"Dey all love me, dey all love me, dem girls dem girls they all love me!"

Hello peeps!
Just a quickie today as I'm off over to Reckless & Dream Girl's tonight. We are going to be hatching a plan. A plan that, if it comes to fruition, will further my quest for world domination, mwah ha ha. I'm giving nothing away except: TV.

Last night I watched a couple of movies. You may know that I'm not really a film buff. I love watching films but there are so many I haven't seen. I suspect this may be because Temper Tantrum & I had very different tastes in films. A trip to the video shop would usually end up with us leaving empty-handed & watching "Friends" instead.

Anyway last night I watched "Reservoir dogs", which I thought was ok but certainly not worthy of all the plaudits it gets, & "True romance" which I thoroughly enjoyed. Nice Not Hot lent me them after a discussion about films.
I don't think I've told you but when FlirtyDirty got the boot they replaced her with Lil' One's mum. Lil' Mum, perhaps? Anyway the 3 of them always seem to be on a fag break at the same time as me & we get on really well. Today, Lil' Mum was looking at me a bit oddly then started giggling. Then they all had a little giggle together. I never found out the reason for this mirth but I was assured that it was nothing bad & actually quite rude!
I sincerely believe that they all think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
You wanna disagree?
Actually, don't answer that!

Also last night there was a colossal thunderstorm above Crapsville, it was awesome! The lightning was pink! I stopped my DVD & just sat at my open window for a while, just watching in wonderment. It really reminded me of a time about 20 years ago, chez Duke Of Jokes, when we must have spent hours watching a wicked storm. We were also composing our unique brand of Smash Hits influenced poetry for the DukeFlash book of Odes.
Happy days, eh matey?

Anyway I'm off to the kitchen to make the boys tea: Pork chops, Yorkshire pud & spaghetti. Yum!
Cheerio!

"Why look for the key?"

Right.
This afternoon I was hanging out with The Boy after work when Temper Tantrum phoned.
Would I be able to pick her up from one of the nearby villages later when she drops her car off at the garage there?
No problem, happy to help.
In the meantime I decide that it's far too pleasant an afternoon for us to stay indoors, so I ask The Boy what he would like to do.
The country park? No
The Canal? No
The woods? No
Where then???

It would seem that he's got his priorities well in order. He suggested the pub.
Sounds good to me!
So off we went to the Queen of Hearts where The Boy ran around, climbed & slid in the outdoor play area while I had a pint of Stella & a couple of fags in the beer garden. I enjoy watching him play, especially when he forgets I'm there.

At about quarter past 5 we get in the car for the short trip to meet his Mum. She drops the car off & we proceed back to Crapsville to drop them both off. Just as we pull up outside her house she starts flapping about & screaming about how "We have to go back, NOW!"
"Why" says I, resolutely not getting annoyed at her hysteria.
Turns out she's only left her house keys with her car keys at the garage which closes at 6. It is now 5:53.
"You must have a spare set, even I'm organised enough to have spares with a friend"
"Yes, my boyfriend has them but he put them through my front door earlier today"

Oh

my

god.

So we hurtle back to the garage as fast as safety will allow & arrive there to find it deserted.
Now she's going into hyper-babble, the kind of incoherent squealing that used to give me the opportunity to say "Whoa, only dogs can hear you now!".
She used to hate that as much as I used to love watching her go incandescent with rage in response to it.
Then as always in these sort of situations she starts being unreasonable & horrible.
Through gritted teeth I remind her that none of this is my fault & she should be a little more friendly if expects me to help.
"Well" she says "if I can't get in then I'll have to sleep on my friends settee & The Boy will have to stay at yours tonight"
"Hang on I can't do that! I have to be at work at 6am & I can't afford to have any time off"
"Well he can't stay anywhere else"
Damn it, she was right.

So we are now on our way back to Crapsville for the 2nd time. Temper Tantrum phones her friend to ask if she can stay. I interrupt her; "I have a plan"
"What's the plan, dad?" chips in the little fella
"We're gonna do some fishing mate"
"Fishing???" they both say in unison & I smirk.
"I'll just have to go to work & get something"

Now at work we have a series of production lines from which the parts to be painted are suspended by hooks. All sorts of hooks of all sizes.
Do you see the plan?
Temper Tantrum didn't, so I explained; "You say that the spare keys were dropped through the letterbox, right? So, assuming they are on a key ring, I'll put the hook through the letterbox & try & fish the keys up to the letterbox"
She made a "phhfftt" sort of noise & kept banging on about how I wouldn't be able to bend the hook (???).
I told her to have some faith & she told me that this was one of my infamous wild goose chases that was doomed to failure.
I was actually quite confident in my ability to pull this trick off so I didn't allow myself to be anything less than chipper & positive, to the point where I said that I hoped she was partial to some humble pie.
We arrive at the house & I proceed to squeeze my hands & my trusty hook through the letterbox. Then I dropped the hook inside the house.
Fear not, for I had anticipated that scenario & had brought several hooks.
For the first minute or two she was constantly nagging behind me "this is never gonna work, The Boy needs his tea, if you haven't got it in 5 minutes then we have to give up"
"Perhaps it would be better if you just left me to it instead of putting me off?"
So she did.
For 3 or 4 nanoseconds.
Then I got the keys on the hook & without saying anything I started to feed the hook slowly upwards through my hands. Then I hear the keys as they fall off & hit the welcome mat.
Undeterred, I press on. The incessant whining behind me is starting to grate now.
Then I get it again. As I'm pulling it up I hear "I told you this was a bloody waste of time, you're never gonna do it" As I gently take the keys off the end of the hook & into my grasp I say "D'you know what? I think you're probably right". I then with keys firmly clenched in one hand & the hook in the other I withdraw my hands from the letterbox & turn towards my "lovely" ex-wife. "I knew it! Just a waste of time, always the same you are with your stupid ideas".

I walked silently passed her towards the car, just as she started to follow me I turned round.
"Temper Tantrum?"
"WHAT??"
I threw the keys to her & as her hands got caught them & her expression froze I turned back to the car saying "Forgive me If I'm a little smug, wont you?"

Ha!

"When you're born a lover, you're born to suffer"

Disclaimer #1. I am quite drunk

Disclaimer #2. Although both Buddy With Boobs & Dream Girl both read this from time to time, I have vowed not to change the way I write or what I write, as this is MY outlet. I know you understand ladies.

