"The winner takes it all, the loser standing small"

That's better!

Ok so Lordy B took up the challenge first & blazed into the lead,
Charby & His Antship quickly followed but couldn't catch his mighty points haul of 4!
3 each guys (can't be too upset knowing that my beautiful little baby will not now be known as Frogmella!)
Swiss Toni then steamed into the fray with a Lord trumping 6 points but could he see off the late challenge of Dukestral manoevres in the Joke?
Yes he could (only 3 Dukester)!

The correct answers were:
Toxic
Rock the Kasbah
Babylon
Connection
Never tear us apart
Rock your body
Live to tell
Ace of spades
Don't stop me now (even I'm not that ego-centric!)
Laura

Swiss Toni: Name my pod, sir.

All of you now head over to Swiss Toni's place where something is afoot!

Go on , now!

"I'll always be waiting for you"

I KNOW I have more than 3 readers, C'mon play the bloody game!

"That's the way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever"

You scored as Hedonism. Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can.

"Eat,drink & be merry for tomorrow we die"

Well, fancy that!

So after The Boy who do I love most in the whole wide world?

That's right, my I-pod.

With this in mind I feel the time has come to give my ickle poddy pod pod a name.

And you can choose the name!

You have to win the honour though, were going to play a game!

*Flash stands up & claps hands in a Monica Geller stylee*

Here's the deal on my i-pod there are a smattering of artists of whom I have only one song.

I give you 10 names, you give me your guesses at which song it is for each, whoever gets the most right, names my little babykins*. Cool?

Britney Spears

The Clash

David Gray

Elastica

INXS

Justin Timberlake

Madonna

Motorhead

Queen (psst, it's not Bo Rhap)

Scissor sisters

Come on, all join in!!

*I retain the right to veto any names that offend me or are just plain stooopid.

"So here is my confession, it's an obsession"

So it's all uploaded then.
The whole album is now available for your amusement.

As I promised / threatened (delete as appropriate), I will now guide you track by track through this little bit of my soul that I continue to bandy about to all & sundry.
I have to be honest & say that I feel a little miffed with myself to have gotten to a point where I've pushed it too far. I can sense that I've milked it a bit & people are starting to get cheesed of about it. It's a failing of mine, I never know when to stop. Sorry.

Also from my own point of view I feel I need to close the door on "Confessions..." before I can start working on some new creations. The inside of my head hurts from "White celebration" bouncing off it, desperately trying to get out.

"We both know"
I wrote this around this time last year. As is the case with a lot of my songs, the basic idea came to me & then it formed in my head as I worked. To me it's about a specific relationship but it could quite easily be describing the uneasy bond between any 2 people who share a secret.
It was (along with "Never enough") one of the first songs completed for the album.
I like it very much & I'm very proud of it. It's position as opening track was secure long before the completion of the album because I feel it's a good indication of what's to come, a statement of intent if you will. I have been surprised & a little disturbed that no one (other than Delusions of Grandeur) has singled it out for any praise. As I said though, I really like it & that's what really matters.

"Resistance is futile"
Written during spring/summer 2003. Lyrically it does pretty much what it says on the tin.
I have a love/hate relationship with the finished version. It has lived in my head for a long time before having life breathed into it. In my head it always sounded like a relative of Suede's "Trash". Obviously it hasn't turned out like that but I am very happy indeed with the instrumentation of the song. It's the vocal I'm not sure of. I KNOW I can do better. Again it's received little in the way of praise. I thought that I had the sequence of the tracks absolutely spot on but people's views have suggested otherwise, particularly at the beginning of the album.

"Hate farm"
About 2 years old now, Hate Farm is one of the songs that Reckless & I perform with just guitar & voice. In our little fantasy world which we share, we've had many a discussion about this song. Reckless feels it should definitely be a single but I don't think it could ever be a single. (Two 35 year old men discussing something that we both know is never, ever going to happen; how very sad). I worry & always have that the lyric will be misinterpreted. There are many stupid people in the world & I hate the (again, never gonna happen) idea of it being twisted into the warcry for the BNP or something equally vile. 200 neanderthal's punching the air screaming "Get off my land", ugh.
Sonically I am very pleased with it in general, particularly the intro. The limitations of the software used are most prevalent on this one though, it should sound furious.
As I expected "Hate farm" has divided opinions right down the middle.

"The truth about you"
The oldest song on the album, this one was written in 1999. It's about She Who Changed Everything & how I felt when I discovered that instead of being someone truly special to make her cheat on her husband, I was just one in a procession of guys.
I'm happy with the sound I achieved for the track & other than being a tad wobbly towards the end I feel it's one of my better vocal performances.
There have been no opinions on this one either way so I don't really know how it's been received.

"Egg wielding freak"
I suppose I could justifiably describe this as the hit of the album. Everyone seems to like it which is great. Though the lyric is not about anything weighty or emotionally charged, it remains one of my favourites. Inspired by many a time screaming "Yoshi, you egg wielding freak!" at the telly whilst playing super mario kart with Reckless & Dream Girl.
You would not believe the amount of people who have said it's obviously about my ex-wife!
I was dead chuffed at the groovy, funky sound I managed to attain for it.

"Upon the scales"
Written in about 10 minutes one Saturday afternoon in April 2003, hot on the heels of "Haunted" (which is possibly my best song which I've been too scared to record yet). I sat with a little keyboard, a pen & paper at the kitchen table of Reckless & Dream Girl's house when I lived with them. They were out shopping & I played them it when they came back in; they were astounded.
It still remains one of my personal favourites & out of all the songs that existed pre-recording, it's the one that comes closest to what I hear in my head. Musically I'm very proud of it & though I've sung it better I'm still pretty pleased with the vocal.
If I only had a full orchestra & a choir...
A handfull of folk have singled this out as one of their favourites, to those people: I salute you & your discerning taste.

