"When the body speaks all else is hollow"

Quiz time!

How much of a legend am I?

After not going to bed till half past midnight last night ( due to putting shite on my I-pod for the party) & then getting up at 5am & then doing an 18 hour shift at work.
Did I?
A) Go straight home & crash straight into bed
B) Go home, have a spliff & chill for a while
C) Go straight from work to Crapsville's premier nightspot & down 2 pints of stella & set fire to the contents of my mouth (Sambuka) within 40 minutes

You betcha!

So now I'm a little "tired and emotional"

Sexy Shy Smile & Manchild were in there & I can't help but think fair play to Manchild! He's only 17 & he's shagging an experienced attractive woman. Good on him!
50% & Sound But Spitty were in there also, & Sound But Spitty was telling me about his recent weekend drink ups in Bristol & Birmingham whilst of course spitting all over my face. It took some restraint not to say "Hey! I wanted the news not the weather!"

My Favourite song ever is "Enjoy the silence" by Depeche Mode. So I have feared what the muppet out of Linkin Park has done to this classic on the new "Enjoy the silence 04" remix.
I finally heard it last night & I have to compliment said muppet on a job well done. I really like it! Though it's obviously not as good as the original.
I have to confess that for a while Radiohead's "Paranoid android" took the title of my favourite song ever & still comes a close second.

Anyway I'm done. I have nothing new in my inbox so I'm off to bed.

After some serious masturbation of course!

"It's my life, don't you forget"

I'm pissed off!
Temper Tantrum just phoned me up to make arrangements for me having The Boy tomorrow. After that she tells me that Delusions Of Grandeur (One of my fellow lab techs) has told his sister who I shall now venomously call Nice Tits Shame About The Face that I'm on a final written warning at work & she gleefully reported this to my wonderful ex wife!
Bastard, Bitch, Bitch.
Now I'm annoyed at Delusions Of Grandeur for talking about me out of work particularly as I've recently been starting to get on with him better. I am however not going to go mad at him as he may have mentioned it innocently.
I'm annoyed with his sister as she obviously went running straight to Temper Tantrum with her juicy titbit.
I'm fucking apoplectic at Temper Tantrum for tackling me about this. As I said to her, it's none of her business what happens in my life. It's been over 2 years since I left her so what makes her think she's got any kind of right to comment on things that don't concern her.
This is why I don't like small towns.
GRRRRRR!!

My costume for Saturday's Halloween party has now changed. I haven't yet seen it but I'm going as a mad scientist complete with blood splattered white coat & crazy wig. This has finally presented me with a perk to being a lab technician. I shall be drinking all my vodka & cranberries from a volumetric flask and/or a test tube, which I think will add to the effect big style.

So it's 9.30 pm & I'm 15 and a half hours into my monster double shift. I'm starting to flag but I've pretty much completed all my work, bar a few little tasks. Which I'd better get on with actually.

Bastard, Bitch, Bitch!

"...the seaside town that they forgot to close down"

It would appear that once again I have fallen prey to some kind of bizarre mental state.

I'm here in front of my screen at nearly 3 in the morning. I didn't go to work today (for reasons that I truly do not know - which is a bit of a worry) so I ended up sleeping til noon. Therefore I have only just begun to feel tired. I cannot go to bed now. So here I am with 3 hours to kill.

I've just watched "Fight club". Now I realise that I'm a grillion years behind everyone else on the planet but I just dug out the video that my Mum gave me & watched it. It has to be said that it's one cool film & not at all what I expected to see. I must watch more films.

I'm feeling very odd. With one notable exception (Hi), I'm just not feeling anything. Work sucks big donkey balls. Yet I know I have to work so I have money. Yet I never have any money. It's all fucking gone as soon as I get it. I pay my rent, I pay my (voluntary) child support for The Boy, I get some shopping, I get some petrol & I pay back the various fivers that I've borrowed so I can smoke & eat on Wednesdays & Thursdays. I loathe this way of life. I know that everyone who knows me thinks I'm a loser & the sad thing is they are correct. Please be aware this isn't a cry for help or a plea for pity. It is merely a statement of fact.

