatting & laughing. The whole time I really wanted to kiss her but like the fool that I am struggled to gain the courage to make that first move. With the clock ticking towards my departure time I finally leant in & gave her a kiss. And it was one hell of a kiss, soft, slow & lingering to which she responded fully. All the while my fingers were gently stroking her neck or in the back of her hair. It was a beautiful first kiss, a kiss of such quality I shall forever be proud of it. This was not all good though. Rainbow Girl fixed her glare on me & said, “You can’t kiss a woman like that & then just go!” She was right, I didn’t want to go & she didn’t want me to. So I phoned Temper Tantrum & asked her if she could pick The Boy up from school & I’d arrive a couple of hours later. “No, I’ve made plans now” was her curt reply. Rainbow Girl being a single mum insisted that I shouldn’t let The Boy down. So I had to leave. It was desperately obvious that if I wasn’t going we’d be having sex. So we kissed goodbye & I set off for Crapsville. I was livid, absolutely fucking gutted. I’d got about 10 miles when I got a text from Rainbow Girl saying I’d left her confused & frustrated but she wasn’t hungry anymore. When another came a minute later saying “ well not for food anyway!” I should’ve done a handbrake turn there & then. Instead I ploughed on: M11, M25, M1 all at 90mph wearing a face like thunder. I would’ve cheerfully strangled anyone who got in my way during those 2 hours. I got to Crapsville at quarter past 3 & spent the next few hours with The Boy watching Return of the Jedi & having several lightsaber duels- all of which I had to lose!I didn’t resent The Boy one iota but I was full of contempt for Temper Tantrum. However, there was no way I was going to allow her the glee of knowing she had cost me my first shag for 10 long fucking months! I went round to see Funny Dance for a couple of hours before work & told him the tale, much to his friendly amusement. Then at work I spent another couple of hours on the phone to Rainbow Girl. Again it was great. We talked a lot about the kiss I “should have never have given”. She told me I’d left her frustrated, throbbing & soaking wet. That’s never a bad thing to hear is it? Come 6.30 Wednesday morning when I got home I was absolutely knackered having only had 6 hours sleep since Sunday morning. I slept like the proverbial log. Yesterday passed without incident though throughout I’ve been jolly, bouncy & refreshed. I shall call Rainbow Girl again tonight, somehow we have to find a mutually agreeable time for a second visit because as we are both very aware, we have unfinished business.

"it's easy to count your blessings, it's easy to soldier on..."

Back in the boiler house again! So I skived off work on Friday- tut tut. It allowed me to commence my blissful weekend of dossing 8 hours early. I say blissful but in fairness dull but refreshing would be a better description. Reckless & Dream Girl got engaged on Friday. He bought a ring & everything, bless him. There’s no real cause for a big hoo hah because they’ve lived together like husband & wife for over 5 years & I cant see them actually getting round to it for years. Still, bless ‘em. I am truly happy for them & we all got drunk on Friday, which was nice.
On the dating front I have this weekend received 2 (yes 2!) messages. We’ll call them A & B for now. Both sound nice though I probably favour A at present purely because B is 5 foot 10 & I’m a good 3 inches short of that! I have both of their mobile numbers so when it’s a reasonable time I shall commence my charm offensive. Hopefully at least a date should come out of it, which will be great. Just meeting someone new will be a pleasure. So much cause for optimism.
Remember the Leeds result from a couple of weeks ago & that our next game was Man Utd away? Well, we only came away with a very creditable point after a 1-1 draw. Go on! Football is sometimes a strange beast. Reckless is a Nottingham Forest supporter & for several years now he has had to endure endless goads from me & Funny Dance about their lowly status in division 1 while my boys have been in the upper echelons of the premiership & enjoying many a European adventure (Champions league semi finals only 3 years ago). So he has been enjoying every second of our spectacular collapse (& so he should) & relishing the very real prospect of Leeds being relegated to division 1. Funny thing is, Forest are firmly planted in the bottom 3 & are staring into the abyss that is (Cue; thunderclaps & Vincent Price cackling) Division 2! Oh how I would laugh if we stay up & they don’t. Ha ha, & he’s been waiting so long to get one over on me. I certainly don’t see myself writing a lot about football but I will have to chronicle the progress of both sides as the season draws ever closer to it’s end.All being well I should be going to see Easyworld tonight. They’re at the Soundhaus in Northampton, so it should be nice & easy. Somewhat bizarrely I haven’t been able to mention it at home. Dream girl & the lead singer became quite "close friends" last year & now she doesn’t want to go & see them. If Reckless were to know they were in town he would be very puzzled as to why Dream Girl doesn’t want to go, Dream Girl doesn’t want to answer any awkward questions so the upshot is I have to go on my own & cant talk about it. Odd. Easyworld are an exceptional band & they are intrinsically linked with the whole Dream Girl & me thing. Lyrically, I don’t think another band has ever come so close to actually replicating my own feelings through their songs. I think he has shared the pain of not being able to let go of that special someone who cant or wont be with you. Their new album “Kill the last romantic” which came out a couple of weeks ago (although Dream Girl had it sent to her last summer so I’ve had it since then) could almost be a concept album about the two of us. “Til the day”, “Saddest song”, “When you come back, I wont be here”, “Goodnight” & the breathtakingly beautiful “Tonight” all could’ve come from my heart. I think Dav & I are perhaps very alike. I think he’s an exceptional talent & I’ll be there tonight singing along to every word. There was of course the whole London thing too but that was last year. Last year + detail = undiscussable. As I shall remind myself in 7 days time.

