END OF MONTH REPORT

When is January anything other than shit?
Not this year.

"Leave all this misery behind"

So reasons to be cheerful coming right up but first a little moan. I’m pissed off at Reckless; I rang him yesterday morning & told him of my ordeal & got no reaction whatsoever. Even Temper Tantrum expressed concern & sympathy for me, but no, not Reckless. I cant but think “ Hey you’re my friend, part of the criteria for that role is caring about me & occasionally expressing that.”
Right, bring on the happy stuff! I had a nice kip today at Funny Dance’s where he & They Used To Be Even Bigger (his wife) looked after me, bless ‘em. Then I went to see The Boy & we spent a lovely couple of hours together. We went sledging, albeit for only 10 minutes, but it was a lovely father-son moment that is making me smile as I write. He got me the best of REM cd for my birthday, which is cool.
Now it’s all about looking forward, in an hour or so I will be paying for my most extravagant e-bay purchase, a multi-track tape recorder (portastudio, if you like). I am giddy with excitement about its arrival; I can make some music, get some of my rather excellent (if I do say so myself) songs down on tape. Can’t wait!
Then tonight Buddy With Boobs & I are going to London to see The White Stripes. The last time I saw them it was an almost religious experience, which prompted me to write “Jack White”: a song that may get recorded soon! Yay!
Then on Saturday night my friends & I are going out on the razz! I aim to get drunk & have a ball. I’m considering constructing an “It’s my birthday- giz a snog!!” badge. I’d fucking love a snog! On top of all this I’m excited by the prospect of Reckless & Dream Girl’s prezzie for me. They always get the best presents. My drums at Xmas being a fine example.
So lots to be optimistic about & hopefully no more dreary moaning.
Having said that, it’s chuffing freezing & I demand that it stops.

"I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday"

Other than suffering some genuine tragedy I cannot imagine having a worse birthday. The only prezzie I received (for now) was some socks from Buddy With Boobs (bless her), though that’s not what made it bad.
There was a bit of a blizzard at about 3.30ish, it was very heavy snow that settled quickly but it had stopped within an hour. So at just after 4.30 I got in the car & headed off to Crapsville to spend some quality birthday time with The Boy prior to starting work at 8pm. So I got in the car at 4.30 & didn’t get to Crapsville until 20 past midnight! Nearly 8 fucking hours to do a trip that usually takes 25 minutes. 8 hours of stop-start-stop again traffic. The icing on the cake of all this? No fags! NO FUCKING FAGS!! Then when I finally had Crapsville in sight about a mile away…I ran out of petrol. Ace. So I never got to see The Boy, which has really upset me (& him), I’ve lost 4 hours overtime which I’d already put in & now I’ve got 5 hours work to do when I feel like I’ve already done a day’s work.
Throughout this ordeal Funny Dance has been an absolute diamond (again!), he phoned me early on into my journey to warn me how bad the roads were. It took him 3 hours to get home. After he got in he phoned me about every half hour to make sure I was ok. Then when I finally arrived he’d made me up some sandwiches, got me some fags & gave me some change for coffees. He also notified work for me, as I had no credit. I shall make a big effort to show him how much I appreciate all his help. Maybe a really lavish birthday present for Funny Dance this year.

"Smile though your heart is aching"

I decided some hours ago that is quite simply unacceptable to be a morose motherfucker on one’s birthday. So I laugh in the face of depression & do a jolly little jig on the twitching corpse of doom.
Happy birthday to me!

"...and neither one particularly appeals to me"

Well, it’s been a while since I wrote. Nothing of any great significance since my last entry – shocker! I texted Too Keen last Thursday night & told her as nicely as I could that I couldn’t go on with it. I don’t know how she took it ‘cause she never replied. So I turned down a guaranteed shag from a young horny woman. I think I did the right thing, makes me a better man apparently. Better than what? I don’t know.
Unfortunately today I’ve been caught in the vice like grip of doom. I feel so low, so lonely, so unloved, so unwanted & worse of all; so unwelcome at home. I’m not even sure I feel liked at home anymore. They try but I have this overwhelming sense that my strongest, most needed, friendships are very slowly being diluted. In half an hour it’s officially my 34th birthday. 34 years & the only thing I have to show for it is my beautiful boy (my reason for still being here) & an impressive music collection. No home, No real career, no outlet for my singing & songwriting. Like I said on page 1 – under-achieving, potential wasting lazy arsed waste of flesh & bone.
Still, things can only get better, right?