I put at lot of it down to my formative years where I perfected the art of thieving to an art form.
I started nicking stuff when I was 5. I got caught taking Football cards out of the desks my Mum was cleaning after school. I had to stand in front of that class & apologize to them all. I was as ashamed as a 5-year old knows how to be. Though I remember no other punishment. I stole stuff until the age of 22. I simply stopped, decided that it was wrong after all. However I had obviously gotten used to being able to get what I wanted. If I couldn't steal it, I'd steal something else & sell it. I must have stole thousands of items & made scary amounts of money. I only had one rule, I didn't steal from those I cared about. Every now & again I would get caught. Once or twice the police were involved, yet I never was made to suffer for my crimes. My mum would pretend it never happened & my dad would shout at me for 10 minutes then go back to his world of "I'm reading the paper" or "I'm watching the news" & it would never be brought up again. That was it. So nowadays I don't steal but I still have the habit of making sure I get what I want. If I want a CD I will buy the CD & then worry about how I'm gonna pay the phone bill. In recent weeks I haven't been doing this, yet I'm still always skint.

I'm not sure that I should tell you my thief stories as I don't want to alienate anybody (Hell, it's not like I can afford to lose readers). Perverse as it is, many a moment of joy came from my ill gotten wares. The most infamous time stemmed from an act of vehicle breaking which I'd branched into at around 19 or 20. Luckily I hadn't learned to drive at the time. I know if I had I would have stolen the whole car rather than just the stereo & the change in the glove box. One time I broke into a van, i say broke into but actually i simply got into it as it was unlocked. I acquired a cheque book & a cheque guarentee card. The next 3 weeks were fucking fantastic. My mates (Reckless, Funny Dance & Married A Proper Bitch) & I lived like kings. We went shopping for an hour at a time in different towns & "bought" loads of CDs, Videos, Clothes, etc. One weekend Reckless, Myself & Why Did He Come? (Who many years later I discovered is Buddy With Boobs' brother) went to Barry Island in south Wales for the weekend. It was utterly splendid, at no point was money ever an issue. We went out & got proper mashed. Reckless & I still bemoan our luck to this day, of how the 2 very hot girls with lovely welsh accents & their own flat nearby had to leave us after an hour or so of getting on really well with them. All because there were 3 of us & 2 of them. Hence the name of our 3rd team member. That said the whole thing was a total blast & it led to Barry Island becoming this mythical place of legend where all manner of debauchery could occur. Reckless & I went there on at least 2 further occassions with various different members of our posse. Strangely enough, Barry Island is a shit tip. It's the sort of resort Morrissey was singing about in "Everyday is like Sunday". Which they played on the fun fair on the Sunday after the maddest Saturday night of all the Barry trips. That song shall forever take me there with a smile & a memory of the biggest hangover ever.

I know this blog has taken quite a few trips into my chequered past recently. I make no apology for this, the prime reason for this blog is to be a diary for me. Also I have nothing going on worthy of story in my life at the moment. Stories are everything to me. I was telling a friend recently that I'd rather die poor, with nothing to pass on & than with no stories to tell, no experiences to relay. One day The Boy will read all this & see that his dad was a person, not just a dad. I hope he'll think "Blimey, Dad did loads of stuff".
I honestly believe that If I could write down all my stories & memories that it would make a fine read.

So I've waffled on a bit tonight....but I ain't quitting yet!

This Saturday Reckless & Dream Girl are hosting a big halowe'en party at their place. It's fancy dress & I'm going as the Grim Reaper. The idea being that it's simple but effective. I have also been put in charge of the music. This means that over the next few days I shall have to forcefeed my I-pod with shite. Y'know party music, like S club, Britney & loads of other asanine soulless guff. I may slip "We both know" onto the playlist. If anyone says "What's this shit?" after the grim reaper has consumed much vodka & maybe drugs it could get nasty.

Scream 4 anybody?

