END OF MONTH REPORT

May rocked! I am still a very happy chappy & i can only see things getting better. Come on!

"Always look on the bright side of life" (add your own whistles!)

Life is strange isn’t it? I just had sex tonight (twice), it’s been great. Yet there is still a gaping chasm within me that just can’t be filled. Still, beats having that hole & no sex, eh?

"Were gonna miss you when you're gone (sob)"

I don’t half write some shite when I’m drunk, eh? Yesterday was a cool day. I had another shag (Yay!) but the evening was simply divine. Reckless, Dream Girl & myself laughed so much! Of course there was also “Friends”, oh it was a great end to a marvellous 10 years. I proper cried, bawling my eyes out like a girl. I can honestly say I’ve never been so moved by a TV show. Ross & Rachel got back together, bless ‘em! Inside somewhere it all became a metaphor for a dream that I know will never come true. My Rachel will never come to me.
Big Brother on first impression is full of norberts!

"...just a bunch of gibberish"

Talk more tomorrow but now I know how sweet pain can be; I think (I’m probably as insane as I’m drunk) I have maybe for a few precious minutes taken the upper hand in this whole malarkey.

"Whose mobile phone gives him the bone"

It’s a whole new kind of sexual frustration that I’m suffering with now! Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & I are both gagging for a repeat of the other day but her mum’s always too close for comfort. Man, we had some serious text sex last night! If we do half of what we spoke of then we are assured an awesome time. We may have a small window of opportunity this afternoon, I do hope so…I’m as horny as hell. The beast within as been awakened! (I hope your laughing as much as I am!).
Tonight The Boy & I are off to Northampton to stay with the guys. It’s the final episode of “Friends” & the first of this year’s Big Brother. Plenty to drink & plenty to smoke should make it a cracking night. From then on the weekend is kind of fuzzy. We may go up to Wakefield to see the folks but I’m not sure yet, time will tell. Right now it’s time for some sleep & the gazillionth listen to Keane’s “Hopes & fears”. It’s a fine album, it really is.

"Alright...C'mon! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!"

Yay! Yay! Yay! Fucking Yay! Today I had sex. Yay! For the first time in 13 long months I had sex & it was great. It was with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & to be honest after Saturday I thought it was on the cards. I’d actually forgotten how blissful the afterglow is, how sweet that cigarette tastes. After the cuddles & stuff I went back to my room to get dressed. Once the door was firmly shut I silently exhaulted to myself. I imagine I must have looked like Stuart “psycho” Pearce after he scored that penalty in euro 96! Then I needed a tune. “Let’s build a home” by The White Stripes (Listen to it & you’ll understand) was my choice & it was perfect. I am considering writing to my MP to see if it can be made law that all sexually active women have their tongues pierced. I only experienced being given head by a girl with one for the 2nd time today. OH MY GOD! It’s all the joy of a regular BJ but with an occasional feeling of… I don’t know, it’s like being electrocuted! So much pleasure that it feels like pain. Anyway subsequently I have been uplifted. As well as the physical sensations & joys I also feel like a huge millstone has been lifted from my neck. I am no longer a bloke who hasn’t had sex for over a year. No more psychological damage can be caused by that statistic because today it became a thing of the past. Yay!
Although nothing else seems to matter right now, I have to tell you about “friends” I watched the pen-ultimate episode yesterday. God I laughed. At one point I was simultaneously laughing & crying. I am SO gonna miss those guys.

"I know what I'm here for"