"How did it come to this?"

Not a good day. I have spent the last 2 hours feeling really low & on the edge of tears. I don’t really know why.
This morning I had quite a good chat with Dream Girl about Too Keen. As previously mentioned I have been uncomfortable about this whole thing so I asked Dream Girl for her opinion because I always value really highly, even when I don’t agree with her. It was a good chat & it gave me lots of food for thought. I desperately want to be in someone’s arms, to feel wanted. To enjoy kissing & yes: to have some sex, but at what price? What kind of man will it make me if I drive for 3 hours to Somerset just to shag a young girl who I’ve never even seen & who’s never seen me. What kind of girl is willing to offer sex to an older man (How much do I hate that description?!) under the same conditions? Once I’d come what other fulfilment could I expect? I had much the same conversation with Reckless after a paltry 5 hours sleep. He pretty much echoed Dream Girl’s sentiments, but it was nice that he actually talked to me about it. Reckless used to be the one I’d always talk to about my problems but these days he rarely seems to take an interest, “Never mind” being his stock reply to most of my woes. So it was nice to see that he can still show me he cares sometimes.
In my naivety I thought that when I left Temper Tantrum that my life would blossom out of the drudgery that I had let it become. That it would be an adventure. The first 6 to 9 months were but for almost a year now nothing seems to go my way. This is not how it was supposed to be, somehow I’ve managed to trade in a life where someone’s love stifled me & made me unhappy for a life where all I crave is to be loved or at least to be wanted. I’m sure Temper Tantrum would relish the irony of it all with gleeful joy. I remain perplexed & depressed. I’m old enough to know who I am & I like to think my qualities outweigh my failings. Surely financial ineptitude, a low temptation threshold & extreme laziness pale away to nothing next to being genuine, funny, warm, clever, talented, giving & having a heart full of love just waiting to be lavished on someone. Yet here I am, sitting in the boiler room at work 2 hours before I’m due to start because I have nowhere else to go & no one to be with other than this little red book which is (plummeting to new uncharted depths of sadness now!) fast becoming my new best friend. How did it come to this? I have now moved into the much more luxurious surroundings of reception complete with comfy chair & hot chocolate. I’ve actually been really quite naughty, I left The Boy’s house at 19.30 & had nowhere to go so I came to work. I clocked in just before 8 & have been successfully hiding ever since. I shall go & pick up Buddy With Boobs in a few minutes then come back & no one will be any wiser. I will have “earned” about £18 for this time period. Tut tut.

"Have you got it? do you get it? if so how often?"

Back in the boiler room again, finding a little solitude to write. Had a lovely day with The Boy earlier. He’s just gained a healthy interest in star wars; so today we watched “A new hope” together. He loved it. Then I gave him a bath & read him a bedtime story. Dead nice. Since I left Temper Tantrum I have been fiercely determined to not let my relationship with The Boy be affected too much. And it really hasn’t been. It’s been a little harder since he started school but I see lots of him & I’m sure (through gritted teeth) that Temper Tantrum would have to admit that I’ve been the model example of an estranged dad. A rare case of me succeeding in something.
My e-bay addiction has shown no signs of abating. I’ve bid for a further 5 or 6 items in the last hour or so. Still, I’m banging in the overtime so it’s not like I can’t afford it.
Spoke to Too Keen earlier & gave her the talk. How I’m not looking for a girlfriend or a relationship, just a bit of fun. She was cool about it & I feel no guilt even though I probably wouldn’t mind a girlfriend, just not one who’s 19 & lives in chuffing Somerset. Think I’m gonna go on Friday, though I’m quite nervous about it for a few reasons. I’m going on my own to a strange town where I’ll be meeting people I don’t know then I’ll (hopefully) be having sex with someone who I haven’t yet seen! It’ll all be very exciting, I’m sure.
If all goes to plan she will be my 15th sexual partner (assuming that penetration is the criteria). I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sad twat or a natural listmaker or even a combo of the two but I can name all of them quite easily. In chronological order obviously! I’d really like to share the list with you but I dare not for fear of recrimination! Out of the 14 there is only one that I wish had never happened. Blackpool, say no more. <<<<>>>>> I think that this shows that although I haven’t been getting much lately, when I have it’s been quality! Better stop now; I know what I’m like. A coloured bar chart & individual breakdowns of techniques, body parts & position preferences is on the cards unless I stop now!