OK, so last night I wonder down to 'spoons & meet up with The Silver Fox & Crisp Fiend. We have a couple of drinks & enjoy a bit of work & football related banter. It's all good fun.
Then we make our way to the restaurant where Makes Me Laugh joins us. We eat our delicious Indian cuisine whilst carrying on with the same chat. Then "Confessions..." rears it's head. Makes Me Laugh has had his copy for a month or so but I haven't seen him since the Reading game. He tells me that he's listened to it loads & that he finds it "Marillion-esque" lyrically (!!!). While I'm devouring my lamb tikka masala, I receive a text (us Europeans, eh?) from Buddy With Boobs. She pissed off with FuckwitHusband & is in blahblah pub. So we head there when we've finished dining.
As we walk in Buddy With Boobs is walking out with some fella (who I correctly assume is one of FuckwitHusband's friends) & she does not look happy! I try to ascertain what's going on but she tells me nothing & proceeds outside with said bloke. As I walk into the place FuckwitHusband walks out.
We all go in & have a drink.
Soon, Buddy With Boobs returns & proceeds to tell me about the argument she has had with FuckwitHusband which, rather comically, culminated with Buddy With Boobs giving him the finger.
We go & sit outside for a while & the 5 of us chew the fat. Sonn enough it's my round so I go in to buy the drinks. I find myself standing at the bar next to a very attractive lady of around my age, who I will be calling Well I Wouldn't Have Guessed They Were Fake. I don't remember what we said to each other but it would seem I made a good first impression because within a minute or two she kissed me. Not a big snog or anything but she kissed me. I told her that I had to look after my friend who was upset but I would try and catch her later to get her number. Strangely this prospect did not make her run away or be violently ill, hurrah!
So I went back outside & proudly boasted it all to my friends.
A short while later Well I Wouldn't Have Guessed They Were Fake came outside & sat on her own. I went over & asked if she was ok. Turns out some dickhead had groped her & she was, quite rightly, upset. It was at this time when she told me that her breasts had been surgically enhanced. I knew I'd made a really good impression on her, I could see it in her eyes. I told her that my friend was having a rough time & that I had to look after her. She seemed to dig that. Just as I was about to get her number, a histrionic friend of hers came out & dragged her away. Bollocks.
It was now around midnight & The Silver Fox, Crisp Fiend & Makes Me Laugh headed off back to their respective lands of marital bliss.
I asked Buddy With Boobs if she wanted to go to the club or back to mine for a couple of spliffs.
So back to mine we went.
We had about 3 joints & consumed the lagers out of my fridge. She was hurting & I was going through an inner conflict: should I try it on or not?
Eventually I told her straight that as much as I was trying to be a good friend I couldn't help myself & I tried to kiss her like I had a few weeks back. This time though, it wasn't to be. I still (at least I think I did) continued to be a good friend & gave her all the support I could. Then, at about 2.30 in the morning, my phone rings.
"Who the fuck is this ringing me at this time of the morning?" I answer
There was a short pause & then there was a very weakly spoken "It's me"
It was Dream Girl.
Now I'm not going to go into the conversation but suffice to say she was upset with Reckless.
So here I am with one of my favourite women sitting next to me & another one on the phone. Both needing me.
Needing me to tell them how they're both wonderful & that their respective partners are tossers for not seeing that.
Aren't I great?
No, I'm fucking not.
It was at this time that I really started to feel seriously fucked off. Both these really special women turning to me for affirmation, to tell them that they are great & that I care so much about them.
Yeah, I'm great me.
So fucking great that no fucker ever actually thinks about how I might be feeling.
How I might be dying inside.
Bottom line is, no matter how pissed off either of them are/were with their men at the time, they will, as I type this, be lying next to their men in bed while I will be going off to mine on my own soon.
Fair?
Maybe, perhaps it's my penance for the cuntish things I've done in the past.
Anyway, Buddy With Boobs gets a taxi home at 4am & I fall drunkenly & desperately into slumber.

Today I pretty much just chuffed about the place tending to my projects.
Crisp Fiend phones me mid-afternoon & asks if I want to go out tonight.
Why not, I thought.

So after watching the tennis (I know! And how much like Richard Ashcroft does Andy Murray look?) I ventured down to spoons. Crisp Fiend & I had a natter over a couple of drinks & then we joined up with Mrs. Crisp Fiend, her 2 sisters & another girl. We wondered up to Friday's & en route Mrs.Crisp Fiend told me that her sister was "up for it". Later as we drank & danced a little in Fridays, Rebound (the sister in question) came up to me & kissed me. I didn't respond with any real gusto because, to be frank, I wasn't sure whether I actually fancied her or not. Within an hour of that happening, Rebound had been sick & gone home (apparently she lives in my building!).
A short while later the rest of us were in the club. I don't know if there was some sort of sick let's-fuck-with-Flash's-head plan going on but Mean Sister started giving me the old rubbing herself up against me dancing treatment. Then so did Not Crisp Related (who was the most attractive of the bunch). At one point I had one of them grinding against my front while the other was rubbing behind me.
As much as my poor neglected nob may have been enjoying this, I was getting a bit disturbed by it. I knew for a fact that both of these women had partners at home & that neither of them actually fancied me.
I went to the bar to get Mean Sister & myself a drink. As is always the case on Saturday nights in the club, it took me a while.
When I got back, none of them were anywhere to be seen.
As I looked around for them I got a text from Crisp Fiend; "Sorry mate, we've gone for a burger".
Great.
There I am with 2 drinks in my hands looking around despondently at all the people, noting all the ones that wouldn't be going home alone like me. I saw Sound But Spitty but I really didn't have the patience for him, so I downed the 2 drinks & headed for the burger bar. There I caught up with them. I said "Thanks for just ditching me in the club" & turned to Mean Sister & continued "...and thanks for the drink, I drank it for you". They didn't flinch.
So I gets my Doner meat & chips & I come home.
On my own.
For a change.

I am SOOOO looking forward to seeing The Boy tomorrow. I have missed him immensely & I know that he truly loves me, without condition.
I'm glad somebody does.

"When you're footloose & you just feel limbless..."

I've been suffering with blogger's block a bit this week.
With this in mind it's time to turn to the trusty timeline.

Autumn 1984: Got absolutely legless for first time at a friends birthday party.

My memory of this party is sketchy at best but I'll relay what I can.
I think it was November & it was the birthday of Flickyhair. Flickyhair was one of my friends from the 2nd tier, so to speak. He wasn't one of my best friends but I did hang out with him a lot & he was quite the geezer. In terms of girls he tried with extremely limited success to be my mentor. This was a thankless task. At 14 I was the archetypal ugly duckling (not that I'm a beautiful swan now but you know what I mean) & the girls gave me a very wide berth. He did manage to get me together with Baff. Baff was not a pretty thing but she did turn out to be the first girl who I ever kissed properly. Ghastly experience.