"The love of my night"
In honour of CrazySexyLady, the best one night stand ever.
It's supposed to sound upbeat & danceable. It does to me anyway!
Essentially placed where it is on the album to lighten the mood a little.

"Nothing's changed"
Written towards the end of last year, when during a e-fuelled conversation with someone I ended up telling them that I still loved them, to which they replied "that things are cool but nothing's changed".
It took an unexpected turn during the recording process. Unhappy with the drum sounds, I changed to a different kit & voila! I like this a lot but fully expected nobody else to at all.
The one or two who have expressed their liking for it have surprised & pleased me in equal measure.
The shouty noise at the end made me deliriously giddy with excitement upon it's first playback.

"Leave the poor girl alone"
Though I have no great affection for Britney it makes me really fed up to see her being slaughtered in the press for doing nothing out of the ordinary at all. It became more of an attack on the "journalists" who perpertrate the act rather than a defense of Ms. Spears.
Sonically, I'm reasonable pleased with it, vocally I'm not.

"Second best"
Another fairly old one, written & rewritten in the boiler house at work many times. I had always imagined it to be piano driven with an orchestral backing coming in on the refrain in the second half. However, already done that with "...scales" I tried something different. I remain very pleased with the results & feel it's a very good vocal performance.
Buddy With Boobs loves it & despite it being very down & almost dirge-like, so do I.

"Never enough"
A strange beast this one, the music was written before the melody or the lyrics. Came up with the hook whilst noodling about on a little keyboard I'd picked up that day for £4 at a car boot sale. The lyric is pretty self explanatory. I personally feel that the verses are absolutely top notch. If only it had a killer chorus, then it would be a great song as opposed to an ok song.

"Confessions of an idiot"
The idea for this has been knocking around for a while. It was only ever an idea though. Suddenly it came to me, the day after I came up with the album title. I am so, so proud of this one. To my ears it's perfect, instrumentally, vocally & lyrically. I love it & it would seem that almost everyone who has had a listen likes it. From the moment it was recorded it was always going to close the album.


So that's it folks, no longer shall I go on about it. It has been a massive part of my life for the last 8 months or so, but the time has come to move on.

One final confession from this idiot; Upon release I couldn't help but think that everyone who heard it would be utterly blown away by it, proclaiming "Wow, he really is the great lost songwriter of his generation" & playing it to everybody they knew until eventually it fell into the hands of somebody with some influence & lo & behold, the life I've always wanted was finally presented to me on a plate.
I know, I know.

Sad.

Little.

Man.

"Found myself talking to a frog today"

So, about being objective.
Over at the Gnu Cnu website a couple of new comments have appeared.
And to that commenter the vocal on "Resistance is futile" is, and I quote, "Exquisite". Fancy that!
So I figure I'll just upload the whole album in one go & that will be that.
Some time this week I'm gonna post a track by track guide, stuff about the inspirations behind the songs, when they were written, that sort of thing.
Then I'm officially closing the door on "Confessions..." as I suspect I've tried your collective patience quite enough.

Cutieboy had his 2nd operation this afternoon. It went well but he's now in a HDU as he's had 2 operations in a week. He'll be in hospital for another week or so & then off school for a minimum of 4 weeks. Poor little fella.

High drama around work today. I was having a fag about 3.30ish this afternoon when the police helicopter starts hovering above the place. My work is right on the edge of Crapsville & to the North & East there are just fields & a semi-famous hill. Looking into the fields I spotted a couple of rozzers, I then went out the back & counted about 6 plod wondering around the adjacent fields with the chopper hovering above. I never knew if they caught the fugitive they were after but I'll no doubt be informed by the Crapsville weekly on Thursday.
The last time I saw something like this was New years day 2 or 3 years back. The copperchopper was out then & I observed several police cars around the edge of the country park. I found out a couple of days later that a couple of youths had stolen a crate of Stella from a shop. That justified all that tax payers money, eh?

So I'm working till 2am tonight & I've pretty much completed all my tasks already so I'm gonna unleash another list on you. This time my favourite albums from each year since 1980. The rules state that I'm listing the album that was my fave at the time, even if I've since discovered a better album from that year.

1980- Kings of the Wild Frontier / Adam & the Ants
1981- Duran Duran / Duran Duran
1982- The Changling / Toyah
1983- Seven & the ragged tiger / Duran Duran
1984- Human Racing / Nik Kershaw
1985- Songs from the big chair / Tears for fears
1986- Black Celebration / Depeche Mode
1987- Music for the masses / Depeche Mode
1988- Once around the world / It bites
1989- Technique / New order
1990- Violator / Depeche Mode
1991- Acthung baby - U2
1992- Change everything / Del amitri
1993- Songs of faith & devotion / Depeche Mode
1994- Parklife / Blur
1995- Different class / Pulp
1996- Everything must go / Manic street preachers & Coming up / Suede*
1997- Ok computer / Radiohead
1998- Six / Mansun
1999- Performance & cocktails / Stereophonics
2000- JJ72 / JJ72
2001- Origin of symmetry / Muse
2002- This is where I stand / Easyworld
2003- Absolution / Muse
2004 - Final straw / Snow patrol

*Just cannot split them.
So there you go.

Today's title is the first line of a song called "Frog" which I wrote about 4 years ago. It's a jolly little guitar & voice knockabout that I just don't feel I could do with reason. It was inspired one day at work when I found myself talking to a frog in the chemical yard.
I often do this.
It's usually something along the lines of; "You don't want to be hopping around here mate, what with all these chemicals about"
This evening I found myself treading on a frog.
I was absolutely gutted when I realised, which was some time later when I checked to see what I'd trodden on earlier when I'd been in a hurry. It had stayed in my mind because it was a strange underfoot feeling. A bit squishy.
I really did almost cry.
Poor little fella.

