END OF MONTH REPORT

Fair play to June, can't knock it. Everything seems to be getting better & better.
C'mon July, are you up for it?

"Take me to The Church"

London baby was great as always & a mighty fine time was had. Saturday started with the full posse of 12 converging on the station to get the train. The full 12 were: Me, Funny Dance, It’s A London Thing (a London native who introduced me to the wonders of a weekend “in town” some 4 or 5 years back), Namesake, In The Same Boat (Funny Dance’s brother-in-law), Big Laugh Brummie, If The Wife Caught Me Smoking, Sound But Spitty, Fountain Dweller & 50% (all who I’ve come to know since Funny Dance’s Blackpool stag weekender & last year’s London baby- all decent sorts) & finally 2 newcomers Babyface & Older Than Me. The fact that Older Than Me is emigrating to Australia in a couple of weeks became the unofficial “reason” for the whole shebang.
After dropping the bags at the hotel the drinking began. Couple of pints & an all day breakfast, great start. Then we all went down to Clapham; an old haunt of It’s A London Thing. As we had our first pint down there Funny Dance suggested that we should pop a pill, fine by me! I took mine 10 minutes after him who already was hugging everyone around him & telling me how much he loves me, bless him. He always gets like that & it’s quite endearing. I started to buzz as we moved on to the next pub; we’d only been there a couple of minutes when Wonder Woman arrived! I bounded straight over to her & had my photo taken with her in exchange for a drink. Fair enough I thought until it cost me 4 quid! Much to the amusement of the posse.
And, not wanting to be too much of a bloky arsehole here but surely it’s a pre-requisite for wearing a wonder woman costume to have some sort of bust?
After a few more beers we headed back on the tube to the hotel where we all got changed in readiness for the big night out. Myself, Funny Dance, Namesake & In The Same Boat were sharing a room & we also shared out the wiz so at least us 4 would be up for it! Most of the guys wanted a feed before we hit Soho but Funny Dance, Namesake, 50% & I elected not to & went to the pub instead. Funny Dance & I started chatting to some girls down from Manchester on a hen night. One of them was very nice & I was getting on really well with her. I was reluctant to leave but by now the others were on route to Soho so off we toddled. From then a great time was had by all except poor In The Same Boat. At about 11 the posse split into 2 groups, one bunch going to a strip club & the rest going clubbing. In The Same Boat inexplicably lost both groups & his phone had just run out of charge! So he spent 4 hours wandering around Soho on his own whilst wizzing his tits off! I went clubbing (Going to the same strip club for the 4th year running just didn’t appeal) where many more drinks were consumed & many dances were danced. Maybe drugs give Funny Dance some much needed rhythm because his dancing was uncharacteristically not funny, or maybe the drugs I’d ingested altered my mind that much!
On the way back to the hotel we went past the Astoria (ah so many memories of so many fine gigs, I did my first ever crowdsurf there) as we did Girls Aloud were being driven out of the back (sadly not out of the country). I could only see Sarah in the front as the others were (I assume) in the back behind tinted glass. As they waited to join the main road I tapped on the window next to Sarah & told her she was very hot. She smiled but for some reason that I still haven’t fathomed out, she didn’t ask me back to hers for a shag. Odd. So that was Saturday. Ooh, actually that’s not quite it. Whilst grooving away in the club fuelled by a dubious mix of vodka, cranberry juice, wiz & ecstasy there was a buzz in my pocket as well as my head. Text from Impressive Cleavage! Remember her? She simply put Hello so I replied with the same. She then asked me where I was & I told her I was in London. It would seem she didn’t quite understand that as her next message read & I quote “I’m in the club, come up, I will shag you”. FUCKING TYPICAL!! I could not believe it, believe it or not but I don’t often (i.e. Never) have girls offering sex out of the blue. It felt good to actually be desired by someone but did it have to be while I was 70 miles away in London? Anyway some further texting ensued & it was arranged that we’d meet on Monday. We didn’t & I haven’t heard a peep since, just like last time. Not that I’m bothered, she’ll be back!
Woke about 9 on Sunday, went down for breakfast (which was yummy this year, quite a surprise after last year’s barely edible effort) & sniggered at Funny Dance & his pounding head. The off to The Church. Yay! Pills were swallowed just before going in which was a masterstroke! I just started really rushing just as the tunes started & the tunes were absolutely sublime. First up was Reef’s “Place your hands”. Ace. Not far behind was Jet’s “Are you gonna be my girl?” during which of course I did find a hot girl to sing “now you don’t need no money with a face like that, do ya honey?” to. When “7 nation army” came on my head exploded like I had swallowed a 100 mega-ton bliss grenade! I looked round the place in my chemically fuelled state & soaked up the vibe of this absolutely perfect place, totally life-affirming. After Church we went to the backpacker, which is kinda the law, & continued to be happy, happy, happy! To my utter shock at about 5 o clock Funny Dance comes round to the dancefloor where In The Same Boat & I are grooving away & announces that everyone has had enough & that they’re all going home! Are we coming? Are we fuck! Namesake, In the Same Boat (who was making friends with a girl) & I were staying. So the other 9 went home. I would’ve normally been well annoyed that no one other than Funny Dance came & said goodbye but in my loved up state I really could not give a shit. Bloody lightweights!! Anyway the 3 of us continued to drink, dance, & in In The Same Boat’s case, snog until we had to go for the last train. We stopped in another pub on the way back to the hotel to collect the bags & then had a final drink at Euston station. Train home was a bit of a blur but I do know that over the weekend & particularly those last few hours Namesake, In The Same Boat & myself bonded quite a bit. We’ve said since that we’ll be doing the whole thing again soon with or without the lightweights! Namesake’s mum (god bless her!) picked us up at the station & dropped me right outside the flat. It was a fantastic weekend; I enjoyed every minute from start to finish. And that’s the whole idea.