"Re-motivate me"

Just dropping in to re-assure you all that I'm still alive.
I have been hit hard by a bout of extreme lethargy.
Nothing seems to have much of a point to it at the moment.
Normal Flashman service will be resumed as soon as it is deemed worthy.

"...with a name I've never chosen"

Today I have decided that I am going to record an "album". The positive reactions I've had to "We both know" (& to a lesser extent "Never enough") have galvanised me so, that I want more (Any kind of praise is good praise!). So I'm going try & create a whole set of songs on this new program. It will have at least 10 tracks but I'd be happier with 12. I've also decided that all new recordings will be kept under wraps until the "release" of the "album". That date is March 1st 2005. I have chosen this date as it gives me the best part of 6 months to complete the task & it's a personally significant date.
I do that. I remember dates of specific events in my life & I will somehow find a way to quietly mark their passing. The first time I ever got really upset by a girl - 22nd Feb & so on.

Now readers, I need your help. In recents posts I've wrote about Helen & Mandi. My query is: Have I made a mistake by not giving them a blog name like everyone else, should I be consistent with this shit?
Please I require all your opinions ( including you who has just stumbled here for the first time, Hello How you doing?)

whispering....I'm a bit stoned :->

"I wonder where you are now..."

Friends, Romans & Charlton fans,
I am in pain. I have a recurring back pain thing that attacks without warning every couple of years or so. It stems from an accident I had on a building site when I was 18. It hurts & it makes me walk like an old man. It also occasionally spreads to the tops of my legs & my groin. At the moment it feels like I've been kicked square in the nuts!

Nothing is happening in my life at the moment but as is my perogative I'm gonna speak of things past today. More accurately; people past.
It's incredible when you add up all the people who at one time or another were important in your life but now you have no idea about them.
My I-pod today played me (amongst others) "Hold back the rain" by Duran duran.
Which contains this lyric:

Ok go off & wander, I'm guilty just the same
but sometimes you're needed badly, so please come back again

When I left Wakefield back in 1988 those words were written in a card for me by a fantastic girl called Mandi.
I met Mandi at the same time as Helen, they were friends & the 3 of us were all on the same YTS (£27.30 for 40 hours slog, well thankyou very much for that Thatcher!) in retail work.
She was quite a character, she'd tell outrageous stories of how she'd been a roadie for Duran duran 3 years earlier (She'd have been 13!), how she been very close with John Taylor & how she suspected that "Last chance on the stairway" may've been written about her.
This aside, she was alot of fun & a champion flirt. At the time I thought that she had the best arse I'd ever seen & she loved that.
That whole 2 year period from leaving school to leaving Wakefield was, looking back, one the best times of my life. There were 6 of us who used to hang out: The Duke Of Jokes, Gentle Giant, Ridgeley*, Helen, Mandi & myself. I was with Helen throughout that time. Mandi was initially free, then she & The Duke Of Jokes threatened to get it on and then she went out with Ridgeley. Twice if memory serves me right.
I wanted her the whole time, she was sexy & fun & didn't possess the temper of Helen.
We'd sometimes hang together, just me & her. On the top floor of a multi story car park in the city centre with a tape player on summer evenings. They were always good times, we never had any silences & there were alot of "What if..." conversations. I can't be 100% sure now but I'm sure we kissed once & I know we both told each other we loved each other. That happened in the Mecca of romance, like Paris only more so, that is Pontefract bus station.
I last saw her when we were about 21. We had a night out in Wakefield with Gentle Giant, then we got the train to Leeds to go to her flat. I remember my Dad getting on the same train & me telling him I was going "to a party". I think the arched eyebrow told him more than that & I bet he got off that train in our village proud of his lad.
When we got to Leeds we talked for ages, shared some wine & then went to bed... separately.
Looking back I regret not trying it on, what did I have to lose?
I never saw her again after that morning. I wonder how she is, what she's doing with her life & if she ever looks back on that time as fondly as I do.