And how the fuck does the retarded spellchecker get Syncopation from Knockabout????????

"I took her to a supermarket..."

This weekend I have been looking after Reckless & Dream Girl's children.
Sadly young Cutieboy is in hospital, he had appendicitus (Sp?) & had the operation on Wednesday. There have been complications & he is to be operated on again today.
Reckless & Dream Girl are understandably wanting to be with him throughout this ordeal so I basically lived at their house all weekend. I'll keep you posted on his situation.

Now this may be a desperately flawed idea but I thought I'd share with you the contents of this weeks shopping trolley. Then you can all have a better understanding of my culinary habits, etc.
So let's take a trip down my reciept from Tesco's on Friday afternoon...

6 200ml cartons of apple juice- For The Boy
2 x Bernand Matthew's Cheese Hamwichs - Bootiful & buy one get one free, how could I possibly resist?
6 pack of chocolate mousse
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pasta shapes - also for The Boy, honest!
2 x Smoked bacon rashers - Buy one get one free, result!
Dark chocolate digestives
Chocolate brownie vienetta - mmmmmmm
Cooked beef - for the sarnies
Fair trade double choc chip cookies
10 dark chocolate "breaks" - Tesco's kit kats
Cheese - Red Leicester
Fish Fingers
8 Cumberland Sausages - If I went to the supermarket & didn't buy sausages it just wouldn't be right!
2 Chesseburgers
Eggs
Chicken Tikka Masala with rice - Pop it in the microwave & voila - a proper meal!
8 Crumpets
2 Chocolate croissants
24 pack of Tesco's snacks - Wotsits, Monster munch, etc
Plain Baguette- Which is now stale as I was away at the weekend
Pappadums
Nann bread
Loaf of white bread - I've recently defected from Hovis to Kingsmill (the purple one) as it's just as yummy but stays fresh a couple of days longer.
DVD- "Die Hard" at only 6 quid! Though I've been meaning to get the box set, I just couldn't resist.
Magazine - FHM which I only buy once a year when they do the 100 sexiest women in the world thing. Much drooling ensues...

So that was this week's shopping which cost me £38.61.


Having thoroughly enjoyed watching my songs on the "Charts", I now plan to upload the rest of the album to soundclick. I'm going to do this 2 songs at a time, 1 strong one & one not so strong.
Of the 10 remaining I'd like to ask if you agree with the following assesment...

Strong -
Confessions of an idiot
Upon the scales
Nothing's changed
Hate farm
The truth about you

Not so strong-
The love of my night
Leave the poor girl alone
Second best
Never enough
Resistance is futile (which I may not upload at all because, let's face it, it's an awful vocal that I someone allowed past quality control)

I really would appreciate any thoughts on the above, as your opinions will be much more objective than mine.

"I am justified, I am purified, I am sanctified"

A year ago today I walked to the top of a mountain.
Those who have braved the desolation of the early part of the archives may remember why but for those of you who haven't; let me fill you in.

The early part of 2004 was a pretty dark time for me. In March my doctor confirmed what I already knew: I was suffering from depression. I was prescribed some pills which I found to be ineffective. One night whilst lying awake in my bed trying to silence the myriad of voices that would taunt me, I decided that enough was enough & that some form of action had to be taken. I wrote out a few letters to those who would be affected by my action, jumped in my car at around 1am & drove. I drove through the night to picturesque North Wales, the idea being that I would spend some time away from my chaotic & draining daily life. I spent 3 days up there & it was sheer bliss. I did a lot of thinking & came to the conclusion that I had to change the way I dealt with certain things. I certainly couldn't carry on the way I was, I was heading for nothing but oblivion. Ultimately it proved to be a masterstroke. I still occasionally get a little down but don't we all? I cured myself of my depression & found some sort of strength from somewhere. I also drew up a set of rules to guide me in my new depression-free life.

I thought that today being a year to the day since I made those rules, it was a suitable time to revisit The 10 Commandments Of Flash & see how I've measured up.
Last year's words in bold - today's in italics.

1.ACT

I have fucked up so much of my life because of not acting upon things that I should have. I can no longer allow this to happen, I must act upon things. This is crucial & that's why it's law No.1.

In all honesty I probably haven't done as well as I would've liked with this one, though there has been a measure of improvement it's something I continually need to push myself on.

2.DRUGS - A TIME & A PLACE.
I can't help but think that a lot of my mental decline has been down to the amount of dope I've been smoking. Now I love getting stoned but from now on it shall only be consumed when it's appropriate. So no more joints at 3 o clock on a Tuesday afternoon.
Result! I still use drugs sometimes recreationally but I am totally in command of the situation.

3.THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW.
I know what it is & I know what I have to do. I shall make a grand gesture of closure tomorrow before I leave Wales.
In the year that has passed I have broken this rule once & it was a minor transgression that was dealt with swiftly. No harm done.

4.DEFINE WHAT I WANT TO DO
Throughout my life I have had lots of dreams about what I want to do or who I want to be. I see the need to define these dreams & either follow them or consign them to the bin.
Messed up on this one, no closer to knowing what I want to be or want to do than I was a year ago. I know what I don't want to be- a failure.

5.STOP BEING BONE-FUCKING-IDLE.
Laziness is my nemesis. It has cost me so much in my life. I can't allow it to cost me anything else. That's why I pushed myself into climbing a mountain today. I have to fight laziness at every opportunity because it needs burying.
I'm always going to be blighted with laziness but I do feel I'm much better at fighting it. I feel that I succeeded to some degree with this rule.

6.BE CLEAN
Result!