"I'll be there for you 'cos you're there for me too"

After reading back over last night’s drunken ramblings, I must address Reckless. Reckless is my best friend & I love him dearly. Some of what I wrote last night may have belied that fact, but although true at the time, it was simply the sound of envy being voiced. Odd thing, drunkenness. Experience has taught me that people invariably say & do what they really truly feel when pissed, yet use drunkenness as a disclaimer the next day. I’m not going to do that. What I wrote last night was a true reflection of how I felt last night. What actually pissed me off is that I was really enjoying the 3 of us having a laugh. Then all of a sudden it stopped & they buggered off. It’s hard to have any kind of drunken fun on your own. So that triggered the venting of my spleen.
Right now I’m sitting in Zoobie Island. One of those huge indoor play areas with ballpits & slides & tunnels & stuff. The Boy is off doing his bit to contribute to the colossal noise of children enjoying themselves. Looking around the seating area where I drink my not-very-nice-at-all coffee, there are families mostly. Cheerfully chatting & proudly watching their offspring having fun. Also there are a couple of cliques of young mums all uniformed in bottle blonde & miniskirts. They’re not unattractive but they are so stylised that the plainer, more natural looking women stand out more. Then there are the 3 or 4 men like me, sitting alone reading papers & drinking tea. It’s pure conjecture but I imagine they’re all estranged dads like me.The reasonably pretty lady in the red about 10 feet away has just unwittingly given me a sensational look down her top. Nice view it was & it’s got me wondering if women are aware of exactly how much scrutiny their bodies are constantly under. Men (not just me) in general spend an enormous amount of time looking at breasts & bums. I would estimate that the penis controls about 30% of all eye movement & there’s nothing the brain can do about it. If it could, then it would stop men from crashing their cars by making them watch the road instead of the scantily clad hotty on the pavement. It would also prevent the horror of getting caught looking up skirts & down tops. On behalf of men everywhere I apologise to the fairer sex but if you had a dick thinking for you, you’d understand!

"...but I'd gladly put up with your shit til the day that I die"

I fucking hate Dream Girl. I fucking love Dream Girl. She would deny it until she’s fucking blue in the fucking gorgeous flawless face but she’s the most manipulative bitch that ever walked the earth. Yet she does in with such panache you cant help but like her for it. Tonight because I’ve been getting horny texts from Too Keen she’s been literally all over me. When was the last time she looked at me like she has tonight? When was the last time she wrestled with me in that way that made sure her perky little breasts were pressed against me? She knows exactly what she’s doing, she’s good. Real fucking good: For here I am thinking about nothing but her when I’ve got a horny 19 year old texting me to tell me she wants to suck my cock, oh yeah Dream Girl is the queen of everything. I so wish I could get her out of my heart but I cant. As I write this she’s (quite rightly) fucking my best friend. I often wonder if it’s just sheer bad luck or fate’s way of punishing me that my best friend’s girl is my perfect woman. She is perfect & tonight it showed. I would gladly die for a few hours of being the love of her life. If you’re reading this Reckless, then A) serves you right for being a nosey cunt with no respect for your friend’s privacy & B) Tell me 2 good reasons why I shouldn’t have fallen in love with the most wonderful, funny, sexy, clever woman I’ve ever met! (Ha! Get out of that you lucky, lucky fucker!)
In other news, the interview for the supervisor job was postponed & Delusions Of Grandeur got the lab job.
It causes me real, tangible pain that as I write this, the girl who has fucked me up like no other is probably coming about now with Reckless as the provider of that pleasure. I know I’m a cunt for even thinking about that but I would defy any man to escape the pure unadulterated joy that comes in the form of Dream Girl.
Well it’s 22.28 so I’m going back upstairs to watch the footy. I’ll somehow try to ignore the sounds of their lovemaking & instead concentrate on the plight of my beloved Leeds Utd. It’s quite ironic how their rise & fall has matched my own. If you hadn’t noticed I’m very drunk. As Wolves are beating Man U 1-0, I can hear Reckless’ vinegar strokes followed by his customary trip to the toilet to dispose of the condom. On top of everything else I cant send my horny messages to Too Keen because I’ve run out of credit, partially because Reckless used lots of it on his ultimately fruitless dope scoring calls. Nice one, mate.22.56 Just feel it’s worth mentioning that Dream Girl would deny all of this but time has shown that Dream Girl is VERY good at denial.

