"If it looks like it works & it feels like it works, then it works"

Well so far the 10 commandments of Flash have hardly shook the world but it’s early days yet. One thing that has changed though is that I remain jolly & cheerful since coming back in spite of work being shit, almost being homeless & the impending doom of relegation for my beloved Leeds (Forest are safe by the way). Yay!?

"Oh goddamit, i think i've lost it"

So today was supposed to be the big day back at work, the arrival of Flash mark II & what happens? I bloody oversleep. Woke up at 7 & I’m supposed to be there at 6, so a big fat smelly lie is required. Tyres being let down in a street wide wave of vandalism should do the trick. Truth is I’m very annoyed at myself but under the new rules I’m not allowing myself to get down about it. It is shit though.
Better fill you in I suppose… Rainbow Girl’s was a washout; it became very obvious very quickly that just holding a conversation amongst the madness of her world would be quite a feat, never mind anything else. So I left after a couple of hours, I just told her that it was a bad idea & that I was off.
I went home to watch “friends” with my friends. It was really nice to get home & Flash mark II has been very well received, even brought tears to Dream Girl’s eyes, bless her. I’m sure that secretly they still think I’m mad!
The weekend has been really nice, I spent some quality time with The Boy & my “family”, the sun has been beating down & it’s just been nice, y’know?
So today I will try & sort some stuff out with my unexpected free time.
Ooh, I am a tit!

"I drove all day under a sea sick sky & i made it by mid-afternoon"

Prior to leaving Porthmadog this morning I held a little private ceremony where I cast two very special cherished items into the water & said goodbye to them & what they represent, in conjunction with the unspeakable law.
Now I’ve just arrived in Braintree, which is one hell of a trek from Porthmadog.
Rainbow Girl is out & about at the moment but should be back soon.
Any reportable incidents will have to wait until I get home as I’ve just about run out of paper.

"we're singing for England, EN-GER-LAND!"

It’s St. George’s day today. I’m very patriotic & I love England & being English. I hate the fact that no one makes a fuss & has a colossal party like the other nations do. However I am in Wales so I better get sorted & get myself back to EN-GER-LAND!!

"I know rules are a bore but just to keep you from danger I am the law"

So in a frankly bizarre turn of events it looks like I’m going to Essex tomorrow to see Rainbow Girl. Cool, you never know I might just get laid! I only have 4 days to go to stop it from being a year with no action. That statement may belie my affection for Rainbow Girl; I like her a lot & feel her to be a bit of a kindred spirit.
With that in mind I better outline my manifesto now as I may well be too busy tomorrow & the whole point of this trip was to sort my life out. So here goes: the 10 commandments of Flash. Actually before I lay down the laws one thing must be noted. The Boy overrides everything. The Boy is & always shall be my first priority. Ok here goes
1.ACT
I have fucked up so much of my life because of not acting upon things that I should have. I can no longer allow this to happen, I must act upon things. This is crucial & that’s why it’s law No.1.
2.DRUGS – A TIME & A PLACE.
I can’t help but think that a lot of my mental decline has been down to the amount of dope I’ve been smoking. Now I love getting stoned but from now on it shall only be consumed when it’s appropriate. So no more joints at 3 o clock on a Tuesday afternoon.
3.THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW.
I know what it is & I know what I have to do. I shall make a grand gesture of closure tomorrow before I leave Wales.
4.DEFINE WHAT I WANT TO DO
Throughout my life I have had lots of dreams about what I want to do or who I want to be. I see the need to define these dreams & either follow them or consign them to the bin.
5.STOP BEING BONE-FUCKING-IDLE.
Laziness is my nemesis. It has cost me so much in my life. I can’t allow it to cost me anything else. That’s why I pushed myself into climbing a mountain today. I have to fight laziness at every opportunity because it needs burying.
6.BE CLEAN
7.USE MY GIFTS
In conjunction with laws 1, 4, & 5, I clearly need to use the skills I possess because, frankly, a lot of people aren’t so lucky. I have a great singing voice, an ear for a fine melody & a way with words that can serve me as a lyricist, a writer & also as a conversationalist. I must be proud of these gifts & use them accordingly.
8.WOMEN MUST NOT RULE MY LIFE
As anyone who knows me well enough would tell you, all logic goes out of the window where women are concerned. This is flawed & has cost me dear time & time again. The pursuit of love must not detract from or obstruct everything else in my life.
9.SET AIMS
I should set aims on a regular basis & try to achieve them. This can only lead to success.
10.FUCK IT!
I am a big fan of spontaneity. There are times in life when you have to say “fuck it” & go with whatever feels right at the time. The fuck it law can be applied, albeit sparingly, to everything except law 3.

So that’s it, these guidelines come into force as of the moment I open my eyes tomorrow morning & shall stay in place until I pop my clogs.

"I'm so happy"

Double bill!! Double Yay!!

"This could be the very moment I'm aware I'm alive"

What a lovely day I’ve had. It’s been glorious sunshine all day. Since Snowdon I’ve had another fantastic drive, this time down to Porthmadog where I’m staying tonight. And now friends is on the telly. Yay!