7.USE MY GIFTS
In conjunction with laws 1, 4, & 5, I clearly need to use the skills I possess because, frankly, a lot of people aren't so lucky. I have a great singing voice, an ear for a fine melody & a way with words that can serve me as a lyricist, a writer & also as a conversationalist. I must be proud of these gifts & use them accordingly.
I feel that I've totally pulled this off. World Of Flash & "Confessions of an idiot" are the proof of the pudding. I may not take over the world but I'm USING my talents & it's made me very happy indeed. (If further proof were needed; "Leave the poor girl alone" has just randomly come on my I-tunes)

8.WOMEN MUST NOT RULE MY LIFE
As anyone who knows me well enough would tell you, all logic goes out of the window where women are concerned. This is flawed & has cost me dear time & time again. The pursuit of love must not detract from or obstruct everything else in my life.
Again some semblance of success here. I have grown much more comfortable being without a woman with me all the time. Obviously I still would like to be loved (or maybe just shagged) but I'm ok. the fairer sex are NOT ruling my life. So that would be a result then!

9.SET AIMS
I should set aims on a regular basis & try to achieve them. This can only lead to success.
Mmm, I must have forgotten this one, moving swiftly on...

10.FUCK IT!
I am a big fan of spontaneity. There are times in life when you have to say "fuck it" & go with whatever feels right at the time. The fuck it law can be applied, albeit sparingly, to everything except law 3.
Got this one nailed!

In summary I feel that all of the above further vindicates my sudden adventure off to Snowdonia last year. I remember it all so clearly; beautiful spring sunshine, driving round the mountains listening to "Final straw".
Happy days.

Happy St.Georges day for tomorrow to all my countryfolk.

"I could take you to work & show you some of my perks"

Today at work I had a disciplinary meeting.
You may remember I got a final written warning last year after the stupid Sexy Shy Smile skiving incident.
The last few months I've found it very tricky getting up for work & am late about once a fortnight.
I've known this day was coming for some time & one of the reasons I haven't bought my flights to the states yet is because I didn't want to burden my self with a debt to Our Kid that I couldn't pay.
Anyway, I still have a job. They have reset my final warning & are going to be monitoring my timekeeping very closely. I will be doubling my efforts because I cannot afford unemployment, both financially & career-wise.

The meeting was with She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile, our HR manager.
Previous to that I seem to have spent lots of time with female colleagues today.
This as inspired me to give you a rundown of the women I work with.

Sweetie - Sweetie (or Queen Bee as I think I may have called in the early days) started about the same time as me, nearly 11 years ago. We have always been friends over that time. There has never been any romance between us, though there have been a couple of near-misses in the past. She once said to me "You're wonderful but it'd be like kissing my brother"*. She is notable for having had relationships with lots of guys at work. I must point out she's not a slapper. In the last 10 years she has had "things" with at least 8 co-workers including She Who Changed Everything's husband & Namesake (who was utterly & savagely heartbroken by her). She is currently living with Delusions Of Grandeur & they are expecting their first child in September.
Though we are still friends, things are much more distant these days which saddens me a little as we used to be very close.
She also can be very, very nasty when she turns.
She has been the undisputed hottest chick at work until recent times when some competition has arrived.

Loves My Sicknotes - A lovely ageing lady who has been our receptionist since time began.
The glamourous granny type, she's always been very nice to me & I think she's got a little soft spot for the Flashman, borne out by the use of the legendary "If I were 20 years younger..." phrase.

Game Old Bird - This 40-something woman works in my department. She's not bad for her age in the looks department & she's a good laugh. She was the owner of the cleavage from where I fished coins out with my mouth at the xmas party. She reputedly has a vicious streak (hmmm, that rings a bell) & has had a tough life. Very likeable person.

She Of The Lovely Jubblies & Even Lovelier Smile - Early 20's girl who despite being quite large framed is very attractive. She also is a really nice girl, I've never had a bad word to say about her. She still keeps the Valentine's card I sent her 2 years ago pinned to her notice board. I actually really like this woman & would dearly love to get to know her better. She does seem to like me too, but sadly not enough. Pity.

Ball Breaker - High ranking management type who takes no prisoners. That said, she is a cool girl & a lot of fun when she lets her guard down. At a medieval night just before the inception of this blog, we sat next to each other & had a real good laugh. I spent quite a bit of time teasing her about her reputation as a hard woman, she responded by standing up, yanking my head back violently via my hair & silencing my yelp of pain by kissing me with some vigour. It's a fond memory & it became the talk of the factory on Monday back at work.
"Flash, were you & Ball Breaker really getting it on?"
"I can neither confirm or deny that!"
My reputation as a Casanova increased 10 fold overnight.
I know what you're thinking; A Casanova that never lets laid!!!???
That's me - A walking contradiction!

Dutch Girl - A relative newcomer on the scene this mid-20's girl is beautiful. I know little of her as she works in our packaging facility on the other side of town. Only last week though I had to do some one to one training with her. We got on like a house on fire & she's clever & funny as well as being hot. Sadly (for me) she is happily married to a very big man. Bugger.

Odious Woman - Urrgh. Vile, mean, rude 50 something woman. On her 4th marriage, 10 kids by (reputedly) 8 different fathers. Cause of fight on bus back from xmas party of 2003. She constantly interrupts conversations & puts a price tag on literally everything she talks about. Once told plant manager to "Fuck off" in a all employee meeting because he had the nerve to tell her to stop having a conversation on her mobile during meeting. Also starts lots of unfounded rumours about people. Quite simply the most horrible woman I've ever met. I give her a wide berth.

Lil' One - One of the Frisky threesome of new girls who work just across from the lab.
Fun, feisty & in possession of a stonkingly hot little body. Not very subtle or bright but likeable all the same.

FlirtyDirty - Like Lil' One she has all the finesse of mushy peas. Jolly,cheerful & clearly digging your correspondent, she's a lot of fun has a filthy laugh, beautiful eyes & a boyfriend.

Nice, Not Hot - Quietist of the 3. She comes across as very sweet natured & kind. She likes football & fine music (it would seem). Out of the 3 I would be much more likely to find her a stimulating partner but I just don't fancy her. Even if I did she has a boyfriend too.