*Betcha laughed there, Duke

"Life in a northern town"

Despite my raging sexual frustration, I have decided not to go out tonight. I want to have a week where i'm not scraping around for cash from my friends just to buy some fags. So it seems that my long dormant sensible gene has finally kicked into action. Shocked? You betcha.
Instead I'm going to Funny Dance's place to watch "Van Helsing" with him & They Used To Be Even Bigger.
I watched a film last night; "Brassed off". For those who don't know it's a british film set in a Yorkshire coal mining community. I found it stirred a lot of old memories up. My family home in Wakefield is only yards from an old pit site. It's long gone now & i have only fuzzy recollections of it being a working pit. It stood idle for several years before they knocked it down. As a young lad it was a great place to play (also incredibly dangerous but like you care about that when you are 11) & gave me the chance to say "Yes, I have actually!" when I'd come home filthy to be greeted by my Mum's "where the hell have you been? Down pit?"
Our local pub at home is just 5 doors down from Mum & Dad's house, it is called "The Rescuers". It was so named after a disaster that happened at the pit before I was born. Many people died & the pub became a refuge for the walking wounded & of course the rescuers. So watching this film really brought back a lot of home feelings. Then the bloody DVD stopped about 3 quarters of the way through. On inspection the disc had a nasty scratch type thing on it at the edge. So I never saw the end which pissed me off big time.
Whilst being nostalgic about home I should mention that today is my Mum's birthday. This also means that it's the 18th anniversary of losing my virginity. Aaah, Helen. We had some damn good times. I was the first out of my circle of friends to do the deed & soon afterwards I dragged Helen down to the phone box & rang each of them in turn to boast of my conquest. Yes The Duke Of Jokes that phone call was 18 years ago today mate. 18 years!!!
So now I'm thinking of Helen & I'm thinking of sex again. Damn it!

That would be full circle then.

"Don't tell me what your name is, I want your body not your mind"

I gleaned from yesterday’s Sun that according to a global survey carried out by condom manufacturers Durex that us Brits spend more time indulging in foreplay than any other nationality. We spend an average of 22.5 minutes priming each other for the main event. I am disappointed at the impatient little buggers who brought that average time down despite all my best efforts! I could really do with some sex, it’s been about 3 months now. I think I may have to go out hunting for some action this weekend. I’m fully aware that this quest will most likely end in failure & dejection, but one has to try.

It’s probably of no interest at all but my I-tunes (on random as it almost always is) has been very good over the last hour throwing out these tunes:

The wreck of the beautiful – The Divine Comedy
Can’t carry on – Crowded House
F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E. – Pulp
Love action- Human League
Garden party – Marillion
I feel loved – Depeche Mode
Nature_1 – Muse
Smokin’ – Super Furry Animals
There goes the fear – Doves
Look what I found in my beer – The Beautiful South
Bleach – Easyworld (RIP, sob)
Way beyond blue – Catatonia
The edge of America – Duran Duran
Empty cans – The Streets

I right enjoyed all of them.

Today I have bought a nice bottle of red to enjoy all by myself this evening, I think I may watch a film or maybe some old “Friends”.
Whenever I get lonely in my little world I find that a few episodes of my favourite TV show ever always cheer me up, I love those guys & I miss them so.
I can’t wait for “Joey” to hit our screens in the new year.

I also bought a couple of pairs of jogging bottoms purely for when I’m slobbing about at home, so much more comfy than jeans.

As you may be able to tell I really don’t have much to blog about today so I’ll knock it on the head for now.

"All the children dancing at our feet"

I went round to Funny Dance's for tea tonight. He & They Used To Be Even Bigger had been for their scan today.
It's twins!
Oh my god!
The man is a thoroughbred baby factory, or as his eldest son deemed him; the sperminator.
I should remind you that Funny Dance already has 4 children, including 2 twins.
In just a few months time there will be 6 kids in that house.
The thought scares the bejesus out of me!
One's just dandy for me, thanks.