"It's ok 'cos we're all sorted out for E's & wiz"

Same old story… last night in the company of Reckless & Dream Girl I had to endure the pain of watching England get knocked out of yet another major tournament on penalties. Bastard! This time seemed even worse because we were good enough to win it. I phoned that girl from the other night as arranged & her phone was turned off. I left a message & my number but no reply so I reckon that’s dead in the water. Her loss!
So I never told you about last Friday night did I? I went out with the usual crowd. When Czechmate arrived she totally blanked me, however a little while later she pulled me to one side & demanded to know what I was doing with “that minger” the other week. I told her that I was really pissed off that she’d seen me with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth that night. Within a couple of hours we were getting very close on the dancefloor. Everytime Vodka For Breakfast turned his back my hands were all over her very, very lovely arse. Ah & the eyes. You know that look when you just stare into each others eyes, when you’re just saying to each other “I want you now”. It was also said by our mouths & if we could’ve ditched Vodka For Breakfast we’d have been having a very good time, of that I’m certain. Anyway I managed to slip her my phone number & she assured me she’d text me & we’d meet up before she flew out to the Czech Republic for a month on Tuesday. She didn’t & now she’s gone for a whole month, which is probably a good thing considering Vodka For Breakfast & all that. So when she gets back I don’t think I’ll be pursuing her, though she does possess a mighty fine ass!
Tomorrow sees the annual “London baby!” event & I’m very excited. The drugs have been acquired (3 pills each for me & Funny Dance & a wrap of wiz to share). I think I have got adequate dosh; all my good clothes are clean & ironed. So LET’S ‘AVE IT!!

"Envy, envy, e-e-e-e-envy"

As you may’ve gathered last night was cool. The downside was a fucking bitch of a hangover which left me with no choice but to go back to bed instead of going to work. I’ve just come in from a lovely walk, yes I know that sounds mad coming from me but my I-pod & I thoroughly enjoyed it. We went round the country park. I had to smile when the teenage couple walking toward me swiftly hid their joint upon seeing me. I also observed that Muse’s “Bliss” is THE most euphoric piece of music I’ve ever heard, it makes me rush & it actually sounds like bliss. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the volume & crystal clear sound quality of the I-pod.
Oddly despite all the true happiness & sense of well being I feel since Wales my thoughts still turn to Dream Girl more than anyone or anything else. It doesn’t bring me down anymore though perhaps I’m just in remission. That said, I would still gladly give up everything (bar The Boy of course) to be her man. Or at least I would were it not for Reckless. Bless him, I wouldn’t want him to know how life without her feels & I’m glad that he’s been lucky enough to find true happiness. If you’re gonna envy someone I guess it’s good if it’s someone whose joys you can’t begrudge (well, not often!).