Mystery girl - Another new one who I know nothing about other than she seems nice & looks nice too.

There's 4 other women who work in the offices, they are all over child-bearing age & all nice. I don't interact with them enough to be able to offer any substantial thoughts on them.

That leaves Buddy With Boobs who you all know well enough.

Those are the women I work with.


Now you didn't think I could get through a whole post without whoring my music again did you?
Today "We both know" is up to No.75 on the alternative other chart & up 99 places to No.537 on the alternative chart which goes into five figures before it stops.
This is really good.
I've since found that the charts are updated daily & only one song is included, hence the non-appearance of "Egg wielding freak".
I want to get higher so feel free to help the cause!

*Women, we men know that this actually means "Eeew, I'd rather kiss a tramp's arse than snog you". You're not fooling anybody & though you are quite clearly trying to spare our feelings our knowledge makes your efforts futile.
Rejection is always rejection, no matter how prettily you dress it.

"All good clean fun, whatever that means!"

Do you ever do things that you know are just plain silly but you go ahead & do it anyway because you want to?

I do.

I've had a very underwhelming few days. I've felt a bit low, no worse than that, just a bit off, y'know? My weekend has been pretty dull, I've thoroughly enjoyed being with The Boy but it's been lacking something.

Before I go into the silly thing, let me tell you something about what it's like to work rotating shifts.
It's shit.
I've been on lates last week, every night doing overtime too, so I've been finishing work at around 2am & getting to sleep about 4am. I try to wake around 11am.
This week I'm on days, meaning I have to get up at 5am to start at 6.
Sunday nights are the worst. I find it incredibly difficult to go to bed at the time I need to & fall asleep. The whole thing just messes up one's body clock.
At around tonight it became clear that this week's transition would be a tricky one.

I was downloading some tunes & watching Channel 4's 100 best albums show. I had to get to the end to see what No.1 was. This already meant going well past acceptable bedtime. So I had an idea. An idea that I tried to talk myself out of but failed. I still had a little bit of wiz knocking about from my birthday.
Notice the use of the past tense.
So, now my silly old brain is buzzing & I'm wide awake. I'm quite happy with this state of affairs to be honest. I'll quite easily get through the night & tomorrow at work, then come tomorrow night I'll be bollocksed, thus guaranteeing getting into the sleep groove for the rest of the week.
Genius! (or dickhead, you decide!)

Anyway justice was done in my eyes with the best albums thingy.
You simply can't knock "Ok computer", can you?

Odd little quirks of fate float my boat. As in last weeks' Buddy With Boobs & "Gravity" thing.
After ingesting the wiz & watching the end of the albums show, I flicked over to see what else was on. I caught the last third of "There's something about Mary" just in time to see the dog on speed bit! Ace!
Oh my god, is there a woman alive (other than Kylie) who is as beautiful as Cameron Diaz?

Then I ran out off fags.
Which is quite simply unacceptable when doing an all nighter. Crapsville closes at 10pm on a Sunday night, so this meant a 20 mile round trip to the services on the M1. It was a nice drive & was soundtracked by the following:
"I predict a riot" / The Kaiser chiefs - Still hooked on it & as such it usually starts my I-pod randomness. I tell thee.
"I'm not scared" / Pet shop boys - A wonderfully melancholy song containing the line that I'm sure we've all related to at some point or other: "If I was you I wouldn't treat me the way you do"
"Songs of love" / The divine comedy - Just plain smashing.
"La la la" / Erasure - Though I used to adore Erasure when I were a young 'un, I find them very difficult to listen to these days. Dated badly unlike the petties. However this old B-side has an almost dark feel to it, saving it from the skip.
(At this point the Manic's "Wattsville blues" didn't escape skippage- got to be in the mood for that awkward bugger!)
Then & here, at long last, is the point...
"Sorted for E's & wiz" / Pulp - Really how likely is that? I have some for the first time in 3 months & within an hour the telly & my pod is noting it!
Spooky!

There was a wonderfully heartwarming moment in the cup semi-final today, not Alan Smith scoring in his own net or anything that heartwarming!
No, during the second half the director cut to a shot of Ant & Dec* with Robbie Williams in the crowd. When they noticed they were on the big screen they reacted in exactly the same way as anyone else does. Pointing & waving like goons. Fantastic!

*For the benefit of overseas readers, Ant & Dec are Britain's favourite light entertainers, they have their own show & present lots of other things. They once had a laughable pop career too & started out as child actors together on a popular kid's tv show.
Everybody loves Ant & Dec & those who don't are just miserable old cudmungeons (or whatever that bloody word is!). There are no good reasons for disliking Ant & Dec. None.

Can you tell I'm wizzing? Hmmm.

Another cheery thing today: "We both know" has crashed into the soundclick "alternative- other" chart at, wait for it...119!
Now that may sound plop but the chart goes up to nearly 900 & it's only been up there for a day. It's like the (don't quote me on this!) 4th or 5th highest new entry!
I'm assuming that I owe my "lofty" position to some of you lovely people clicking on the link in the last post. Cheers!
Just in case anyone missed that (yeah, right. Like anyone misses one of MY posts) here it is again. I'm aiming for the top 50!
Stompp? I can't seem to tell how many peeps have listened. Any tips? Couldn't find out from the FAQ.

So the theory is now that I'm gonna leave this open all night & just type away with whatever nonsense comes into my head. Aren't you all thrilled.

I'm currently listening to "Kings of the wild frontier". Ah, sweet memories.
One of the many names I had to endure as a kid was "Adam Ant freak". He was my first hero.
I used to go round town on a Saturday afternoon with shoe whitener across my nose & teatowels tied to my belt straps. And at the junior disco I was a sight to be seen! No one pulled off the Prince charming like the young Flash!
Daft bugger!
It was probably the first sign of my obsessional personality.