Phew! That was a mad weekend. Friday was cool, nothing of any great note happened yet it was a good night. I only found out last night though that I pissed off Buddy With Boobs big style. Apparently in my drunken state I had told Major T about the whole photo-of-breast incident from back in January. She told me last night that she was very angry with me. At first I was really sad that I’d let her down & subsequently gave her a full genuine apology, she still sulked with me all night. Now though, I can’t help thinking that it’s not a big deal really is it? I also think that I’ve put a lot of time in lately, making sure I’m there for her. I think I’ve been a rock for her of late, I’ve listened to all her woes & I given her support & advice (as any good friend would). I think she could’ve taken that into account before lashing out at me. Anyway I went home about midnight so I wouldn’t be late for work on Saturday.
Work was great. I love doing my training. I was at Desford with a group of 14 & it was really cool. I was on top form & we had a lot of fun while still achieving all that we had to. From there I had a lovely tune assisted drive back to Crapsville. I arrived at Funny Dance’s at 2 & we headed straight up town to watch the cup final (Manchester united beat Millwall). It turned out to be a great day, I obviously got steaming drunk but as often the case with all day drinking by around 8ish I’d reached that blissful state where no matter how much more you drink, you stay at the same level of drunkenness. The whole day was spent with a posse of guys who I know but rarely hang with (other than Funny Dance obviously, who left about 7) & it turned out to be a very bloky day. I had been wearing trainers all day having not anticipated going clubbing. However, last orders were called so now the club was the only option. On the recommendation of a girl who was dishing out flyers I put my black socks over my trainers. My god it so nearly worked! I got past 2 bouncers & the 3rd & final one only got me at the last second. Fair cop, guv. I really didn’t mind as I’d had a wonderful day full of fun & laughter. So I happily got myself a burger & walked back to the Bronx & that was the end of Saturday…or so I thought. As I got upstairs Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth’s door was open & she said hello. Her friends’ 2 kids were there too. She said they were just about to watch a film: The Ring & did I want to join them? Now as Reckless & Dream Girl had bigged this movie up to me in the past I thought why not? So I sat next to Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth on the bed & started watching. It wasn’t long until it was decided that it was too scary for the kids (which was bloody obvious anyway!) so she then put on “heartbreakers”, a bloody awful film which was only redeemed by Jennifer Love Hewitt looking hotter than the sun throughout it. Anyway the kids fell asleep & slowly Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & I got closer to each other, the “accidental” touches became more frequent & before long we were kissing, this was followed by some mild fumbling about. Obviously due to the presence of the kids this was as far as it went. I finally got into my own bed at 04:00. To be honest the whole thing with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth took me totally by surprise. I suspect that wont be the last time either. Though I will have to tell her clearly that I’m not in the market for a girlfriend.
Sunday came along all too quickly & it was time for Smiler’s christening. The whole thing was lovely. I’ve always got on very well with Funny Dance’s family so it was nice to see them. Reckless & Dream Girl came over with their brood & it was cool to see everybody together. It was also nice to see that It’s A London Thing didn’t seem to be holding any grudges, not that he’d have any right to! It was much more comfortable than anticipated, so that was cool. After 2 or 3 hours, The Boy & I followed the guys over to Northampton. We had a lovely few hours over there just hanging out in their lovely garden. Dream Girl actually showed some sparkles of what is never said & even confessed to feeling pangs of jealousy at my recent dalliances with girls, she did also say that she was genuinely happy for me & that she was pleased to see me with a spring in my step. She also told me that she always tells the truth when she’s drunk. She was drunk. So again, with no intent on her part I’m sure, the cruel hand that fate has dealt me is brought to the forefront of my mind. I may’ve actually come to the conclusion that the pursuit of sex will be fun but the pursuit of love is a waste of time for my heart belongs to Dream Girl & I suspect it always will.
None of this made me unhappy though & we all had a thoroughly nice afternoon. The Boy had a lovely time too; he & Cutieboy are just like a mini-me & a mini-Reckless. If they forge a friendship as strong & as durable as that of their fathers then they won’t go far wrong.
On the way home we ran out of petrol (Doh!) & Temper Tantrum had to come & rescue us, which she did with good grace. I got home with just enough time to have a quick shower & a little flirt with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth before I had to go to work, I was dead on my feet. Still, during work I wrote a song. I’ve not picked a title for it yet but I think it’s a good un’!
I bought 3 (yes 3!) brand new albums on Friday. Ash, Keane & Morrissey. All sound good but Keane are leading by a nose at this early stage.
Today my audition date arrived for my great leap into the cheesy world of TV talent shows. The X factor is the brainchild of Simon Cowell & is basically pop idol with no upper age limit. So on Monday 7th June I shall drag my arse down to London again, prepared for rejection having learned my lesson from Big Brother. I am totally prepared to have nothing come of it. That said, I do have a genuine talent as a singer so who knows? I have to sing a verse & a chorus a capella. I really don’t know what I’ll sing yet but I have some ideas.
Blimey, it’s all go y’know! I haven’t even told you about my flat yet! Temper Tantrum texted me on Friday & said that her sources had told her that someone had done a moonlight flit from one of the flats in my building. Armed with this info, I phoned the housing association & said flat should be mine in 3 weeks at the most.

"So little time..."

Hello! Just a quick word to say I may have to neglect you over the weekend in the interests of time. Here’s the plan: Now- Beer, pub, girls. Tomorrow- work in the morning (Training at Desford) then cup final in the pub, which traditionally means drinking until collapse & on Sunday- Smiler’s christening, The Boy time & then back to work. Bring it on!