Much to the amusement of everybody in the whole school, if not the whole city, Flickyhair's dad drove a Robin Reliant. I once during the holidays went to Mablethorpe with him & his folks in said car. Bizarrely, as we made our way to the Lincolnshire coast, every other 3 wheeled crapmobile that we saw was greeted with over-enthusiastic waving & flashing of lights by the family Flickyhair. Odd types these Robin Reliant drivers!
I also seem to remember that The Duke Of Jokes took a trip to sunny Mablethorpe with the Flickyhairs. I'm still mentally scarred by the legend that was written in the sand in colossal letters by my "friends"; Flash is a wanker. Bastards!

Anyway, back to the party. It was held in Wrenthorpe, about a mile from my house (& still the home to The DOJ). So I cycled down there on Ronnie, my lovely racer.
The guests at this gathering numbered 7, 3 girls & 4 boys. Flickyhair's parents had gone out for the evening & left us to it. I remember there being lots of cider. I drank lots of cider. It became apparent very early on that 4 into 3 didn't go & guess who was the odd one out. It wasn't long until I was sitting on my own with only the record player & a 2 litre bottle of cider for company.
I played Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Welcome to the pleasuredome" which I then proceeded to sing to the rabbits in the garden. Only then did the other revellers remove their tongues from each other's mouth to see what was going on. Oh how they laughed. They then went on to play with me like I was some sort of toy. Let's give him more cider & see what he does then! The undoubted highlight of my evening then came. Sensing how upset I must have been to have been left on my own to get in such a state, one of the girls hung with me a little while. BBB was one of the few girls in my school that didn't treat me like a leper. Incidentally she is also the owner of the first ever nipple I touched some months later. Sadly for me her tonsil tennis partner was getting impatient & wanted her back. She stood up, pulled me to my feet, looked at me sadly & said sorry. She then totally shocked me by giving me what was without question the loveliest snog of my young life. Aaah...
I skipped off into the garden to serenade the rabbits some more when I started to feel a bit odd. There was no time to study this feeling or compare it to other sensations that I'd previously experienced because before you could say "petrified bunnies" I had started to vomit in a projectile stylee. And it didn't end.
For the first time in hours I saw Flickyhair. He was gonna sort me out, make me better. He was going to accomplish this by using all manner of tricks that he'd clearly learned from watching Minder or Prisoner Cell Block H. Plying me with copious amounts of black coffee was his first option. I'm sure I don't need to tell you the result of that action. I was very reluctant to comply with Plan B.
"You want me to get in that freezing cold bath with all my clothes on??? No way!!!"
I did put up a brave struggle but I was heavily outnumbered & soon I was very wet, very cold & still very drunk.
Around this time Mr & Mrs. Flickyhair returned & I was saved from anymore of my dear friend's wonderful ideas.
Flickyhair was dispatched to Outwood on my bike by his angry parents & after drying me off a bit I was bundled into the Robin Reliant for my trip home.
As we went up Potovens Lane we passed Flickyhair riding my bike, "Look that bastard Flickyhair has nicked my bloody bike now!" I exclaimed to no response. We pulled up on Ledger Lane & I slurred a thankyou to Flickyhair's dad (Polite even in the face of gallons of cheap cider).
I walked into my house, took off my coat & stumbled into the living room. I stood in the doorway & with all the composure I could muster said "I'm not feeling very well, I'm off to bed". My dad looked at me & with a smirk said "Ok son, goodnight".
"Goodnight love" said my mum.
"Phew!" I thought to myself as I closed the living room door behind me "I thought I was in for a right bollocking!"
As the door clicked shut I heard my folks erupt into the kind of riotous laughter usually reserved for a Morecambe & Wise Christmas special.
Bastards!

"The sun came up with no conclusions"

I feel all bittersweet today.
Like the grand of duke of York* I am neither up nor down.
I have many reasons to be cheerful but there seems to be an equal amount of reasons not to be.

*Not to be confused with the grand old Duke of Jokes.

The weather is absolutely beautiful.
The heat in my workplace with 2 bloody great ovens doing their stuff at 200 degrees is oppressive to say the least.

My computer at home finally got its much needed upgrade a couple of weeks ago.
It spazzed out yesterday & won't let me do anything other than look forlornly at the desktop, which isn't even my usual Kylie pic cos I hadn't got round to doing that yet.

There is evidence to suggest that Nice Not Hot at work as a serious crush on the Flashman.
Nice Not Hot has a boyfriend.

I could go on.

This forthcoming weekend is gonna be a bit strange. While some of you lot are at Glasto (sob), Reckless & Dream Girl are off up to Durham & The Boy is going to Watford all weekend to be with his Aunt & Uncle.
The upside of this is that I get to have a whole weekend to myself. The downside is that I haven't seen my little fella since Sunday & I'm not gonna see him till this Sunday. I miss him.
Friday looks like a good un'. We lab staff are having a "teambuilding" thing. This consists of the rest of them going out to play golf on friday afternoon (Me? Golf? Do me a favour!) & meeting up with me for an Indian & a few beers on Friday night. I may get me some pills, maybe.
Then Saturday is a totally blank canvas. Nothing to do & seemingly nobody to do it with. And, if things don't get sorted, no computer!
Any ideas?

I was speaking to Funny Dance earlier. He & his brood are moving to Somerset & they will be going before August the first. This makes me so, so sad. I'll miss him no end. Not to mention the kids. Hell I've only just started to get a grasp on which one of The Early Birds is which.
Bugger.

Anyway I thought I had lot's to write about but it appears I was deluding myself.
Wow, that almost never happens!

"The heat is stifling..."

...but I don't care!

Whilst watching my Freinds-athon last night a question popped into my head.
Y'know during the titles there is the bit with the handclaps, right? Well, when putting together the opening sequence does some poor sod have to painstakingly go through all the footage to find an appropriate shot (in series 9 it's Ross trying to shake his gloves off) or do the writers take it upon themselves to create a "clappy" bit at some point in each series?
Just musing, as you do.

So, 2 weeks on how are those new albums getting on. Well I would imagine that the White Stripes album is very good but I really wouldn't know because I find myself incapable of listening to anything but Coldplay.
I have fallen head over heels in love with "X & Y". It's all but perfect. At first I found myself worrying that the latter half of it was a little bit of a let down (as did many others) but it seems they just took a little longer to gel.
My favourite is still "Talk" though I really like all of them. The only slight problem for me is "Kingdom come" which is ok but doesn't end the album correctly. I know it's a "hidden" track & all that but the way "Twisted logic" ends is a sublime way to finish such a masterful record. It should've stayed finished.
"Speed of sound" is quite the dark horse isn't it? When it came along I liked it but thought it was all a bit samey, too much like "Clocks" & not the great leap forward I was expecting. Now it's simply one of the most insistent, lovable things I've heard in quite a while.