"Do you remember the first time?"

D’you know what? I’m going to give it a go! So Delusions Of Grandeur got the lab job…mmm time will tell but I hope he changes the group dynamic for the better. It will also have a knock on effect on my chances of getting the supervisor’s job for reasons that are far too mundane to go into. If I were a betting man my money would be on Queen Bee to get it. I hope she does y’know. She’ll do a bloody good job. The more I think about this, the more I don’t actually want the job. I wouldn’t want to turn my back on my training work. I love that part of my job, love it! I wish I could do it all day every day. I wont let go of it. It’s my baby, I conceived it, I nurtured it, watched it grow & now I stand back in pride (never standing still though!). Did I mention I was stoned?
Went round Funny Dance’s last night, watched Lord of the rings – return of the king. Which was very good. Had some tea, downloaded some tunes, hung out, slept on the sofa. It was cool. It’s been nice seeing the kids a bit more as well, bless ‘em. Speaking of kids, had some fun in the snow with The Boy yesterday, we (I) built a great snowman, he had eyebrows! Temper Tantrum was around too & we got on quite well, both of us doing that joking-but-only-partly thing. The snow reminded me of one of the most wonderful days of my life. It was January 1993. I’d only been seeing Temper Tantrum for a little while & we were staying at my Mum & Dad’s up in Yorkshire. We went out for the day to Haworth. It snowed quite heavily & the whole place was so beautiful & enchanting. We got soaked but had a great day. I remember there was a hilarious thing with a bloke & a wheelbarrow but I’m buggered if I can remember the details. That was the day that we both truly, madly, deeply fell in love. That night we made love for the first time, Temper Tantrum’s very first time, and it was fantastic. At it like rabbits after that, we were! So whilst on her patio yesterday I really wanted to say “Remember Haworth?” to her but I didn’t dare in case it was misinterpreted. I’m very comfortable enjoying the lovely memories I have of our 10 years together but I wouldn’t go back. I care a lot about her but I haven’t once regretted making the decision to leave.
I made a prick of myself in front of a beautiful woman today. I was at our packaging department when she arrived. Long blonde hair, tidy body & an aura of class. Today I looked like a scarecrow. 4 days’ growth, hair needs cutting so it’s looking a bit stupid & on top of this I’ve got the same clothes on as yesterday (clean socks & undies mind!). About as attractive as diphtheria. Still I popped in the office a couple of times & engaged in some chit chat. She said she’d seen me before while seeing my boss about something. I replied that I couldn’t have seen her because I’m sure I would not have been able to forget. She smiles widely & thanks me; I did my cool smile (stop sniggering!) & walked out. I’d impressed myself! My next visit to the office saw the arrival of the gibbering, bumbling idiot part of me that is much more accustomed to talking to women. She’d been asked if she had a fella which she answered with an enigmatic “one or two”. At this point I thought one of the guys said “hey flash” in a “ get in there my son” kind of way. I now fear that event never actually occurred. What did definitely happen was me standing up & saying “ Fancy looking like this (now addressing her) the next time I see you I wont look like this I’ll look great, we’ll talk then”. I hastily left the room & realised with dread that I must have looked a right twat! Doh! She was out of my league anyway.
Got 2 Depeche Mode DVDs off e-bay today for less than 20 quid. Result!
Didn’t get any negative vibes from Dream Girl today, in fact she’s been quite lovely. Maybe I have been paranoid, I don’t know.
Well it’s nearly midnight so I’d better turn in, not bad though considering I couldn’t be bothered an hour ago eh?Out for a few beers tomorrow, hope it’s cool.

Drugs are bad, m'kay

I’d quite like to do a bit & tell you about the last day or two but I truly can’t be bothered. I shouldn’t get this stoned…still day off tomorrow. Yay!