"i'm sure you've enjoyed my day"

Again I’ve had a smashing day. Work was a doddle as I spent most of the day out on the road away from the dullness of the factory. I had The Boy’s company for a lovely couple of hours. I had a walk with my I-pod then I went to the pub to watch England stuff Croatia 4 – 2 & therefore make it to the quarter finals of Euro 2004. Then to top it all off I got talking to a very nice girl whose phone number I acquired. I shall be calling her in a couple of days with a view to a date. She said I was like Chandler; I so totally can’t think of any higher praise. Yay!

"A lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

Let me tell you about my lovely day. I woke from my very very lovely bed at 13:45. Had a bubble bath, coffee & corn flakes. Then I walked up to the school in the sunshine to pick The Boy up. Walked back with an indignant little boy who couldn’t believe I hadn’t brought the car, he moaned all the way back (only 10 minutes) but I didn’t get narked by it, I just took the mickey out of him & it was quite fun. We then hung out for a bit in the flat; playing on the computer together, watching “Attack of the clones” & messing about. It were reet smashing I tell thee!I had a call from Dream Girl, she sounded fed up but assured me she was ok, bless her. Then had more corn flakes…. Whoa, I just drifted off into a strange world where Alanis Morissette sounded really good!… yeah, um, corn flakes. I then watched Spain vs. Greece (draw). Then I carried on with my new song, I made the drum track last night so today I got the four-track out. I put some bass on it & what I think is a great keyboard track. Its working title is “piano song” but very oddly for me I haven’t got a melody or a lyric yet. It’ll come soon. Then I did the mixing while watching Russia vs. Portugal (0-2) then off to work. When I got there I received the payslip for my quarterly bonus – over £400- nice! On Friday with this cash I shall finally getting an I-pod. Yay!! I shall also be putting aside a wedge for next weekend’s annual weekend of debauchery in London, officially referred to as London Baby! This will be my 5th time, it’s awesome. Me & a bunch of geezers, beer, strippers, drugs, girls, the church, more beer & probably some footy! There’s always a tale or two to tell. Past events have included losing my wedding ring & replacing it without getting caught, snogging a hot lesbian, jumping into fountains with other like- minded souls & many, many more! (in the style of a cheesy voice over “artist”). Anyway I’m off for a fag but just to recap, it’s been a bloody nice day!

"Finaly I've found that I belong here"

Hello. Well I’m pretty much settled into my pad now & it’s great. I’ve just done my ironing! Other than sorting the flat out not much of note has happened. I think Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth is slowly getting the message, poor love.

"I thankyou for bringing me here, for showing me home"

Finally I have my own home. I received the keys at 10 this morning. I’m in the process of opening boxes & sorting stuff out. Yay!

"You cant always get what you want"

Ah well, another day, another wasted trip to London.
I’m stunned, I know I sang damn well but sadly I didn’t get through. I reckon my looks must have had a lot to do with it. Simon Cowell was not there nor was anybody else. Just sang to one producer sitting behind a desk. I didn’t even get in front of a camera! Still on the plus side I got to meet some nice people & it was an experience. I’m resolutely not going to let this get me down. I’m enjoying life too much at present. So let’s hope I get the flat sorted out today.