While I'm on about tunes I should warn you all that my thoughts have increasingly been dwelling on my 2nd album. I can't actually start it yet as I have a problem with Reason. It will be sorted soon. From a writing point of view I have 6 songs ready to go & a further 5 ideas that are on their way to becoming songs. These include the Spinsterwitch inspired "Skin hunger" & a song that is going to be about doing things that your not 100% sure you should be doing but are too scared of the fallout so you do them anyway, such as getting married. It's got a great title that I think will look smashing in print. I'm keeping it under wraps for now. In fact I'm going to keep all my cards a bit closer to my chest with this album. Assuming that you good people would like to hear some more from me then I'd like to think a little anticipation wouldn't do anyone any harm.
That said, I will also tell you that we now have the technology to have real guitar on the tracks so Reckless will actually appear on this one & I do have a cover version lined up too, which if it goes to plan will be nothing short of bloody ace!
"White celebration" will not be appearing on it & will no doubt go down in history alongside "Shake the disease","Whatever" & "The masses against the classes" as a great stand-alone track.
At present I have no timeframe in mind, I'm just gonna work on it & put it out when it's ready.
Are you scared?

I actually have to give someone some praise today.
I give her enough stick for all the horrible stuff she does so it's only fair that I recognise it when she does something nice, eh?
Temper Tantrum sent me the following text yesterday morning: "Happy father's day Flash. U R a fab dad, The Boy loves and adores u. hope u both have a great day"
Fancy that!
The Boy also bought me a very nice black short-sleeved shirt, which I really like.

Speaking of texts that have brought me cheer, on Friday I got one from Buddy With Boobs. She's been off work for some five weeks or so now & she told me she's missed me but spent the last couple of days reading my blog & that it had made her smile. At first I was a little shocked. I gave her the address of this place when it first got off the ground but at the time she decided she didn't want to read about things so close to her, which I respected & understood.
I spent my lunch break with her on Friday & we had a chat about it. She said that she really enjoyed reading it & thought I'd done a good job on reporting the night that we kissed. Phew!
I told her she should have commented instead of telling me, that would have given me a bloody shock! Anyway in case she's reading now: Get well soon babe & if you were any real kind of friend.... just kidding!

It's a time for a couple of anniversaries this week. Actually one of them was last week but I didn't notice! It's been just over a year since I moved into my apartment. It seems to have gone so fast. It's also a year & 2 days since I acquired Humbert! My beloved I-pod is one year old, bless him! I don't know how I coped before he came into my life. As I type he's doing his stuff over my right shoulder. "White shadows" by Coldplay if you're interested!
So happy birthday Humbert.

It's also nearly a year since I started this blog. Although the archives go back to January 2004, it only became a blog at the end of July. hmmm, I shall have to think of something truly spectacular to mark that occasion. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Hasn't it been nice to welcome summer back into our lives, eh? I love the summer.
My favourite thing about summer?
Girls wearing next to nothing! Hurrah!!

You all think I'm a dirty old perv, don't you?

"I'm lonely but I ain't that lonely yet"

Sometimes I don't even understand myself.
I've spent most of my weekend in the company of friends & my son, it's been perfectly pleasant.
I really don't think anything in particular started me off but right from waking up this morning I've felt myself sinking.
There are 2 reasons for you the reader not to be worried.
One is that I'm fine & therefore any worry would be misplaced.
The other is that I'm not planning to waffle on about why or where, etc.

One thing I have noticed; I rarely get visitors.
I realise that there are perfectly good, rational explanations for this. It's really not practical for most of my friends to come here with their battalions of children & all that.
Other than the occasional drop in for a quick coffee by Funny Dance or those infrequent times when Buddy With Boobs comes to see me, no one comes here.
Most of the time I'm cool with that but sometimes it would just be nice if someone came round & just hung out.
It's just a Sunday night thing, I guess.
When I get lonely I'll often pop on a Friends DVD & watch an episode or two.
I just watched 7 straight.

"So take a look at me now*"

*Stereophonics not Phil Collins

Ok, the time has come to reveal myself & my cohorts to the world.
I'm afraid it's a reverse timeline cos I did it wrong.
Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you; WORLD OF FLASH - THE PICTORIAL!

"On the outskirts of nowhere"

Ok I'm going try & reconstruct the remainder of yesterday's post that blogger ate.

I was about 3 weeks short of my 16th birthday when I first hitch-hiked. I still had another week off school & I wanted to go to Crapsville to visit my friend Married A Proper Bitch &, more importantly, Monochrome Baby with whom I was quite taken with.
I'm not sure how I managed to fob off my parents regarding my travel plans but I did somehow. Thinking about it now, I will go loopyloo if I find The Boy to be planning any such hair-brained scheme when he gets to 15.
Anyway I wondered up to Junction 41 of the M1, stood at the top of the sliproad & stuck out my thumb. Much to my surprise I had been picked up within a few minutes of standing there. My very first ride was only going as far as Sheffield but it was a start. I remember nothing of the driver of that first lift but the second one I remember all too well.
He must have been mid to late 20's & he was quite an unkempt fella. I'd been making small talk with him for about 20 minutes when out of the blue he asks me; "What's the gay life like in Wakefield?".
Now although I was seemingly able to embark on a career in hitch-hiking at age 15, I was still quite a naive boy. At this point in my life I hadn't smoked a cigarette nor had I ever seen or heard of anyone doing any drugs. I also had not gained membership to that exclusive club who had witnessed the contents of a girl's undergarments.
(Hey! That's it! My membership must have expired!)*
So I sat there genuinely thinking to myself "perhaps he means gay as in happy".
"Well?"
"Dunno" I said "I wouldn't really know anything about that"
"So you've never given a man a wank then?"
Now I knew that he didn't mean happy.
"NO! Course not!" I exclaimed with all the composure of a rabbit viewing the oncoming headlights through binoculars.
It then went quiet for a while...
My dodgy chauffeur finally broke the silence; "This is my junction coming up"
Oh thank fuck for that
"but I'll take you a couple of junctions further if you wank me off"
Oh fuck
"No thankyou, I'll get out here please".
I noticed him smile, I remember that smile. These days I even partially recognise it as a relative of the smile my face wears when one of my only-half-joking "if you were really my friend, you wouldn't let me suffer like this!" routines falls on Buddy With Boobs' deaf ears.
Anyway the car stopped & I got out.
And I ran.
It was only when I was free that fear began to really manifest itself. I was shaking, I felt sick & despite the snow & the early evening January chill, I was sweating.
After a short while I regained my calm & returned to the motorway. Seeing little other option I raised my thumb again. Soon I was Crapsville bound again & I arrived there a couple of hours later. I told no one of what had happened. Thinking about it I'm not completely sure whether I've ever told anyone.
Now after that you would correctly assume that any right-minded person would call a halt to any further hitch-hiking.
As I'm sure you know by now; Flash into right-minded just will not go.