"A job that slowly kills you"

I am so pissed off with my job.
It has become one continual soul-destroying routine. I work as a lab tech for a "specialised coatings" provider. Simply put we paint stuff using fancy techniques. It is really difficult because I've been there for 10 years now so it's safe & comfortable & I have many friends there. I am also the company's trainer, a position that I adore & that I have surprised even myself by just how damn good I am at it. Sadly, it only accounts for about 3% of my time.
More than just the mind numbing dullness is getting to me though, I don't want to be a cog in a great big money making machine. I want to do something worthwhile, something rewarding, something where I can come home & think that my efforts have made some difference in the quality of someone's life.
The other thing I'm sick of is shiftwork. Until recently it's been ok but I'm in my 6th week of 6-2 now & it's not good getting up at stupid o'clock every morning. The nightshift (10-6) has just been changed to an afternoon shift; 2-midnight- Monday to Thursday. Now while this has the mega benefit of a 3 day weekend it has also thrown up a new problem for me. Ever since I moved back to Crapsville I have on at least 3 (usually 4) days a week picked up The Boy from school & we hang out for 3 hours or so. Now I have to tell him that next week he can't see his dad all week. He will be as gutted as I am. The knock on effect of this is that I will now spend all weekend with him to try & compensate, leaving no time for any social activities for me. While this blog malarkey has allowed me to make new friends, I don't think I'm gonna find someone to unleash my sexual frustration on, am I?
So today I start job-hunting in earnest. I don't know exactly what I want but I'll know when I see it.

So the "next blog" thing yielded little in the way of success. Mainly because my browser kept closing & warning me by saying "Today Microsoft internet explorer cant be arsed so hard cheese, you'll have to start over again! Ha ha ha!". When it did keep going I found that a lot of blogland is not my cup of gold blend. This is totally cool because we are all different & hopefully all the people who write get as much out of their blogs as I do mine.
However, there does seem to be a lot of political stuff (Honestly I have my own opinions about my country's powers that be but I find it impossible to take any interest in anybody else's), stuff about knitting & moving house & of course there are a lot of those previously berated examples of how to butcher the beautiful English language (Don't get me started!).
That said, it is a strangely captivating pursuit.

"It's just a question of time"

So on Friday I went over to hang with my buddies. To my sursprise they had some wiz so it would've been rude not to, eh? We had a fine time, they were honestly impressed by the quality of my new recordings. Reckless (bless him) never really pays much attention to the lyrics although I don't take that for granted, but it can be quite odd when the inspiration for the lyric is Dream Girl. This is the case with "Never enough" & "We both know". Then we had a jam, we did several tunes & I make no bones of the fact I was on tip-top form & sounded ace. I really excelled on "Haunted" which is my quintessential song about Dream Girl. They have told me many times that the song is a classic & would be recognised as such if it ever made it into the public domain. I have to agree.
Then we just sat & talked about stuff, at one point we disagreed about something. We proceeded to debate the topic for the next 8 hours without ever getting to any sort of resolution. Honestly, we just carried on all night & some of the morning without (somewhat ironically) noticing the passing of time. That's wiz for you.
So the point in question was thus: Is time a constant, i.e the same all over the universe.
Reckless & Dream Girl were firmly entrenched with the opinion that yes it is, while i said no it isn't.
The premise for my argument was that time is dependent on things happening, it is a measurement of the distance between events. So here in our very busy part of the universe things are always happening so therefore time can always be seen to be passing. On top of that we as a race have been clever enough to notice that certain things happen at specific intervals & from that we have devised our own way of measuring "time"- Years, days, hours, minutes, etc
Now elsewhere in the universe where there is not a large amount of matter & events happened less often surely time itself would be different.
The point I kept reiterating (I'm still dumbfounded that this didn't swing it) is that if one could observe one of these points in space & nothing happened at all how could you measure any kind of "time" as no events would have occurred.
A hour would still be an hour the second hand on my watch would still show seconds passing so if I watched for an hour I'd have been watching for an hour irrespective of whether anything actually happened.
No, an hour would have passed on earth. Where nothing has happened there as been no noticeable change of events so everything is still in the state it was , therefore no time has passed at all.
An hour would've passed, I would of felt the passing of it
Yes because literally millions of events would have happened in & around you that would have noticed by yourself & logged by your brain to show the passing of time. Imagine you are somehow watching this nothing without your presence being a part of it. Nothing has happened at all, How long have you been there?
An hour
AAAARRRGGHHHH...