"I wish for a choir of angels"

I’m feeling very introspective. I’m having one of those moments where loads of different thoughts & ideas are flashing through my head, like cars on a motorway; you can only focus on each one for an instant until you have to turn your attention to the next & so on.
I’ve been out in the yard in the darkness singing to the stars, facing east as always & I had a little blast of Easyworld. Each song overtaking me & then me overtaking it. Each one becoming my song, my thoughts, my emotions. I’ve said before no one has impacted their lyrics onto my heart like Mr. Ford has, we really must have had some similar experiences.
Started with “Saddest song”- felt every word, then “Bleach”. “Bleach” was the first song I ever heard by Easyworld, tonight I seemed to really feel it not just get it- “make me feel I’m alive”. Then “A stain to never fade”, “Drive” & “Goodnight” were simply fantastic, a short turbulent trip through the parts of my heart that only I know.
I have never found any more potent way of expressing my emotions than with song. I’ve had some wonderfully spiritual moments here & there in my life where I have been able to perform a song to the person it was written for. It’s the purest form of communication I’ve ever shared with the exception of the odd bout of proper love-fuelled emotionally charged lovemaking. Unless I’m unluckier than I already suspect, that kind of lovemaking doesn’t happen all that often, even in the strongest long-term relationship.Hey ‘ark at me waffle on!

"The TV's on & i'm just sitting around"

I’m at a bit of a loose end. I usually sleep all day on Mondays when I’m on nights but I had a kip yesterday & work finished early so I was in bed by 03:30 this morning. Subsequently I got up at midday & now I’m a bit lost. I spent all my money over the weekend so I cant go shopping or to the pub. All my stuff for projects is all in storage. So what shall I do? Work isn’t till 10. I’m just going to conduct a little experiment, back in a mo…..
Ok, done. Between January 3rd (when I started this journal) & April 21st (When I set off for Wales) there are 5 “Yay”s written in that timeframe. Since April 21st's grand decision to go off & find my own cure for depression there have been 9 “Yay”s in less than a month. If anyone has any doubts about how important that trip was for my sanity surely the statistical analysis of the Yay factor must dispel them all. Point is I’m a happy bunny & so it shall remain. Yay!

"...lives in a house, a very big house"

Went over to Reckless & Dream Girl’s new place on Saturday & it’s lovely. It has a beautiful huge garden. I got the impression that Dream Girl had really missed me. I have missed them all, particularly Dream Girl but if I’m honest it hasn’t crippled me like I thought it would. The whole weekend went so fast & it’s been really, really good. Yay!

"I've always liked fridays.."

Was I on fire last night or what? It started as a fairly routine night out. I was looking good (for me), new haircut, best clothes ironed. Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & her friends all said I was looking fine before I went out. After a few beers in pub No.1 & a rather uncomfortable blast from the past in the form of She Who Changed Everything, we (that’s Buddy With Boobs, Namesake, Major T, myself & a couple of Namesake’s mates) went to pub No.2 & then No. 3. Here I met up with Funny Dance. I then started talking to some girls, one of which seemed quite keen. I said I’d see her in the club. Later in the club while I was searching for her I got chatting to another girl, whose name I don’t think I ever got. I’m not sure what was said between us but I do remember her saying we could “go up an alleyway”, oh yes! So it was agreed but then at the last minute her mate put the kibosh on that & off she went without me, never mind. So then I went back in & had a chops with various people then I ran into the girl from earlier whom I shall call Impressive Cleavage. After some dancing & getting to know her a bit better (wink!) it was decided that I would walk her home. We said our goodbyes to our respective friends & walked out into the night. We soon discovered that we had nowhere to go so we hung out on the basketball court near her house just outside town. That’s when things started really hotting up. There was a hell of a lot of kissing, which was wonderful. Then it was established that “the decorators were in” so we wouldn’t be having sex. She had beautiful full & firm breasts which I lavished attention on & without going into too much detail I used my finely honed skills as a loverman (tongue in cheek) & took her to heaven several times & she returned the favour in my favourite way. We then kissed, talked & kissed until sunrise. It was great. Eventually I did walk her home then I kinda skipped back to the Bronx feeling very pleased with myself. Very pleased indeed.

"...I got a reply it said you sound like a real sweet guy"

So out of 20 girls I sent messages to I had 2 favourites. One of those has replied, Yay!Becky is 23 & lives in Loughborough. She appealed because she loves her tunes, does a bit of writing & sings in a band. She looks pretty too. Haven’t been able to do much about though ‘cos the fuckers at work have slapped “access denied” on that site. Bastards!!