I hitched pretty much everywhere I went for the next 7 years or so. To Edinburgh in the north, to Bournemouth in the south, Bristol in the west & loads in between. I met many wonderful, kind & entertaining characters on my travels. Never again did I ever have cause to fear for my safety, with the exception of the nutter who drove the whole journey at 125mph in torrential rain. However that trip still holds the record for Wakefield to Crapsville: 1 hour & 20 minutes.

I also met lots of fellow hitchers. The general wisdom was that every hitcher at some point will have a troubling experience. Guess I was just exceptionally unlucky to have mine on my very first trip.

It's really brought it all back to me. They were so many journeys & so many stories.
Hmmm, maybe my second novel, eh?

*I actually laughed out loud at myself when I wrote that bit!

"The habit of a windswept thumb"

Lordy B is quite simply a fine chap whose company I very much enjoyed. We ate, we had a couple of beers & we talked of many things. One topic was relationships. It was here that it became clear that even though we'd only physically met a couple of hours earlier, the wonderful world of blog had ensured that we were already firm friends & thus we were totally comfortable speaking of such things. He even got the scoop on my book!
His TV also entertained us with various videos from yesteryear. Including the horrible-on-the-ears-but-pleasant-on-the-eyes Sabrina video (you know the one). Youngsters be aware that long before any teenage witch nonsense came: Sabrina The pneumatically breasted harlot. Ah, the 80's!
Anyway I like the fella so much that I'm going with him (& Swiss Toni) on a day trip to Bolton on July 4th!

For the benefit of you non-Brits, Bolton is the jewel in the UK's crown. A place brimming with history, beauty & breathtaking architecture. York? Edinburgh? Bath? Pah! Bolton is where it's at, trust me. Would I lie to you?

Speaking of places on this fair isle of ours; What the bloody hell do you have against Leicester, Mistress Charby?
Is it a bizarre Derby thing?
I actually spent a short time living in Leicester in 1991 & though my dwelling would've answered to the name of Shit Tip if it were capable of speech, I found Leicester to be fine for a place of it's size. I've certainly seen worse places.
Anybody ever been to Hartlepool?

Funny that I should've found myself waxing about various places in this land because only yesterday something reminded me of my favoured mode of transport from days of yore. The way that I got to see lots of places I probably wouldn't have.
Yes folks I used to be a hitchhiker.

On the outskirts of nowhere
On the ringroad to somewhere
On the verge of indecision
I'll always take the roundabout way
Waiting on the rain
For I was born with a habit, from a sign
The habit of a windswept thumb
And the sign of the rain
10 points for anyone who can tell me where that lyric comes from!

I first hitched about 3 weeks before my 16th birthday

AND FUCKING BLOGGER HAS JUST EATEN THE REST OF THE POST WHICH TOOK FUCKING AGES & WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT.

FUCK CUNTYBOLLOCKS SHIT TRAMPWANK.

"Round the world computers crash & burn"

I am having some serious computer issues.
I will be back soon.
Sorry.

"The smile on my face looks as though it may be contagious"

I believe I owe a debt of gratitude to a certain lycra-clad giant in the Nottingham area.
Over the last 2 days there as been a massive surge in interest in "White celebration" which I'm sure is at least partly down to the big fella's link the other day. Thank you very much Swiss Toni.

The aforementioned tune has now been played 29 times & downloaded 23 times.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that this makes Flash a very happy bunny.

Yesterday I received a random e-mail from an unknown listener who praised my songs & particularly enjoyed the variation in styles. My heart glowed for a little while.
Another E-mail I received would have me giddy with excitement if I didn't suspect that it may be a scam of some sort. Frank at Hotlivebands.com asked me if I'd be interested in having one of my songs on a compilation CD that they are putting out. I e-mailed back & said I was intrigued. I also told him that as hot as we may well be, Gnu cnu are not much of a live band!
I haven't heard anything back yet but I'm fully expecting that I will have to pay for the honour. Cynical, moi?
Stompp, any knowledge of such things?

On top of all this I now find that I've been assisted in getting a foothold in the very lucrative Texan teenager market. Hurrah for me!

In other news, tomorrow I shall be going off to meet another fellow blogger. Following my trip to London to meet with Charby I shall this time be heading up to deepest Leicestershire to the home of Lordy B! I'm very much looking forward to it. We shall no doubt put the world to rights & quaff lots of ale.
A word of warning though Lord, so much of a hint of Phil Collins & I'm outta there!

"You can take a picture of something you see"

This morning I undertook a little mini project. It was discussed with HotLegs last week that I was sure I had a couple of photo's of her & her daughter from when Temper Tantrum used to work for her. I said I would e-mail them to her. So today I dug out my big box of photos & set about trying to find them. I found two of the daughter & one of me & HotLegs in the same picture! I'll do the required scanning & sending tomorrow.

In finding these 3 pics I did have to scour through hundreds of photos. Sadly having to get to work on time stopped me from browsing through all of them but it was a pleasant trip down memory lane.
Many things occurred to me during this journey, not least that I really should get my hair cut more often. Far too many snaps featuring an unkempt mop atop my head! I also really enjoyed (& I always do) seeing all my old clothes.

Of course the most important thing about photos are the people captured on them.
So many people.
Lots, as you can imagine, of Temper Tantrum & myself back in our happy days.
Grillions of The Boy in various stages of his young life, including one of him aged 2 sharing a chair with John Hartson's* little girl. I told him to keep in with her but it fell on deaf ears!

*For the benefit of my overseas readers John Hartson is a footballer.

There seemed to be an alarming amount of pics taken at weddings of people who are no longer married. These often have the notable pics of myself, Funny Dance, Reckless & Married A Proper Bitch all together looking smart. One in particular always makes me piss my pants.
Taken at Reckless' wedding to TemperMental it features the 4 of us all in our finery. And all 4 of us are sporting some sort of facial hair. I (& I maybe biased here but what the hell...) look fine as I actually sported a goatee & tache combo for several years & it suited me just fine. The other 3 look laughable, especially Reckless with his ridiculous moustache. He shaved it off very shortly afterwards & it's never been seen since. God bless cameras, eh?

Going back further in time there are similar snaps of the previous gang of four; The Duke of Jokes, Gentle Giant, Ridgely & myself. Nice jumper mate!

I particularly enjoyed seeing my Butlins photos. So many friends, so many girls, so many memories. Then there was JockoThiefGirl. Grrr! I'll tell you the tale one day of how her actions ensured my stay at Butlins only lasted 4 months when I'd have quite happily had another year or two there.