And so it went on, now obviously I have presented this argument in a way that is very heavily biased towards me. It's my blog, ha!

No tempers were lost but we all got quite exasperated with each other.
Anyway if there any scientific minds reading who would like to clear this up, be my guest.

One of my regular readers has asked that she been given a groovy name like everyone else, who am I to deny her?
Speaking of readership, I consider Stickybuns, Charby & The Duke of Jokes (hiya mate!) to be my core audience. It's wonderful to know that I am not talking to myself. However I feel a need to expand, to grow, to dominate the world! So if there is anyone else who reads but doesn't comment then say hello. To my magic 3some above I say "spread the word" & to myself I sigh knowing that I'm going to have to take a "next blog" odyssey.

"This time it's all about me"

Firstly I’d just like to tell you that this was ready to post yesterday as promised but then blogger wouldn’t do as it was told, sorry if you been waiting with baited breath.

Whilst having a big tidy in my flat the other day I found some pages from Tequila Mockingbird’s blog that I’d printed off at work to read at home. On them was a list of 100 things about her. I am now going to unashamedly steal that idea.
Ladies & gentlemen may I present 100 things about me…

I say “I like to think I am” instead of “I am” far too often
I have always longed to be famous & I haven’t given up hope…yet
I once had a cat called Alan
I changed my name at the age of 14 because I didn’t like it.
I did it legally at the age of 25.
I was adopted when I was a few weeks old.
I don’t like vegetables.
I will never marry again..
…unless Kylie Minogue is my bride
I used to be petrified of spiders but I can tolerate them now
As yet my penis has never let me down when I’ve needed it
Irish blood, English heart’s what I’m made of
The first “band” I ever saw live were Kajagoogoo
I want to slap the paperclip guy on Microsoft word
The most wonderful thing I’ve ever bought myself is my I-pod
I like to think I am a very good father
I used to be a thief (a very good one at that) but I haven’t stolen for over 10 years.
I wear my heart on my sleeve
I can be extremely selfish
I 100% believe that there is other intelligent life in the universe
I once lived and worked on a holiday camp
I have been on TV twice, both were fleeting appearances. The 2nd of which I could be seen crowd surfing at a Travis gig. Of this I am strangely proud
I passed my driving test first time
Alvin Stardust once stole my tambourine (well sort of)
Between December 96 & August 98 I saw Stereophonics live 13 times & I haven’t seen them since
A lover once noted that I have more body hair on one side than on the other
I smoke far too much
My mother tells embarrassing made up stories about me like how I would put milk on my hair to make it straight. She’s a bit nutty.
I can be extremely charming
I can be extremely devious
I enjoy occasionally taking drugs with Ecstasy being my favourite.
My ex-wife often refers to me as Peter Pan
I had a fantastic party for my 30th birthday where I was off my tits on wiz & E without my wife knowing.
I am cursed with an inability to control money
I once had a dream come true & I have suffered for it every day since
I wouldn’t change it though
I love coffee & I don’t like tea
On the only long haul flights I’ve ever been on I had the misfortune to have a plane with a knackered entertainment system, there & back!
My favourite place is London & I’d like to live there one day
I sing very loud & passionately in my car & I don’t give a crap who sees me
When I was in a band in 1994 we once played to 4 people in a Sheffield pub.
I once got chatted up by a guy in a Reading pub, I thought he was just being friendly
I despair of the number of friends I’ve lost contact with
I like porn
My son looks so much like me that it’s frightening
Outside Britain I have only been to 5 other countries: France, Spain, Holland, Canada & The USA
I love football (soccer to my trans-Atlantic readers) but have no time for any other sports.
My favourite colour is orange
My favourite colour for clothes is black (though I’m told that I suit red)
I love lists (but this one is really hard!)
My favourite film with no spaceships in it is Die Hard
If my loved ones comply with my wishes then my funeral will be the funniest funeral ever in the history of funerals.
When my time comes I would like to die in spectacular fashion, I can hear people now; “Do you remember Flash? Lovely bloke, got eaten by a lion y’know”
I love the welsh accent on women
I have a highly evolved sense of direction & never, ever get lost
If I was an animal I would be a sloth
I am really tempted to rename this list- 57 things about me
Speeded up voices always make me laugh
As I child I once rode a horse bareback to impress a girl (it worked)
I’d like to grow my hair long but I cant because it grows up & out
I have become incredibly reliant upon my computer
I favour boxer shorts as my undergarment of choice
I would like to go on a cruise one day
Every pair of socks I own are black
I’m a good dancer but am rarely confident enough to let go
I lost my virginity when I was 16
I hate the fact that I will be 35 in January
I have never been slim
I have too many times in my life been the other man
I haven’t been in a proper record shop for ages & it makes me sad
I try to have faith that most people are essentially good
I am very sceptical about anything that I can’t see, hear or touch
I love dark chocolate
I don’t like being cold
If I was really good looking instead of average I would be a total Casanova
I am utterly bored of my job
I don’t like confrontation though I enjoy a good natured debate
I hardly ever lose my temper & when I do I sulk more than I shout
I haven’t watched television at all for almost a week
I once got dressed up as a woman when I worked at the holiday camp & several people didn’t realise it was me
I am weak willed
I used to think that the 22nd of the month was cursed as bad things always happened to me on that date
It is 12 years to the day since I met my ex-wife
I am a qualified manual handling assessor & instructor
I could drive a fork lift truck before I could drive a car
I am very fond of making grand romantic gestures
I don’t know of anyone who dislikes me
That would perhaps change if certain people read my blog
I would dearly love to go on holiday with the boys next year
I am an exceptional singer
I sometimes think that I’m the great lost songwriter of my generation
I like getting the giggles when I’m stoned
I would love to meet Noel Gallagher cos I think he’s a geezer
I am fascinated by astronomy & quantum physics but I struggle to get my head round some of it
I have not really achieved anything of note in my life but I feel I will one day
I think I have brought much happiness into many lives & I’m very proud of that
I am very lazy
I wear a size 8 shoe
I generally don’t like Thursdays
I am not an animal person