"I saw your girl last night, I'm really sorry but I think she wants me"

Ok, much to report. Friday night I went out in Crapsville. I had a good night & I spent a lot of time talking to Czechmate who is the wife of one of my colleagues, Vodka For Breakfast. Vodka For Breakfast is 58; a good old boy & I suspect an alcoholic. Czechmate is 26, very attractive, smart, funny & a native of the Czech republic. I’ve admired her from afar for some time. Anyway during our chat she confided in me that things with her & Vodka For Breakfast were pretty grim & that her sex life was abysmal. I, ever the shit, told her that I fancied her & that I’d “watch developments”. She then surprised me by basically telling me that she fancies me & that she would be “up for it”! The evening ended soon afterwards & the situation was left tantalisingly open. It is a big dilemma for me as I have a little bit of history in being the “other man”. Being the selfish git that I am I’m quite worried about getting a reputation for such things – “flash, he’s a good bloke but don’t leave him with your missus”- I don’t really want that said about me. On the other hand I do really fancy Czechmate & I’m sure it would be a thrilling experience. So, left open.
Prior to going out Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth had been upset, so I had given her a cuddle & tried to cheer her up. As part of this I asked if she was upset because of me, she said no & why would it be? This gave me a chance to gently remind her that “flash doesn’t want a girlfriend” & I also told her I was worried that she wanted something I couldn’t give her. She said all was fine & that was that. I didn’t believe her.
Saturday I woke quite early, watched a Harry Potter film on the telly & then went to collect The Boy. We headed over to Northampton. Dream Girl & I had arranged to go shopping ahead of my audition. The Boy stayed with Reckless who took him to the fair with the girls. Dream Girl & I had a lovely couple of hours together. We spent most of it in the pub, we had a really good chat & it was nice. My love for her as obviously been mentioned many times but I do feel I’ve reached a point of comfortable acceptance of the way things are. I have a strong inkling that Dream Girl may be struggling a little with her emotions. There have been many subtle signs that her feelings for me may be trying to break down the door that she locked them behind all that time ago. It is also not inconceivable that I am simply a spaz! Either way it warms my spirits without hurting anybody so it can only be a good thing, right? After spending 20 minutes or so actually shopping, I left her to shop some more while I went back to their house where Reckless & I thoroughly enjoyed watching England stuff Iceland 6-1.
Then it was back to Crapsville where The Boy went back to his mum & I went to Funny Dance’s to baby-sit for Smiler. Though not as traumatic as last time it was still far from easy. Smiler woke at about quarter to 10 & stayed up till half past 11 when Funny Dance & They Used To Be Even Bigger came in. the difference this time was Lulu who also got up & kept Smiler pacified. It makes one feel quite hopeless to be indebted to a 12 year old, but indebted I am. Lulu was a star.
I then went home. Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth was out so I just sat in front of the telly. It’s actually quite surprising how many satellite channels screen nothing but naked breasts late on a Saturday night. The phone soon shattered my voyeuristic tranquillity. It was Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth. Would I drive over to Northampton to pick her & her friend up? Mug that I am I said yes. It has to be said that she looked quite hot in her little skirt & red top. Within seconds of her getting in the car it became very clear that my old chap was gonna be pressed into action for the first time since the “banjo incident”. As we drove back to Crapsville it was decided that we should go up the club for a drink. I was very reluctant. It’s fucking shitty of me I know but I don’t want to be seen out around town with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth. I made sure she couldn’t hold my hand as we walked in. once in I felt very uncomfortable, even more so when I spied Czechmate & no Vodka For Breakfast. This was not good, Czechmate looked well pissed off as Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth dragged me off to the other side of the dancefloor. I tried mouthing “help” to her but I don’t think she got it, which was the final straw. I gulped down my drink & lied to Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth that there was a woman who I’d once had an affair with & her husband & left, dignity (?!) intact. Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth & Vulgar The Hutt followed & we went to Vulgar The Hutt’s house (for house read tip) for a quick spliff. Whilst Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth was in the loo, Vulgar The Hutt told me that Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth was in love with me, that’s she never seen her so happy & that we made a lovely couple! This was not good & I told her quite clearly that I need to be on my own & I don’t need a girlfriend. I hoped that Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth had overheard. We then went back & had a couple of hours of good sex. Well she did. As seems to have become routine frighteningly quickly, sex seems to consist of me pleasing her for an hour & then her pleasing me for 5 minutes (truth be known this time it was a fucking great 5 minutes!). And in case you’re curious, my penis held up admirably after it’s recent trauma!
Today I didn’t rise until 1pm, which partially explains why I’m still up at 2 in the morning. I dashed to get The Boy & again we went over to see the guys. Today being the dress rehearsal for my audition. I could see in Dream Girl’s eyes that she thought I looked good! Then I sang “summertime” & I sang it bloody well. The “judges” were suitably impressed & I progressed to the next stage. All too soon it was time to take The Boy home, good luck was wished & off we went. Then I nipped home for a shower & shave, packed my bag & got back in the car this time heading for Watford. As my audition is in Wembley at 8 in the morning I asked Oh Gawd (still officially my mother-in-law) if I could crash at hers. Being the diamond that she is she said no problem. People moan about their mother-in-laws but mine is great, as are the rest of my in-laws & it’s a real shame that I rarely see them. After a short while I went out for a beer & a curry with Big Bro & his wife (another Czech bride!) & their friend The Bodyguard. It was a nice couple of hours & a welcome distraction. I settled into my airbed just after midnight & here I am. I can’t sleep. Like a child on Xmas eve I’m just too excited. In a matter of hours I will have to stand in front of TV cameras & a panel of judges (presumably including Simon Cowell) & sing for my future. I know I’ll be nervous but I have enough confidence in my ability to think that I’ll get through this first round. That said I’m not going to be complacent. I will go in there & sing my very best. I’ve been trying to keep my feet on the ground but I cant help wondering where it could all lead. All I’ve ever wanted to do since I was a child is sing. I adore singing & it’s my dream to be able to make a living by singing. This cheesy TV talent show could just lead to that dream coming true. When I was a kid I just assumed that I would become a famous singer. Ever since I sang the lead in “Joseph & the technicolour dreamcoat” when I was 8, I knew I wanted to be on a stage with a microphone. Things seem to be going really well for me at present but if this goes well things could really take off. I really don’t think I’m gonna win the thing but If I could get to the latter stages & gain some recognition then who knows?It’s now nearly 3am & I dare not even try to go to sleep. I set my alarm for 05:30 so I think sleeping now would be a big risk. So more coffee & maybe a fag. Wish me luck.