Then there is all the girls I've loved before!
Except there isn't.
Looking back I can't believe how weak I was & how it was a very early warning sign that I should've taken a lot more notice of. Temper Tantrum basically had me destroy all my pictures of Monochrome Baby who was her predecessor in long term relationship terms.
Regret it? You betcha.
I saw just one pic of her & that's a poorly lit group shot. I don't hold any great depth of feeling for Monochrome Baby, in fact I often struggle to remember anything we actually did during our 4 years together, but she is an important part of my past. On top of that she was very pretty, the prettiest of all my (legitimate) partners. It would just be nice to have one or two really nice pictures that capture her during our time together.

I came across a handfull of pictures of Dream Girl that were taken with a really good camera. I do not use the term lightly but people; she really is beautiful.

I also found my favourite 2 pics of Horny As Hell, who was my first proper girlfriend back when we both 16/17. In one she's standing outside Bradford St. Georges hall as we waited in line for a Depeche Mode gig, her hair is backcombed to within an inch of it's life & her make up is all a bit goth, but she looks great. The other was taken in Sheffield city centre which is made pretty by the blanket of snow that covers everything. It was still snowing as the shutter clicked & somehow that photo just captured how wonderful that girl was. Though she probably hates my memory with a passion (I dumped her) I have nothing but lovely warm feelings about Horny As Hell. Bless her, I hope wherever she is & whatever she's doing, she's happy.

One small wallet of pictures always causes me mild panic when I find it. It lived in my draw at work for so long that having in my home still surprises me. It contains the photo's taken at Chicago's in Northampton back in January of 1999. It was a night out with several people from work. Something we did quite regularly at the time. This night though somebody brought a camera. It also happened to be the night when the She Who Changed Everything saga began. No one else would know just from looking at the pictures but we did. They always slightly disappoint me in that almost every shot of me is unflattering & hardly any of them do her justice. We did have great fun in trying to get into loads of pictures together. Irrespective of what followed, that night will always be one of the happiest times I've ever had. Odd that I should find those photos today considering my recent idea to turn the story into a book.
Maybe a little nudge from fate, eh?

I feel like I've got to a point where my anonymity is hanging by a thread. I always clung to the idea that if anyone who shouldn't ever found these pages that I would have plausible deniability. I really don't think I could get away with that now. There is only really one person who don't want nosing about here (Dream Girl has already been here & seen it all!) & I feel relatively safe.
My point being I feel a strong desire to post some pictures. I'd like to share!
If I do it wont happen overnight so don't hold your breath.

"She's just a girl I used to know"

I got into bed last night & as I lay there I thought to myself "What shall I post about tomorrow?".
I soon decided that I would tell you the tale of She Who Changed Everything.
As I went over it in my head I realised that it would be a long one & I'd probably have to do it in parts. Then it occured to me that the story of her & I and everyone around that story could well be the novel I always told myself I'd write.
What do you think?
Does my writing style lend itself to writing a whole book?
I used to be very confident about writing but I've since seen many better writers than I here in Blogland, so now I'm not so sure.
It would be one hell of a project, bigger than anything I've attempted before.
Meditate on this I will.

And don't think I haven't noticed that everybody ignored my pleas about "White celebration".
Hmmmph.

"Why live in the world when you can live in your head?"

Random random random random.

I live in the town centre of a very small town in middle England. A town so insignificant that it was recently mocked in a national TV advert for McDonalds;
"Crapsville? Where's that?"
"Never heard of it, where?"
"I think it maybe off the M1 somewhere"
etc.
Our local paper went into spasms, the front place screaming "We'll show them!" and claiming to pester McDonalds into filming their next commercial in the town.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen!
Anyway prior to going to work today I ambled over to Greggs to get a couple of sausagerolls for lunch. Whilst patiently standing in line I heard what I will loosely term as music coming from somewhere. It was a busker! In Crapsville!! Bless the poor bugger, he must be either dillusional or demented to think he could earn a crust here! Especially with his unique take on what you & I would call singing. Imagine, if you will, a hybrid of Vic Reeves' finest pub singer voice & Shane McGowan playing George Michael's "Faith". Eee, it tickled me! I never actually saw the guitar wielding freak but he ensured that my day started with a smile!

I then popped in at the petrol station near work to stock up on fags & food for the night ahead.
"I'll have an Aero" I thought to myself. I have to confess that usually when picking up something like that I seldom notice the price of such an item.
Today I did. 50p!
50
fucking
p!
For an Aero!!! Half of it is just bubbles of air for christ's sake!
What is this crazy world coming to????
I put it back & had a Double Decker instead for the much more reasonable price of 42p. And there's no air bubbles.

"Talk" is my early favourite from "X & Y"
"Take take take" is my early favourite from "Get behind me Satan"
Oasis? Yeah, like that's gonna happen!

So to "White celebration". Since it's release 2 and a half weeks ago it has had 21 plays & 20 downloads. This, in soundclick terms at least, makes it far and away my most popular tune yet.
Now I know this doesn't actually mean it's any good or that people like it, just that they've taken a chance on it. The frustrating thing is getting no feedback. Delusions of Grandeur has, much to my utter disbelief, become of of my biggest supporters where my music is concerned. To the point where he plays it to people when they come round his place. Bless him! Though we often don't see eye to eye on work issues, I have been genuinely touched & impressed by his (for want of a better word) devotion to the Gnu Cnu cause.
He doesn't like "White Celebration" & I could see he felt uncomfortable telling me but I totally respected him for it.
So I turn to you, my friends. Please, if you have had a listen or 2, can I have some feedback please. I can take it if you don't like it!
The 2 or 3 of you that have already expressed their thoughts - thanks. Especially Hyde who said she loved it (whoo hoo!).

The bloody waste water system is annoying so much that I'm considering kicking it very hard.

Shed seven, remember them?
They were ace. They were never gonna be Radiohead or cause Blur to lose any sleep & they knew it. It was a crying shame that their passing went without anyone noticing because their farewell single, "Why can't I be you?", was utterly stupendously stonking. It was up there with "Beat surrender" for a fine finale. Bless 'em.
(No prizes for guessing which Shed's tune just emanated from Humbert)

Humbert, now that's a funny name for an I-pod, isn't it?
I'm actually quite happy to be addressing my little coochywoochy babykins as Humbert.
Thank you big fella!
After all it could've been Frogmella!