Well, 3 hours in & all the tell tale signs abound. Eyes wide open, teeth gnashing, no appetite & a shrunken nob (it looks like a regular one now! Hehehe).

Oh by the way, Buddy With Boobs & I managed to have a little talk, the upshot of which is that last week's events were a drunken one-off. Which is just fine with me though I do wish more had come of it at the time. Bloody decorators!

Now Reckless & Dream Girl are bright, intelligent people but I always seem to argue over issues with science with them. Tonight I was on the phone to them trying to help Reckless sort out something on his computer. They were also watching the 100 best albums thingy & I noticed that there TV was about a second & a half behind mine. I figured that this was most likely because my signal comes directly to my aerial whereas theirs comes from a satellite meaning it has to go into space & back. A fair deduction, wouldn't you say?
Oh no, it's all to do with the speed of sound according to them. Something to do with my phone being closer to my telly than theirs is. Am I mad (don't answer that!) or is it them?

Blimey, it doesn't half drive me bonkers when the bloody spellchecker tells me I've spelt favourite wrong.
No, I haven't, you bloody have, you retarded computer program!

Well, my head is still buzzing but I'm struggling for things to write about now so I think I'll have an hour or so on the old box of X before I trudge off to work.
Cheerio!

PS. I'd thought I'd written loads, bloody wiz!

"Rain down, rain down..."

Well, I'm feeling pretty shit about things at the moment.
No real reason, no real cause.
Just a bit fed up.

So, in the interests of posting something I present, inspired by Lord Bargain, my top 20 Singles of that wonderful year, 1997.

20- Mikayo hideaway / Marion
19- No one speaks / Geneva
18- Stay young / Ultrasound
17- The international language of screaming / Super furry animals
16- Monday morning 5:19 / Rialto
15- 12 reasons why I love her / My life story
14- Karma police / Radiohead
13- U16 girls / Travis
12- Home / Depeche mode
11- Local boy in the photograph / Stereophonics
10- Blinded by the sun / The seahorses
9- Nancy boy / Placebo
8- Love has passed away / The supernaturals
7- A thousand trees / Stereophonics
6- It's no good / Depeche mode
5- The drugs don't work / The verve
4- If... / The bluetones
3- Richard III / Supergrass
2- Song 2 / Blur
1- Paranoid android / Radiohead

So there you go.
Also on a tunes tip, I noticed that out of the 4500+ songs on my i-tunes, only 4 start with the letter Q. Any guesses?

Finally, I've taken Stompp's advice & gotten onto Soundclick. You can now hear "We both know" & "Egg wielding freak" by clicking here.
Those of you who've asked for copies of "Confessions..." following wednesday's whoring - I salute you & thank you.

"These confessions of an idiot are for YOU, my humble little audience, the select few"

Regular readers may now be going "Oh god, here he goes again with his pissing album, I thought that would all stop once it'd been released".
No?

Anyway before I get to that, here's some randomness.

Well bloody done to Liverpool! I'm sure that Dukio Jokio (or whatever he's calling himself at the mo) will be choking on his Jim Bean at this, but when it comes to European football I'm a firm believer in getting behind our teams. The real beauty of the situation is that if they lose you don't care & can enjoy laughing at their supporters the next day at work.

Is it just me? I've delayed writing this post because the last one was attracting a steady stream of comments & I fear that once one posts again it's like closing the previous post. Am I mad?

The lovely Gladys linked to this blog claiming that it made her nearly pee herself.
It's a great blog & the work of a very funny man. I strongly advise that you check it out.

So, back to "Confessions..."
For the benefit of any new types (Hello! Make yourself at home!) I recently recorded an album of original songs that I'm very proud of.
Today I received the first proper review of said album. The reviewer wishes to remain anonymous which I respect. It is 100% genuine though & I have had no part in it whatsoever.
Here it is....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confessions of an idiot - Gnu Cnu
The first outing by the mysterious Gnu Cnu will not fail to delight. Whilst you can't deny the electro 80's feel to this album, the lyrics, production & heartfelt emotion in the likes of "The truth about you" & "Upon the scales" ensure that there is more than a little bit of something for everyone.

I defy anyone to listen to "Egg wielding freak" & not find themselves singing along to the clever lyrics at every opportunity. A brilliant use of words & melody. Perhaps one of the most uplifting songs on the album, it's diversity ensures that you can relate to this song on every level, but have you worked out what cult classic this song is about? Watch out for the sample at the end of the song - answers on a postcard please!

Perhaps the least commercial song on this album, "Nothing's changed" is perhaps one of the cleverest. You cannot fail to notice the obvious influence of the likes of Depeche Mode & Nine Inch Nails in this track but for me this song stands alone. An uncut diamond in a sea already full of pearls. With this fantastic use of sound & vocals you are drawn into the dark abyss of Mr. Flash's despair.

The only real criticism I have on this album is "Hate farm". One of my favourite songs, a protest that reeks of truth & many people's sad but all too common view on the issues that surround us today, which sadly, in this case, misses the mighty guitar. Still I think it will appeal to a wide audience & I just hope that one day it is released with the anger, hatred & sadness it deserves.

The end of the road can only take you to the title track. An insight into the man behind the music, a musical masterpiece whose momentum builds throughout. You can only be left with a hatred for the controlling ex-wife without whom we may of course been celebrating ten years of Gnu Cnu or the such like.

The only question now to be asked is "Please sir, can I have some more?"

Star rating *****

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How chuffed with that am I?

As if that wasn't enough, allow me to share with you some genuine quotes from some of the other listeners.

""Hate farm" is a proper little anthem"

"This is awesome"

"Funky with a capital F"

"I've just heard a No.1 song called "Confessions of an idiot""

""Egg wielding freak" is a fucking classic tune!"