"The pain was enough to make a shy bald Buddhist reflect & plan a mass murder"

OW! I had a quickie with Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth this afternoon. On completion of the deed I withdrew (as you do) to be confronted by blood & quite a bit of it. I asked if she had started her period; she hadn't. Then in horror I realised the blood was coming from my nob! Around this time the euphoria of orgasm faded & the pain kicked in, like I said:OW! After a tentative examination it appeared that I'd torn the little bit of skin between the foreskin & the shaft. I later found out that this is known as "snapping one's banjo".
Soon afterwards I phoned Reckless - who else would I turn to at a time like this than my best mate- I'm not sure what wisdom I expected him to have on the subject. He was a comfort though as you can imagine it was a cause for much hilarity. I later told Funny Dance too.
Then tonight The Duke Of Jokes called me out of the blue, which was great. It's a source of great happiness to me that The Duke Of Jokes is back on the radar. I discussed it with him (amid much laughter) & he said that it had happened to him once. He said that I shouldn't worry too much but to "give it a week".
Absolutely fucking typical, eh? I haven't needed the bloody thing for a year & it goes & breaks now! Poor Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth, bless, was quite worried. She feared it was somehow her fault. Joking aside the whole thing was quite a sobering experience to us both.

"It's the t-shirts that you choose"

News on the flat - a 2 bedroomed flat has become available & it's (touch wood) mine! If the housing association are to be believed I could even be in by the weekend, ace! Do You Kiss Your Mum With That Mouth is getting a bit full on, which is scary. so moving on would be a good thing although I have to say that my stay here has been a breeze.
I'm starting to get quite excited about my audition on Monday. I think I'm gonna sing "Summertime", I know it'll impress & it's not something I could cock up. Hopefully at the weekend I can get Dream Girl to help me with my "look".
Had a bit of an e-bay relapse last night, bought 5 new tops. This is on top of the 8 tops i got from Temper Tantrum's Next catalogue. So I guess I'm alright for tops, eh?