Okeydoke, time for Chairman Flash's thoughts on bashing one's bishop.
I've actually been kinda putting this off, not because I'm embarrassed by discussing such an intimate act but because I fear it may have been built up to something special. It is not. I'm also fascinated that Charby assumed she knew what they were. I assure you my friends I was not that drunk on the evening of our meeting. I don't think.
The Three Degrees of Masturbation:
One: The porn assisted knock one out quick wank.
Minimum effort required by the body's prime sexual organ (The brain) means that despite a quick result, satisfaction is limited & desire for another one isn't far away. Kinda like having McDonalds for tea!
Two: The porn assisted let's not rush things here wank.
Much more fulfilling than No.1 , a comfortable location is highly desirable, so is porn in the form of a video/dvd. It is thought to be impossible to accomplish No.2 in front of a computer.
Three: No porn required thankyou very much I can do this alone wank.
The daddy of the tug, this pleasurable pastime is fuelled purely by the intertwinable bedfellows of imagination, fantasy & memory. Requires some degree of effort & a disciplined mind (one random dodgy thought & it's right back to the beginning!) but the rewards are much more amplified than No.s 1 & 2.
Any questions?
Good.

So I kicked part of the waste water system. I don't think either of us got anything out of it at all. I didn't hurt myself as I am wearing steel toed boots & I didn't hurt the waste water system because, well let's be honest here, it's an inanimate object.
It's still being a twat though & I feel it wouldn't be so cocky if faced with some petrol & my lighter.

While I was dealing with it I skipped Spandau Ballet's "True" & I swear I heard Lordy B tutting.
Or it was a tremor in the force.

Also whilst down there I had a(nother) very stupid thought. I observed somebody flying around in one of those motorised hang-glider type things. As I admired it serenely soaring above me I spotted something flashing. Ah, he's taking pictures I think to myself. Then I realise that it's some sort of beacon light as it's flashing at a consistent pace. Then I think "You dozy pillock" as it occurs to me that if he/she was indeed taking photos from his lofty position in the sky, a flash would be as much use as a sponge umbrella.
Doh!

"Nothing quite like the feel of something new"

Another lyric that Cheryl might recognise!

A wise man once said "Music was my first love & it will be my last". I totally dig that!
The tunes have always been there for me through thick & thin. They lull me to sleep at night, they make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up & they soundtrack my life.
Right from my earliest memories of Abba, "I lost my heart to a starship trooper" & Joseph & the technicolour dreamcoat I've not been able to function properly without regular doses of tunes.
These days I'm very lucky in that I probably spend more time listening to music than I ever have. I rarely watch TV at home & my I-tunes is always on. At work, particularly on this shift, Humbert feeds me.
Irrespective of how much music I have (and I like to think I have a lot!) I always crave more. New music still appeals now as much as it did when I was 14.
Today has been a fine day for me.
This morning at (really wanted to say 4.50 there!) half past nine Buddy With Boobs came round straight from Tesco armed with "X & Y" by Coldplay (which is getting it's 3rd listen right now as I type) & "Get behind me Satan" by The White Stripes. I gleefully fed them into the computer as I had on Thursday when she brought round Oasis' "Don't believe the truth" album. 3 major new albums in the space of 5 days! Ace!
Then when I got to work, Nice Not Hot had brought me in a copy of New Order's recent "Waiting for the siren's call" album that I hadn't got round to getting yet!
So far 2005 has been a raging success in my book for new albums. And I've recently been listening to not much else than my 2005 smart playlist, so I'm really getting to know them all now.
Let's explore shall we?

American Idiot - Green Day
Now I know this came out in 2004 but I didn't get it till xmas & then didn't really listen to it until January. When I did I was blown away. It has now moved past the addiction stage but my god what a beautiful shock it gave me. Having always written Green Day off has snotty punk chanchers I could not (& sometimes still can't!) believe what I was hearing. Two nine minute epics made up of different segments? That can't work surely? Oh my it can! There is not a single skipper on this, not one. If it had come out 2 months earlier it may well have taken the Flashy from Snow Patrol's "Final straw". It's that bloody good! 10

Tourist - Athlete
I like this album, it's nice & it has some quietly moving moments on it, notably "Yesterday through everything at me" & of course, the wonderful "Wires". That's all it is though; nice. 6

Pushing the senses - Feeder
Feeder, they pretty much do the same thing album after album. Though in it's defence I haven't listened to it much as an album, I have however heard enough to know that it's ok & I'm happy to have it in my world. I wouldn't miss it much if it were to run away though. 5

The Bravery - The Bravery
Hmmm, again I like this, it's ok. No one track particularly gets me going but I do quite enjoy listening to it now & again. They are apparently involved in some sort of feud with The Killers. On musical terms The Killers won't be losing any sleep. 6

Some Cities - Doves
Again I've not really played this as an album much but each time something pops out of Humbert I enjoy it. "Black & white town" & "Walk in fire" (which is so similar to "There goes the fear" it's hard to resist) are my favourites, but it all sounds good. 7

Employment - Kaiser Chiefs
Hailing from Leeds & named after Lucas Radebe's pre-Leeds football team, these boys won favour before I'd heard a note. What I did hear pleased me no end! "I predict a riot" is utterly top notch, "Everyday I love you less & less" brings a smile every time it comes on & "Na na na na naa" is like a sugar rush! A great album that's full of fun, snappy tunes & smart lyrics. A winner. 8

Language. Sex. Violence. Other? - Stereophonics
I had little hope for this offering after the last 2 albums. I used to love this band & their debut album remains one of my very favourites to this day. My hopes were raised dramatically when I heard the lead single; "Dakota". Months on & I still adore that song, it's a good as anything they've done. So with renewed hope I listened & I wasn't disappointed. Though still not up with their first 2 albums, it pisses on the last 2. It rocks, it swaggers & Kelly's voice sounds much better than the affected growl he'd come to use. A return to form & an album I still enjoy hearing. 7

I'm wide awake, it's morning - Bright eyes
Something of a curio this one. I'd never heard of them/him prior to reading a five star review of the album in Q magazine. Q do not hand out 5 stars lightly so I figured it was worthy of investigation. It's taken a while but it's slowly becoming something I could love. It's all a bit country (which is rarely a good thing in my book) & in places I've wanted to kick him up to arse to gee him up a bit. It's insidious though & every listen it burrows it's way into my consciousness. The closing track; "Road to joy" is indeed joyous. 7 (& rising)

Open season - British sea power
I wasn't expecting too much from this. Their first album had a couple of stonkers on it ("Remember me" & "Carrion") but on the whole it didn't do much for me. I have been pleasantly surprised. It's much cleaner sounding than the last effort & is full of good songs. I'm especially keen on "Please stand up" which is catchy as hell without being irritating & "Oh Larsen B" which has a great riff throughout it & is about the singer's favourite Antarctic ice shelf. I wish I could write about stuff like that! 7

Elevator - Hot hot heat
Are Hot hot heat the best thing to come out of Canada since Ka? On the evidence of this they sure are! This is simply chock full of tunes, great tunes. And I know already it's not gonna become grating like the last one. Contains possibly the most aptly titled song ever; "Jingle jangle". 7 and a half

With teeth - Nine inch nails
Still really not sure about this. "The hand that feeds" is chuffing blinding & "Right where it belongs" is hypnotically ace but the rest of it is yet to take a hold on me. Which would be a rum state of affairs with most bands, but with NIN I take nothing for granted. Reckless had to forcefeed me "Pretty hate machine" for weeks before I fell for it. "Broken" hurt my ears & frankly, "The downward spiral" scared me! So the jury is still out on "With teeth".