"It's just the buisness of life, if you're not getting lucky you're just getting by"

Hello. I know it’s been a while but so little of note has happened that I’ve not been inspired to report it. Still nothing has happened but I’m at work on days & I’ve nothing to do so here we are…
I spent a nice few days with The Boy. We went up to Yorkshire. It was nice but truth be told, a little dull. I feel like I’m on a plateau at the moment. Nothing bad is happening so I’m not down about anything, yet there’s nothing to be particularly happy about either. So I’m just plodding really.
Spend pretty much all day yesterday with Reckless & the multi-tracker. Frustratingly we achieved very little. Recording seems to be really amplifying our weaknesses as musicians. I did do a fantastic vocal for “My worthless friend” but that recording had to be scrapped for technical reasons. Think we really need a programmable drum machine.
Still no romance on the horizon & sadly for the first time since I was 14 I didn’t get any valentines cards, nor did I send any. I was going to send one just containing the words “Hopelessly…endlessly” but I ran the idea through my what-do-you-hope-to-achieve filter & had to abort the plan.
I have a free weekend this week but as yet no plans. I really could do with going out but the usual obstacles of where & who with need to be overcome. Think I’ll ask Funny Dance.
Well I’ve been back at work on days for 2 hours & I’m bored stupid. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore or indeed what my role is. On nights it’s easy for I am on my own & I know what’s expected of me, also there are ways of passing any empty time. This is just crap. Think I may have to start looking in the chronicle again. The only part of my work that I find fulfilling is the training, which only happens on rare occasions. I’d like to train full time.
I’m ostrich like by nature so facing up to problems isn’t something I generally do. However something keeps looming into view. I’m 34 years old, smoke 20 fags a day, eat nothing but crap & take no exercise. Yes folks, roll up roll up & see the heart attack waiting to happen! I know I have to change but I’m terribly undisciplined. I shall soon instigate a new regime! *
Also coming up soon: Big Brother. I applied last year to no avail but I think I’ll try again. This will involve going to an audition day & queuing up outside trying to get noticed whilst not looking like a twat. Now there’s a challenge! I would dearly love to get in the house, if nothing else it would give this plodding monotonous life of mine a good shake. It would certainly increase the sales of this book, eh?


*Note from August me- As if (typing with fag in hand & bacon sandwich just devoured)

"I'm going crazy with boredom"

Again little to report but I’ll try nonetheless. Cocked up big time at work last night. To cut a long story short I left a valve open & subsequently poured a couple of hundred litres of paint resin (a white glue-like paste) all over the floor & into the new state of the art water treatment system. Doh! Apparently the general manager –an obnoxious Geordie git for whom the term “little Hitler” was surely created – wanted to throw the book at me but my good friend & supervisor, The Silver Fox, stuck up for me. Still likely to be disciplined though. That’ll put the kibosh on any hopes of a pay rise for a while!
Bought Franz Ferdinand’s self titled debut album today & after 3 listens it sounds bloody great! My e-bay addiction continues although I have stopped buying expensive stuff. It is truly fantastic for getting those long deleted CDs from days of yore & also for re-establishing my “Friends” collection, now all on DVD of course! Temper Tantrum had our whole collection of videos when we split up, which was fair enough as my CDs escaped pretty much unscathed. Out of the 20 she took I’ve replaced all but 2 (currently watching them both on e-bay!)
No romance as yet & no replies to my messages but it’s still early days.
A rare occurrence last night: my beloved yet beleaguered Leeds beat Wolves 4-1! Yay! On a whim of optimism I checked the next couple of fixtures to see if it could herald the start of a run of form in our battle to stay in the premiership.
Next game?
Manchester united.
Away.
Oh bugger!

"..must have a good sense of humour, make me laugh..."

It’s been a few days, I know but only because there has not been much to report.
The multi-tracker is ace but my bloody keyboard wont work so I’m a bit limited at the moment. “Frog” is almost complete though.
Today has been a day for everyday things to be great. I had a lovely sleep, a wonderful soak in the bath & a fantastic wank.
On the dating front I got a message from Tracy, 34, who I wasn’t sure about but she gave me her phone number with 1 digit missing so I cant phone her anyway! I left messages for about 4 or 5 girls so it’s just a waiting game now. I hope.