"Aerial held high..."

Ah, life in the 21st century…I have just watched “friends” (which you must know by now is SO my favourite program ever!). I spent the entire episode standing up holding the poxy aerial above my head. Now my arm hurts.

"I was looking through the classifieds.."

Although my job leaves me unfulfilled & it’s not what I want to be doing with my life, where else would I be able to spend half of my ten hour shift sending messages to lovely ladies on the internet? I’ve sent out 20 messages to 20 girls. 2 in particular I really like- Becky P in Loughborough & Smiler2U in Birmingham. Ironically the other 18 are not so far away. So lets hope the replies come flooding in.

"Ooh ooh ooh ooh can you feel the force?"

What’s new? Well I’ve joined another dating service & in less than 24 hours I’ve had 3 messages already! Can’t read them yet because you have to pay for that, but I’m working on it.
I’m really missing the guys over in Northampton but I have to confess that being in Crapsville makes life a lot easier.
I haven’t been stoned for days & Reckless & Dream Girl’s theory that dope suppresses dreaming may hold water. This morning I had my 2nd really vivid dream in 3 days. As always most of it is forgotten now, I do remember a trip to London via Bristol (!) with loads of friends & I also remember being fellated in an alcove next to a restaurant by either Jordan or Jodie Marsh (neither of whom I particularly fancy). I remember a lot more actually which I did chronicle in the diary but I don’t think the world needs the gory details of my dirty little mind nor do I have any desire to write porn.
Enjoyed a lovely couple of hours with The Boy this afternoon. We did a couple of paintings, played Thomas the tank engine frustration (which oddly enough he found very frustrating) & of course we had the obligatory lightsaber battle. If there really was such a thing as The Force & Jedis then I fear the dark side would consume my son. Put a lightsaber in his hand & he becomes a ruthless, snarling fighting machine! I’ve only just realised but perhaps his Star Wars obsession was fated. He was born on 16th July 1999, the very same day that episode 1- The Phantom Menace opened in UK cinemas. I wanted to call him Obi Wan to mark the occasion but Temper Tantrum vetoed it, which let’s be honest he’ll probably thank her for.

"I like noise 'cos I like waking up the house"

Nothing to report really but I’m very aware that there are a couple of things from pre-Snowdonia that I never told you about. Can’t remember the date but it was FA cup semi-final weekend. The Boy & I went up to Yorkshire for the weekend. I went out on the Saturday night with The Duke Of Jokes & Gentle Giant, my old school friends. Despite all day drinking induced sickness, I had a great time. Funny that even with a void of over 10 years with no contact we all still get on really well, I look forward to my next visit.
On the Monday before I went to Wales Reckless & I went to see Duran Duran at the NEC in Birmingham. It was blinding! Our seats were about 4 miles away from the stage but we didn’t care for we never sat in them. Just before they came on we were having a fag prior to taking our seats when this bloke gave these 2 women special wristbands & told them to go up to the stage. Reckless went over to said bloke & duly acquired wristbands for us too, top man. We legged it down the side of the arena right to the side of the stage where we were admitted to an exclusive little platform with only about 20 people on it, right at the side of the stage!!! In an arena the size of a small town we were only feet away from the band. Fan-fucking-tastic! They gave a thrilling performance, absolutely top class. “Careless memories” being the highlight for both Reckless & myself. During “Save a prayer” we witnessed a spectacle of beauty that was very much a 21st century event. Instead of waving lighters, the crowd held their mobile phones aloft; from our vantage point it really was a wondrous sight, like 20000 stars dancing in the night sky. Suffice to say we had a great night.
Also should point out that I’ve had no contact with Rainbow Girl since I drove away from Braintree 2 & a half weeks ago. I think I’ll leave it that way, as much as I like her I can’t see anything coming from it for either of us. So maybe the whole thing is best being filed as an entertaining adventure.