"He's pulled it off, the twat!"

"A really good album, particularly the title track"

"Very talented & very good"

"Beautifully heartfelt"

"Better than most of the crap on the radio" and finally my favourite...

""Confessions of an idiot" is fucking ace"

Ok, get the picture.
Having read all that, I can now only come up with the following excuses for not e-mailing me to demand your free copy (for those of you who haven't yet, those of you who have I thank from the very bottom of my heart).

I am deaf.

I don't like you so therefore I don't want to hear your music.

I suspect that this is all an elaborate ruse in which having gained lots of addresses, you plan to burgle our houses whilst we're on holiday.

Knowing that you are financially inept, I cannot bring myself to allow you to spend your easily earned money on the postage & packing.

X has a copy & told me it's crap but they didn't know how to tell you.

Forgive me for I know this will all be coming across as a giant ego trip.
It is in part but to be serious for a moment; I have put my soul into this album & I am very proud of it. History is littered with thousands of "artists" that have made much worse music than I have. They, in return receive fame, adulation, respect, countless groupies, free drugs & shitloads of money. I am not gonna get any of that so I think a little ego-pandering isn't too much to ask.

Finally, if any of you that have listened would like to help me attract more listeners, please, please, please do your bit in the comments section. The same applies if for some inexplicable reason you'd like to burst my already highly inflated bubble.

Right, I promise that this will be the last post about "Confessions of an idiot" (Which is available free of charge my e-mailing me!) ever!*



*I'm probably lying.

"If I ask you difficult questions..."

As often is the case, this post has been inspired by my beloved pod.
"A design for life" by Manic street preachers came on earlier. Chuffing marvelous song & the first time I'd ever paid any attention to the Manics despite the fact they had been on the scene for a good 4 or 5 years.
The reason for this is where I'm going today...

Silly little prejudices.

I didn't like the Manics & willfully ignored their presence on my musical radar for the following reasons:
I did not like the name,
I did not like the way they looked,
I had read a quote or soundbite from Nicky Wire & decided they were twats.

I hadn't however listened to any of their music (though I had heard "Motorcycle emptiness" which I begrudgingly labeled as alright).
Still I stood by my judgement until "A design for life" made me re-evaluate my "wisdom", a process that centered upon giving myself several slaps round the head.
Incidentally, "The holy bible" is now one of my fave albums ever.

It's not only been music where I've allowed SLPs to get in the way of an enriching experience.

Let's try films. Rewind to about 1990 & earwig in on this conversation between a colleague & I:
Colleague: Have you ever seen Die Hard?
Flash: No. I don't like those stupid shoot 'em up, violent films. They are all crap.
C: Are you for real? Die Hard is fantastic. So are...(several other action films of the time)
Flash: I don't like them & I don't understand how people do with all that shooting, fighting & loss of life.
Wasn't I just precious??

Anyway, a year or two later I found myself grudgingly (notice a theme here?) sitting in front of Die Hard 2 with Funny Dance. Of course, it rocked my world. What fabulous entertainment! A day or two later I watched the first one which, as we all know, is infinitely better than it's sequel.
Die Hard is now my favourite ever film that doesn't contain any spaceships.

It doesn't stop there. When I was just 16 or 17 I found myself in the company of a girl. As kids of that age do, we ended up getting a bit rude. As I was removing her lower undergarments she gushed to me with all the romance a young buck needs: "You can do anything you want to me, just don't make me pregnant".
Green light!
However I got stuck on amber.
When confronted by the bright orange thatch of pubic hair I found myself suddenly not really wanting to go any further. So I didn't.
Daft twat.
Unlike the Manics or Die Hard, I've never had the opportunity to right that particular wrong.

So I'm intrigued to know am I the only feckless idiot to be swayed by Silly Little Prejudices or do any of you guys suffer the same affliction?

Do tell.

"Honey, it's been a long time coming"

Not much to report really today.
Buddy With Boobs & I haven't been alone all day so we haven't had chance to discuss the events of Saturday. She's gone home now but I'm working till 2am.

The reason I'm posting though is that I missed a little titbit about Saturday that I feel is worth sharing. I was reminded when I heard a song on the radio earlier.
Our whole evening was soundtracked on Saturday by my beloved pod on shuffle.
As we broke from our first kiss, Buddy With Boobs pointed out what was playing...
Embrace's "Gravity" -
"Baby, it's been a long time waiting, such a long long time/ And I can't stop smiling, No I can't stop now"
We smiled fucking great big smiles & got back to it.

I love it when that sort of shit happens.


***********UPDATE***********
So It's the next day, I'm in the lab doing my zinc & nickel tests with my pod on random.
"Gravity" comes on again (1 song out of 4519), as the above lines are being sung who should walk in?
Got it in one!
You couldn't make it up!
(And I didn't for any cynics out there)

"How was it for you?, how was it for you?"

...and if all that wasn't enough!
I'm having a threesome with my girls.
Yup, just me & 2 beautiful younger women.
If I don't blog again, it's because I've died & gone to heaven!

"Johnny, don't point that gun at me"

First up a great big
thankyou
to you all for your warm, encouraging comments. It means a lot & I send out big hugs/firm handshakes to all of you.

Secondly, my apologies are offered for my recent absence from your screens. The last few days have been a bit hectic. Allow me to enlighten you.

On Thursday I went over to Northampton to buy a new Flashmobile. The old Flashmobile had rendered itself financially unviable. So a replacement was sought out & purchased. A dark blue G reg Ford Fiesta 1.1L. It's a tidy little motor & so far it's run nicely but it has no bollocks. No oomph at all. Bugger.
After getting the car I popped in on Reckless & Dream Girl for a cuppa, Reckless rolled me a nice fat one to have when I got home.
I smoked it while typing out what became a rather funny stoned post about the new car & it's predecessors. At the end it was almost incoherent as I was utterly cabbaged, but I managed to finish it.
Then Blogger promptly ate it for it's supper & I defeatedly crashed to my Bed.