Phew, that wasn’t easy. Anyway I’m off over to see Reckless & Dream Girl now & I’m very excited about playing them my new recordings of “Never enough” & “We both know”.
Toodle pip

"From this side of the morning..."

Hmmm, did any body notice that I was drunk when I posted in the early hours? I think I hid it quite well!
As I've said before, drunkeness = honesty. It just removes the barriers of caring about how one's thoughts will be percieved. So there's your answer Cheryl!

I feel like I'd like to do some serious blogging today but as yet I don't know what about.

I'll be back...

"oh but how can i sllep with your voice in my head, with an ocean between us & room in my bed"

Hello bloggy friends
Please let me warn you that i am very drunk.
god bless Namesake who has totally supported my drinking all night. It was far & beyond what was necessary.
I saw Sexy Shy Smile earlier, she was with Manchild & d'you what? She couldn't look me in the eye.
I'd like to take this drunken opportunity to say a big "Whaaaay" to Cheryl who i tghink i'd have already fallen in love with if she were not an ocean away from me.
And also to Charby who is in the sqme country but alas is far too young for an old sad ass like me.
y'see the thing is i've got so much love to give but no-one to give it to.
I have to confess that i've had daydreams about Cheryl flying over here & me showing her some of the wonders that the uk has to offer. (primaraly me!).

Oh i am very drunk and i#'m sorry for any offencre i may cause but in sll honesty i have recieverd more love from my blogging buddies than i have real people. for that i can only thank you.
So tonight Namesake took me out (god love him) , we saw all of the London posse bar Babyface. Also In The Same Boat's brother was out with Sexy Shy Smile attached to his arm.
If she's into young boys then so be it. It's herfucking loss.
'm far tooo drunk to type so adios my beloved ones.