Cartrouble..oh yeah

Sunday was un-eventful but today’s been good on the whole. I was worried at quarter past five this morning when the battery light on the car stayed lit. I knew that it meant a problem with the fanbelt & that the alternator wouldn’t be charging the battery. Ha! See the fact that I knew that was something of a revelation for I am utterly-useless-cackyhanded-man when it comes to all things practical. Can’t fix bugger all me! So I got Funny Dance to help me. He came through a treat as well. I would be so lost without Funny Dance. We’ve been friends since we were 15 years old, oddly we haven’t hung out much lately but we probably converse every day or two. Favours mostly, we’re always doing each other favours. More often than not it’s me needing help. Funny Dance is who I call when I run out of petrol or need a tenner till Friday or when I need someone to get me White Stripes tickets off e-bay. He never seems to weary of lending a hand & it’s a huge credit to him. He’s a diamond.
At work I put my letter of application in for the supervisor’s job, still not convinced of everything but I’m gonna play it cool.
Buddy With Boobs texted me tonight just to say that she’s missing me, which is a lovely warm thought to a lonely git like me. I’d love a cuddle.
I think Dream Girl is pissed off at me about something, I truly don’t know what it could be. Perhaps just my continued presence here is irritating her. If so, I don’t blame her nor do I have any ill feeling toward her. It just saddens me to think….oh, I don’t know.
Sad music waffling alert!! (If anyone gets bored skip to the next bit but hey, it’s my diary & I have to be me, right?) I have been thrown a curveball, something truly unexpected has happened. To briefly explain, I am often quite loyal & sentimental about bands that I like. Even when they don’t really excite me anymore I’ll still buy their albums out of devotion (usually on the cheap though!). One case being Del Amitri. A band I used to be well into & the main bridge between the 80’s synthpop world I used to live in & the indie/alternative guitar land that I now inhabit. Just before Christmas I picked up their last album, “Can you do me good?” for a fiver. It had been out for 18 months or so & I kept meaning to get it. Truth be known I had little hope for it but I thought I better give it go, so it soundtracked bathtime the other day. Now I can’t stop listening to it, it’s great! Songwriting on a par with “twisted” or “waking hours” & a groovy (yes, groovy!!) new sound thing going on. Perhaps I should bits like that in another colour so that people who don’t know or care what I’m babbling on about can get through this untroubled by such musings.
Well, I better go to bed.