Friday was again spent in the company of Reckless & Dream Girl, this time with vodka filling our vessels instead of coffee or tea.
Truth be known, I got myself into a bit of a grumpy mood & it wasn't so much fun as usual.
It was my own fault.
I'm currently writing a new song, the first verse & chorus are fully formed & I've been singing it around work all last week.
I wanted to share it with the guys but it just wouldn't come out right. I was getting very frustrated with myself & ended up being really pissed off.
The song is titled (with more than a passing nod to my musical heroes) "White celebration" & I'm hoping it's going to be a cracker.

Spend all day over there on Saturday. I did a bit of babysitting for them for a couple of hours & the rest of the time Reckless & I were equipping the new flashmobile with some speakers.
Sounds cool now, I tell thee. ("I predict a riot" being the test song).

The Boy & I got home about 6ish on Saturday & we had a play on the X-box for a couple of hours, which was nice. As I was putting him to bed I got a text from Buddy With Boobs asking if I was in. I told her yes & she was welcome to come round.
She arrived a little while later armed with Vodka & cranberry juice. I also was in possession of another of Reckless' special ciggies so it wasn't long before we were a bit squiffy.
Turns out Fuckwithusband had pissed her off big time, they had rowed & she came over to talk & get things off her chest. We talked for hours, she told me her problems; I gave her my advice.
Buddy With Boobs & I have been friends for 7 years now & throughout that time there has always been a strong undercurrent of feelings between us. We've often talked of what it would be like if we were together & are always talking about sex. I often joke that if she was any kind of friend she wouldn't let me suffer through months & months without sex.
As the night wore on, she started acting differently.
Why do you have to be so perfect? she said. I told her I'm not.
She said she couldn't understand why I was single or why there weren't girls after me all the time. I said neither could I.
She told me how terrible she felt in the wake of "Confessions..." that she'd never paid any attention to that part of me & that she felt stupid for never realising how fantastic I am (musically).
She asked me to play "Second best" to her because she loves that one & she relates to it. I obliged.
She said that throughout the whole 7 years she has always loved me but kept it hidden because of her commitment to her marriage. How it hurt her when I'd confide in her about the women who've come & gone in my life, most noticeably Dream Girl.
Then we kissed.
A lot.
I also helped her get something else of her chest.
It went no further than that & neither of us have the foggiest idea if it will in the future.
It was, for both of us, a lovely night. It was wonderful to be embraced, to be kissed passionately & to be excited! She left about 2am, I didn't want her to go but she had to.
We have agreed on 2 things; We will not let this (or anything else that may or may not happen) spoil our very fine friendship & we are going to have at least one sneaky snog at work on Monday, because we want to!
Everybody at work thinks that we're at it anyway!

Today, I did something that I've always wanted to do but never have.
I shot somebody.
I actually shot several people.
Don't panic, you're not going to be reading "Crapsville man slays 6 in gun rampage" on tomorrow's front pages.
I went paintballing.
It was all in aid of celebrating Small Doses' (Funny Dance's brother) birthday.
It was great fun, there were about 18 in our group & another group of 7. We were split into 2 teams & battle commenced.
It was great fun, we did 6 different games. Capture the flag & all that sort of thing. All dressed up in the camouflage gear, running around the woods, jumping out from behind trees to pick of the enemy with a volley of bullets (well, balls of paint). I got shot many times myself & think I got lucky because none of them really hurt. I'd been told that it stung like fuck!
Like I said though it really was great, great fun & I'm sure it won't be the last time I do it.
I have got a bruise on my back & a twisted ankle.
I'm also extremely knackered & foresee a long soak in the bath, an hour or two wasting some sith's on the x-box, match of the day 2 & bed.

It's been mad but it's been good.

"Mother are you anxious?, father are you gracious?"

Do you know what time you were born? Or how much you weighed?
I would imagine you do.
I never did until yesterday.
I had my meeting at Northants social services with a lovely old dear. It was an illuminating, fascinating & overwhelming experience.
Prior to yesterday the only knowledge I had of my birth & my birth parents was what was on my original birth certificate. Which really isn't a lot.
I had always speculated as to why I was put up for adoption & though I still don't know for sure, I have a much better idea now & I can also rule out a lot of the theories that I held.

So I found out yesterday that...
I was born at 3.45pm
I weighed 7lbs 12oz
My mother (whose name I've always known) was 28 years old at the time (making her 63 now)
She was 5ft tall with brown hair & grey eyes (Guess who else has brown hair & grey eyes!)
She was born in Ireland, being 1 of 6 children
Her hobbies were knitting, sewing, dancing & swimming.
She was a hairdresser & married at 18.
At the time of her pregnancy with me she was separated from her husband who was NOT my father.
Her parents & family were not aware of the pregnancy.
She made the decision to have her baby adopted to give me 2 parents & a settled home life.
My birth mother & her husband had 4 children at the time of my birth, a girl of 6 & boys of 8,5 & 18 months. So there's 4 sibelings.

My father is described as the putative father (which means "generally regarded as such").
He was 25 at the time, married but separated from his wife with whom he had 2 children, so there's another 2 sibelings.
he was 5ft 6in tall, medium build with fair hair & blue eyes.
As paternity was not legally established, no further information can be given out about the putative father (including his name).

The only bit that seems quite strange to me is that in 1970, after I was born & given up, my birth mother was known to have moved to Bradford where she was co-habiting with my "putative" father & 2 of her children.

So while that not mean much to anybody reading it, this information has been a revelation to me. It's incredible to think that I've gained at least (who knows what's happened since 1970) 6 sibelings overnight.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next &, as yet, I'm really not sure how to articulate how I feel about this. As I said at the start, it's all very overwhelming.