"I love you my precious, I love you my son"

Well I’ve just registered myself with a dating service. The local radio’s midnight matchmaker thing to be exact. Cant do any harm can it? Not sure I left a very good message though: I described my looks as being phenomenally average. They’ll surely come running! Still, nothing ventured…
Today I feel quite chipper, not for any particular reason, I just do. My multi track recorder arrived today, but I must have slept through the postman’s knock so they gave it to next door…who brought it round at 7 o clock. 7 O BLOODY CLOCK!! I had to be here at work, 20 miles away, for 8. Bugger! Despite feeling sleep deprived already I foresee myself staying up for a bit in the morning so that I can “lay down” a drum track. Probably for “Frog” though “Big lover” & “My worthless friend” are in with a chance.
So Valentine’s Day is hurtling towards us. I’m gonna be spending it with the one person I love above all others: The Boy. Mummy has got a date. I have to be honest & confess that I’m dying to ask her all about it. I know she’s had sex with some random men (fair play to her by the way) but I haven’t yet heard of a boyfriend as such. I hope she does get with somebody & fall in love again. I sincerely want her to be happy plus it would make our parenting relationship much easier (I think!). I hope she doesn’t hook up with a dick. I know she will not let anybody near The Boy who she wasn’t sure about, so I’m cool with that but I do hope new man doesn’t overtake dad in The Boy’s young mind. I love him so much; I adore being with him. He brings me bliss.

"Every single day is the same old thing & i have to say the novelty is wearing thin"

Nothing to report other than the feeling that I’m sinking into a very stagnant rut of work, sleep & little else. I guess I’ll have to take steps to change it. How? Haven’t figured that yet!

"Just 'cos you feel it doesn't mean it's there"

Better try & make some sense out of the weekend, eh?
After a mini sleep on Friday I set off for Crapsville to collect Buddy With Boobs for our trip to London. All went well & we had quite a laugh on the train. We got to Brixton a bit early for my liking & had to endure a 2-hour wait in the venue. Being an experienced gigger I very rarely get into the venue until just prior to the band coming on. The next 90 minutes or so were totally life affirming. There’s nobody else quite like The White Stripes. Jack is quite simply a god & the huge sound that is created by just the 2 of them is truly awe-inspiring. And when Meg took the spotlight for “In the cold, cold night” there was no other woman in the world that mattered & man, did she look hot! The final volley of songs really cemented their place at my musical top table. Only Radiohead, Muse & Depeche mode have had a similar effect on me live. Buddy With Boobs seemed to enjoy it but didn’t get excited or giddy or passionate. It drove the point home that despite how much I deeply care for her (which I do) I could never imagine sharing my life with her. I’ve never really known her to be passionate about anything. Passion matters to me. The journey home was uneventful & that was Friday.
I woke Saturday lunchtime (at last a good quality sleep) & joined Reckless & Dream Girl in the kitchen for coffee. They presented me with 2 tickets to go & see Duran Duran in April. Ace! Both have already, without each other’s knowledge, quietly staked their claims for the other ticket. This could be fun. After a day of blissfully doing nothing the time came for us to hit the town. We got quite stoned prior to leaving & this set us up for a wonderful 3 or 4 hours filled with lots of smiles & laughter. However by about 11 by mood started to change. The main reason for this was that nobody else came. People from work simply never bothered & even Funny Dance & They Used To Be Even Bigger couldn’t make it. This was exactly the same as last year when it was just me, Reckless & Dream Girl. I’m clearly nowhere near as popular as I like to think I am. It also became apparent that I’d hardly noticed a single woman in the place because I had been totally captivated & bewitched by Dream Girl. I’ve found before that going out with a view to pulling is a fruitless exercise when in Dream Girl’s company. I just don’t see anyone else, why would I when the woman who could’ve been scientifically designed to be my perfect partner is sitting with me.
So I decided that I’d like to go home. It didn’t take long for the head-spinning drunkenness to force me to apologetically stumble towards bed. As soon as I left the living room something hit me with the ferocity of a scud missile & I started to cry. I dashed to my room, collapsed on the bed & proceeded to cry like a baby. I sobbed uncontrollably for what felt hours till I must have drifted into sleep. I don’t quite know why it happened, probably a build up of recent tensions, my confidence hitting an all time low & the obvious futility of my feelings for Dream Girl. I do know that it hurt like hell & I desperately wanted to feel someone’s arms around me, telling me it was all going to be alright.
Sunday passed without incident & I had a nice day with The Boy. He really is the reason why I carry on. No matter how low I get I know that he needs me & that he loves me unconditionally. As I do him. He brings joy where there is pain & one day when he’s old enough to understand I’ll tell him of all the times he got me out of the emotional mire of life.So one month into this diary & you must think I’m a right miserable bastard. I don’t blame you but really I’m not! I’m probably one of the most happy-go-lucky people you could ever wish to meet but I am going through a really tough time at the moment. Don’t give up on me yet; we’ll get through this together ok?

"Hopelessly...."

Please note I was very drunk at time of writing…

I hate myself & I want to die. Why? Because I can never imagine loving anyone as much as I hate loving my best friend’s girlfriend. I KNOW! I wish I knew how to stop it but I don’t. Fate has given me such an impossible mission. How will I ever find anyone to match Dream Girl?