Write down all the things that you'd like to say

Well, here I am. I know a whole week as passed by but by my standards the fact that I’ve just got out of bed to write this is some feat. I’ll perhaps recap the past week if my persistence holds out but today bears some scrutiny…
I’m beginning to feel like I’ve outstayed my welcome here. Here, for the uninitiated, is the home of my bestest friends Reckless & Dream Girl & their four kids: Scared of haircuts, The Eavesdropper, Noisy but sweet & Cutieboy. I’m really sad about this for no other reason than I’m disappointed in myself for letting it happen.
Today has been odd. Today, perhaps for the 1st time, I’ve felt isolated. I’m pretty sure that nobody has chosen to make me feel this way & that any actions that have have been unwitting. At the same time though it can’t be dismissed as paranoia. It’s a strange empty feeling, kind of uncomfortable rather than painful.
Other factor today: The Boy. I have missed my 4-year-old son like crazy this week yet today he has driven me mad! He didn’t do anything wrong really. I’m concerned that he may be the loudest child ever known, even his whispers drown out the telly!
Work has been very dominant in my life this week. It was nice to go back to my other “family”. There’s been a lot going on. One of our competitors has gone tits up, leading to an imminent upsurge in business. There are also job changes afoot. In the lab (where I work) we’re currently trying to recruit Annoying, Miserable & Bald’s replacement (or should that be improvement?). So far it’s between Decent Sort With Bad Teeth, Not Right (as if!) & Buddy with Boobs (bless her). Delusions Of Grandeur will probably apply on Monday & he has to be the favourite. I would dearly love Buddy With Boobs to get it & for all the right reasons too. She would be so happy to get it & I suspect that if she beat her nerves she could be a fine lab technician. Then of course Wind Up Merchant’s new position means that the main production line supervisor’s job is open. I have, after much thought, decided to apply. I don’t really want the job but I think applying could reveal where my future in the company lies & it could also lead to a very welcome pay rise (I’m not going to hold my breath though, which when you think about it, is a very silly thing to do anyway…unless you’re underwater…or being gassed…erm…).
Also this week I have discovered the wonder of e-bay. Earlier in the week Buddy With Boobs, in a rather out of character moment, suggested that she’d like to come & see a band with me. I told that Easyworld were touring & that The White Stripes were doing some gigs but that I was sure they’d sold out. Still I checked NME.com & sure enough they had. Then the link to e-bay caught my eye. Moments later I discovered that our tickets were in plentiful supply so the bidding ensued. The next day, with my other bestest friend Funny Dance doing the clicking, we got right into it! With just 3 minutes to go we put a bid in for 2 tickets to the Brixton academy show. £76. As the seconds ebbed away me & my audience of Crisp Fiend & They’re All Whores watched transfixed as every time it refreshed our bid remained the highest. Refresh again, 47 seconds - still top. 23 seconds – still top. 8 seconds, click refresh, rub eyes & shriek in horror as the screen reappears & some bastard has gazumped us by 2 quid! BASTARD!! I have to confess the whole thing was thoroughly exhilarating! Akin to watching a striker burst clear of the defence in the last minute, lobbing the keeper & seeing the ball bounce harmlessly off the bar. With the mission left in Funny Dance’s capable hands the tickets were acquired so Buddy With Boobs & I shall go to the heart of our wondrous capitol’s seedy underbelly to see the magnificent White Stripes play in a great venue, on a Friday night, 2 days after my birthday. Ace!
Buddy With Boobs & I have a strange relationship. We are very close friends, lovers in all but deed & both kind of lonely. We’ve been this way for 4 or 5 years now. Our marriage vows have always stopped anything ever happening (just hers for the last 18 months, obviously!) but there remains an irresistible sexual energy between us. I think we both suspect that we’ll end up shagging one day. If history hadn’t educated me so well I’d swear that day was getting closer. We often talk about her poor sex life (I have none to speak of!) since her & FuckwitHusband got camera phones (I want one SO much!!) they have getting a bit rude. So on Tuesday, I picked up her phone & started nosing, telling her I was gonna find one of these photos. She was quite alarmed at first but then relaxed, safe in the knowledge I would find nothing. Then, there it was: A grainy but clear photo of Buddy With Boobs’ left breast being cupped for the lens. Yes! Buddy With Boobs was mortified! We both laughed our bloody heads off. It was a great moment (and a little bit of a turn on). My sex life has displayed some tiny green shoots of recovery this week. My mate & colleague, Crisp Fiend, has a “fancy bit” (her words) in Somerset & she has a collection of friends who would apparently be more than happy to get jiggy with me despite none of them ever having seen me or spoken to me. If I’m totally honest I’m a bit perturbed by the lack of romance involved. Anticipation is a much more potent drug than expectation. That said, any opportunity to end the longest dry spell since the day I entered into the sexual arena (15 oct 1986 with Horny As Hell) is going to be grasped firmly with both hands. It has now been 8 months since my last full romp. This is not an acceptable state of affairs.
Anyway, all this attention to the week’s events has lifted my spirits & I feel much happier than when I started 90 minutes ago. It’s like therapy! Hopefully this will galvanise me into writing more frequently. No promises though, this is ME we’re talking about.

"We're gonna come back down & do it all over again"

So here we are 3 days late, typical me, finally starting this journal. Different from all previous incarnations in that I’m gonna keep it up all year (yeah, right!). Then at this time next year I shall change the names of all concerned* & send it out to various publishing houses where they will be bowled over by my wit, wisdom & turn of phrase to such an extent that they’ll be tripping over each other to give me buckets of cash & Flash will become the long overdue male equivalent of Bridget Jones. Of course none of this will actually happen. Not because it’s impossible but purely because I am the biggest under-achieving, potential wasting, lazy arsed waste of flesh & bone that ever lived. As you will see.
Well, New Year’s Eve was fun. Lots of vodka, whiskey, dope & even a little Charlie combined well with some heady emotions & family fun to make a really nice way to round off the most difficult & challenging year I’ve ever had. 2003 shall cast a long shadow.


*I already have for the purpose of going “worldwide”