"More than all of this, when i go back to the place i live i'm gonna miss coming home"

I cried as I drove away on Saturday. My little car, full of stuff following Funny Dance’s bus thingy out of “memory lane” for the last time, may have even shed a tear. I had a hug with everyone & had a walk to the shop with Reckless before going. That was nice, gave us a chance just to be mates having a natter. So what happened next? Funny Dance bought me a KFC on the way over to Crapsville, bless him. Then we arrived at the area of Crapsville known locally as “the Bronx”, where I have found lodgings. I’m in a room in the home of Wears Pyjamas All Day & her 28-year old daughter Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth. They’ve been very nice & welcoming but it still feels odd. It’s not a home y’know? Still that’s where I am for now.
The state of play is that I’m homeless as far as the housing association are concerned, so I’m top of their list with maximum points. The upshot of that is when anyone leaves one of their very nice flats in town it becomes mine. Mine! It will be my home, where I do what I want when I want. I am itching to get in though for now I’ll have to make do with this room. Which is ok, for now.
On Saturday night I babysat for Smiler, Funny dance & They Used To Be Even Bigger’s baby daughter. More to the point I tried. Buddy With Boobs came to join me too as she’s getting really sad on her own. Sadly, little Smiler hadn’t read the script & within 10 minutes of Mum & Dad going she started screaming & didn’t stop no matter what we tried until with heavy heart I had to ring Funny Dance who with They Used To Be Even Bigger (obviously!) came home.
I then went down to Buddy With Boobs’ & got drunk with her till the early hours. We talked & laughed a lot. Strange bloody relationship we have, she & I are each other’s special friends. Though I’d quite like us to be friends who shag each other, we both know that it could lead to a relationship neither of us really wants.
Sunday I got up about half past 10 & just festered in my room for a bit before going to see The Boy. We went to the canal & watched the boats going up & down the locks. It was a lovely couple of hours. Then we went to Funny Dance’s where we spent the rest of the day. I downloaded some new tunes with mixed success. I thought I’d got most of the Ash & Keane albums but when I played them back later they had been garbled to stop people like me nicking them, I suppose. (Feel the need to point out that while I may occasionally download albums prior to release- I ALWAYS buy the damn thing when it comes out, ok music piracy types who may just be reading?). I did get a few bits I wanted though including a sensational cover of Beyonce’s “Crazy in love” by my new darlings: Snow Patrol. I have been for some weeks now addicted to their “Final straw” album. It’s sheer class & without doubt my favourite album of 2004 so far (Apologies to Franz Ferdinand).
Then last night I went to work, twas great to be back on nights with lots of mates, a lighter workload & tunes as I work. Ace.
Then this morning at about 08:30 I was woken by the phone. It was Dream Girl. Anyone else would’ve got a right gobfull for waking me, but not her. I was delighted. Sadly her fucking pathetic ex-husband had turned up yesterday to see the kids. First contact he’d made in over a year, wanker. So she was upset & I comforted her. She then said it was horrible at home without me there, I felt my weary battered heart glow for a moment, and it made me feel very nice.
Then I had a very bizarre dream involving me as “DS Flash” on the bill trying to get Billy Mitchell bang to rights. It was mad, there was even a matrix style fight on a dodgy London train station! Best dream I’ve had in ages & no women involved.
Now I’m just whiling away the hours till work time but I guess I’m reasonably happy.

"Confusion that never stops"

I’m moving out today. In a couple of hours I’ll be leaving this house for the last time. I’ll tell all the details later but right now I’m so very sad. I’ve been on the edge of tears all morning. Maybe this was the last time that Dream Girl & I will spend some quality time, just the two of us. I still love her more than I’ve ever loved anybody, and in an hour or two I have to leave her. I should also point out that I’m gutted about leaving Reckless & the kids too, really gutted, but is always the case with Dream Girl my heart is breaking.

"Days of enjoyment to which everyone cheers"

As much as I’m trying to remain cheery & upbeat since Wales I cannot sit through syrupy bollocks like “Pearl harbour”, all those people all in love & snogging & shagging…. I don’t need a reminder of what I’m missing.Poor old Buddy With Boobs is having a hard time. She’s left FuckwitHusband but still has to live with him & it’s hard for her. I wish I could send her a hug.

"Going down, down, down..."

Well that’s it. Leeds have just lost 4-1 at Bolton & that means they’ve been relegated. Oh woe is me!

"...When i go to sleep can't tell you the hell i'm going through 'cos i know he's making love to you girl & i love you too"

It’s been my last Saturday night here at “memory lane” with the guys & it’s been fucking beautiful; full of joy, laughter & love. I gave them the gift of song with a great performance of “Coming home” a song penned especially for the occasion.
I’m now very drunk & blissfully happy but also secretly very sad. I know that when I try to sleep I will have to strongly enforce the unspeakable law. Night.

END OF MONTH REPORT

April, I hope will be remembered as when I took my life by the scruff of the neck & started a new era.