"I made a break I ran out yesterday, tried to find my mountain hideaway"

Why did I do that then? “Yes, why the fuck would you want to do that to us?” scream my poor throbbing, jellified legs. Well, I walked up & down that mountain as a test of will & I triumphed. The top of that mountain was never come to me was it? No, I had to put in a concerted effort to get there. It’s kinda symbolic. The things I want from life, the things I’d like to achieve aren’t gonna come to me either. I’ll have to work for them, sweat for them, ache for them. When I was at the summit I left the lazy, bone-idle part of me up there. He’ll probably die up there unless he scrounges enough money to get the train back down. Even if he does I’ll be long gone by then. The plan is that I’ll never see the useless fucker ever again! Yay!

"Look Ma, i'm on top of the world"

YES! I sit at the summit of Snowdon.

"I'll take you to the highest mountain..."

Well I’ve had my brekkie & it’s time to move on. Where will I go? I don’t know but it looks like a lovely day out there so maybe I’ll find me a mountain!

"Here on my own, all on my own, how good it feels to be alone tonight"

Well Bangor is quite lively on a Wednesday night. Loads of pretty girls, trouble is that all those pretty girls are in the 18-22 age range. No doubt because Bangor is a university city. Still, I’ve managed to get quite drunk, which is nice.
I’m already in bed because I didn’t get much sleep last night & I’ve got a mountain to climb tomorrow- weather permitting.
At the risk of repeating myself, I’m so glad I did this. It feels good. Night night.

"Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor"

Time to chill at the seaside. I’m in Bangor, which for the uninitiated, is a pleasant little city on the coast of North Wales. I got here about 2ish. Since then I’ve had a wonder around, read the NME, had a couple of pints & finally found a room for the night. Oh I am going to enjoy sleeping in a proper nice double bed tonight. The plan for the rest of the day is to chill for an hour or two & then see what this place has to offer on a Wednesday night.
Part of my new way of living is going to be setting myself aims. Mostly short term to start with. I use the word aims as opposed to goals because not realising an aim isn’t necessarily a failure. Failure is not an option. So without further ado lets set some now, eh?
Tonight’s aim is to have a conversation with at least one woman. Tomorrow I aim to eat a salad (which would be a massive achievement for me!) & I think I will walk up a mountain, seriously!
Right now I’m off for a shower. A long-term aim is to be considerably less minging. With head bowed in shame I have to confess that sometimes I can be a little lax when it comes to personal hygiene (feel the need to point out that we’re not talking Bob Geldof stuff) but that stops today.
D’you know what? I bet back home everyone thinks I’m a nutter for just going away like this but I already feel I have gained so much from this trip, I feel vindicated.
Just looked at myself naked in the mirror & I don’t think I’ve ever looked so fat. I’m not gonna get down about it because I’ve been a bit of a porker since I was about 11, but a year ago I was 2 stone lighter than this. So another aim is to lose some weight, shall we aim for 11 and a half stone by the end of May? Yup, that sounds fair.

"It will be nice to be alone for a week (day) or two"

I think I may have actually done something right! I am so happy just driving around all this beauty. I’m really happy that I have taken control of my own destiny. For at least a couple of days I am not being swayed or led by any outside influences & it’s a very powerful feeling. It’s enriching my very soul! So for now me, my tunes & my little car are just gonna drive. Yay!

"And i haven't felt so alive in years"

Wow! What a wonderfully nice time I’m having. I slept from roughly 4am till 9 in the car at Llangollen. When I woke I drove off again, further into Wales. I stopped & had some breakfast then went off the beaten track. I had an enchanting drive through the mountains on a tiny winding road, it was ace! Now I’m in Blaenau ffestiniog & I need a poo!
That’s better! I was probably a bit optimistic paying for 2 hours on the car park. The Boy would be overjoyed, as the little “dinky dooey” steam train has just puffed alongside me. Buddy With Boobs would be happy too as she used to live here on a farm. As beautiful & inspiring as this area undoubtedly is I could never imagine living here. Being so far removed from my idea of civilisation would freak the hell out of me & everybody speaks in a bizarre foreign tongue! Right, back to the car & see where I end up next.

"I should try to make amends"

Hello stranger!! Sorry I haven’t checked in for a while. I’ll try & recap the last few weeks at some point but I am here & I am NOW!
I’m currently sitting at Corley services on the M6. I’m going away for a few days to be on my own & to sort my head out, indeed to sort my life out. I’ve left letters for Reckless & Dream Girl, The Silver Fox at work & for Temper Tantrum & The Boy. I’m not running away, far from it. I’m facing up to my self, facing up to things I need to do. Over the next few days you, my hard backed little friend, shall be my only companion. We’re gonna bury some ghosts, set some goals & maybe even draw up a manifesto. A set of personal guidelines to try & live within. I’m sick of the man I’m becoming. It’s time to evolve, to become a new me. A me that still holds true to who I am, that still possesses all the good worthwhile qualities that make me special but also a me that will not be accompanied by a sackfull of shit. In essence I’m going to try & figure out a way to become a winner, a fighter. Someone who my son & my friends are proud to know. The loser must be eradicated. That’s the plan.
I’m sure everyone thinks I’ve finally lost the plot but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m doing this in an effort to not only find the plot but also to read it, understand it & then take to the stage for the second part of this performance called life. Only I can do this, only I can change this life & only I can fix the mind of Flash which has been broken for far too long!So where are we going? At the moment picturesque North Wales is favourite although that is subject to change. Rest assured you’ll be the first to know.

END OF MONTH REPORT

Fuck March