"Haven't seen the family tree in quite a while"

I had a smashing time at Our Kid’s wedding. It was really nice to hang out with the family for a while. I particularly enjoyed the company of my cousin; The Loudest. I hadn’t seen her for about 6 years. When we were kids we were very close, she’s an only child & I was till Our Kid came along when I was 7. So we were like brother & sister in our formative years.
The Boy was an absolute star in his role as pageboy, he looked so smart & he charmed pretty much everyone there (chip off the old block!). At one point he was playing this silly hand game thing with my uncle & it really took me back to when I was that age. I pointed it out to The Loudest who agreed that it looked like our granddad & me 25 years ago. Then she pointed out something, which I’d never ever seen but was shockingly obvious once she’d said. My dad looks just like my grandma did!
Our Kid looked absolutely beautiful & was clearly very happy, as you’d expect. Being that I left Yorkshire when I was 18 I haven’t really been that close to my family, sometimes I’ve gone months with no contact, but I really embraced being around them all.
It were proper bo, I tell thee!

"Sun in the sky you know how I feel..."

Sunday rather surprisingly started without a hangover of any kind. Breakfast was consumed & the tube was taken to Kentish town.
The Church was totally first class. It was slightly annoying to see the fella who swallows stuff again though. The stripper was bloody amazing!! I’m positive I wasn’t the only bloke in there who got a hard on! The brown pills were shite. I had 2 & I was mildly buzzing for an approximate total of 6 minutes, whoo! I got talking to an American girl from Virginia, I gave a friendly telling off for wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan “Britain…it’s not that great”, cheeky cow! Still it gave me a chance to spend lots of time looking at & pointing to her ample chest. After church we went to The Backpacker (as you do) and guess what? Yup, Flashman’s snogging again! Her name was either Arlene or Eileen. I couldn’t quite make out her thick Scottish accent above the quality tuneage. Geez was she keen! She kissed with almost venomous force, which was kinda cool; it felt like she really fancied me. After what seemed like 10 minutes but was a good 90 we were on the move again. I was the only one who had a reason to stay so I was outnumbered, that said, I really wasn’t bothered & happily tagged along. Our last pub before going had a karaoke on (yay!) & I slurred my way through Will Young’s “Leave right now”. I thought I was shocking, after all my throat had been battered by a gazillion fags over the previous 2 days, but my cohorts assured me I was great & that was good enough for me! The train journey home was as good as any part of the weekend. The 6 of us sat in first class & we had it to ourselves. We played cards, smoked spliffs & had a laugh about the weekend’s events. I got home & crashed pretty much straight into bed & as I drifted off into a drunken, stoned slumber I was grinning from ear to ear. I’d had the sort of weekend that makes you realise that occasionally this life can be truly great.

I crash landed back to reality at 5am on Monday morning & dragged myself to work. Ooh it was grim. Obviously I didn’t feel too good & Delusions Of Grandeur had a holiday day. Bastard beat me to it. After a really gruelling 8 hours Funny Dance picked me up & we went to rescue my car. When we got there the car had gone. I was not a happy bunny. We phoned the local police who told us that it had been towed away as it was causing an obstruction on the motorway. WAS IT BOLLOCKS!! It probably wasn’t even obstructing insect life. The cost of reclaiming it was £148 and rising by a further £12 every day. Now as the engine had blown up & it was out of tax & MOT in a couple of days I told them to keep it. So the Flashmobile is no more.

Now the reason I’ve been neglecting my blogging duties is indeed called Reason. It’s a computer program that is practically a recording studio. Apparently The Prodigy used it extensively on their new album. It’s fan-fucking-tastic!! It’s took me a couple of days to get into it but yesterday I completed the new super improved version of “Never enough” – bar the vocals as I’ve still got a sore throat. People, it brings me joy.

All that remains is to tell you that me & The Boy are heading up to Yorkshire tomorrow & on Sunday my little sister gets married. It should be great, my family is very small (only 8 in the whole extended bunch of us) but it’ll be nice for us all to be together. How will we get there? In the new Flashmobile that I’ve just acquired of course.