As it obviously is on Oasis, The White Stripes, Coldplay & New Order.
All that I'm missing at this point are Garbage (with I've not read a good review of yet, so I may not bother) & The Tears (which also came out today & didn't stand a chance, maybe next week).
Any thing you think I've missed out on let me know & tell me what's floated your musical boats so far this year?

"The weekends are perfectly nice"

I've had a very low key weekend.
It's been nice though.
And now I've sat here I can't think of anything of note to say that isn't going to require some degree of concentration & I'm just not up to it.
New Coldplay & White Stripes albums in the morning.
Whoo hoo!
Night peeps.

"We must have had fun 'cos now I'm broke"

The Boy & I arrived in sunny Wakefield just in time for tea on Sunday evening after spending a couple of days over at Reckless & Dream Girl's place.
We immediately went to the pub for a meal with the rest of the folks & caught up a bit.
We got up bright & early on Monday morning & before you could say "Hang on, sunshine on a bank holiday Monday?", my mum & dad, Our Kid, The Boy & myself where on our way to Blackpool. We arrived just before lunchtime & for some reason Our Kid decided to park in the town area. Now I've been to Blackpool a few times since childhood but I hadn't been in this part for years. The part that's chock full of cheapo supermarkets where fat women in threadbare leggings drag their scruffy urchins around as they fill their trolleys with crap to be cooked in their self catering "apartments". Anyway, it was a truly glorious day, the sun was beating down as we first had a mosey along central pier & then got a tram down to the pleasure beach. Our time at the pleasure beach was all for The Boy. He went on a few of the tame rides, we went in the maze together (which really was a hoot!) & I tried in vain to get Our Kid to go on the Big One with me. We then bought a bucket & spade & spent some time on the beach. The Boy would've quite happily stayed there all day but eventually it was time to go home. On the way back I dwelled a little on how old age has really caught up with my father, I found myself on many occasions throughout the day having to stop to allow him to catch up with us. It's all a bit saddening. That sobering note aside, we all had a smashing family day out. Which was nice.

On Tuesday in was time for my 3rd trip to see Revenge of the Sith. I knew my Dad would be dying to see it but I also knew he wouldn't go on his own. I told him that it seemed natural somehow; He'd taken me 28 years ago to see the first one & now I was taking him to see the last one. The Boy was overjoyed to be going again. When we came out & made our way to the car he looked up at me & with bottom lip quivering said "Dad, when the cloners were killing the jedis my heart was beating fast". I gave him a cuddle & told him I felt the same. It was kinda cool to see that it had moved him emotionally though.
After tea it was time to head into town to join The Duke of Jokes for a beer or 6. We half watched England's non-fixture against Columbia as we spoke of Leeds, this blog, White Celebration & it's trademark Flash vocal breakdown, what Charby looks like (he asked), whether he should do a blog of his own, Depeche Mode & women. When the game finished we ventured up the road to Reflex, the 80's bar. Within seconds of getting our drinks we were accosted by a very odd fellow. He was clearly out of it & in retrospect giving him a cigarette may have been a bad idea. He spoke utter crap to us in a highly affected camp accent & when he grabbed my arse it became clear an escape route was needed. While The Duke of Jokes was admonishing him for his unruly behaviour, I legged it in the direction of 2 women who'd just walked in. I told them of our plight & asked if they would mind if we joined them for a while to throw our mentalist stalker off the scent. They agreed & I went back to the bar to get them drinks & to rescue my friend. We sat with our newly acquired friends & started chatting. It turned out that they were mother & daughter. The daughter was only 14 & had been taken out by mum to cheer her up after being dumped. She did NOT look 14 & I felt for the poor young lad who spent the rest of the evening coming on to her. The mother, HotLegs, & I got talking. As we exchanged little snippets of info something in the back of my mind was twitching & flickering. I went to loo & whilst there it all clicked into place, I knew this woman!
I returned, sat myself next to her & said "I'm gonna freak you out now". She looked justifiably worried, "Go on" she said. So I did...
"Your surname is *****"
"yes"
"You used to sell film for a living"
"Yeah"
"You used to have a lodger who was a young conservative"
"You were married to or living with a guy called Steven"
"I have played Trivial Pursuit with you"
She was visibly shocked. "How do you know all this?"
"...And you used to have a nanny from Watford called Temper Tantrum"
She didn't remember this which amused me no end because Temper Tantrum used to idolise this woman! So I told her how Temper Tantrum nannied for her little girl in late 93/early 94 & how Temper Tantrum was my ex-wife.
It was then my turn to be shocked as she motioned to her daughter on the dance floor looking every inch the fully grown women (even though she wasn't). "That's the little girl who she nannied for" as she said that I looked at the young girl's face & I suddenly recognised something in her eyes! Crikey! I had pushed her on the swings when she was a toddler!!
This obviously gave us much common ground & we carried on talking till chucking out time.
We stood outside the pub & discovered that the only place in town still open had already turned away the underage daughter. Both HotLegs & I were keen to carry on but time had beaten us. Realising I had nothing to lose but my reader's faith in me the next time I make some kind of grand proclamation, I asked her if she like to come out with me the next night explaining that I was heading back home to Crapsville on Thursday.
She said yes.

Wednesday was spent being lazy, nursing a hangover & bemoaning the pissing down rain which scuppered our plans to go to the national mining museum. Our Kid & SportyBruv called by at teatime & asked if they could have The Boy for the evening. Which was fine on all levels, they love seeing him & he adores the pair of them. It also made me feel a bit better about going out again. HotLegs couldn't make it till late which gave me lots of time to preen.
Eventually I wondered up to Leeds road & caught the bus into town at about 9. We'd arranged to meet at the 80's bar so I sat myself down with a pint. As I was finishing my second pint she finally arrived. She was accompanied by a man, which I thought was not a good sign. Turned out though that he was her gay housemate who had driven her to Wakefield. He stayed for one drink & left us to it. We went to another bar where we found a quiet & comfy little spot. We talked a lot & it was plain that there was a mutual attraction there. One thing that has stuck in my mind is she said that I have sad eyes. We spoke of life as thirty-something singletons & how you miss the intimacy of being with someone whilst resolutely not letting anyone in who isn't what you want. We were sitting on small leather cube type things facing each other with no table between us. My legs were apart with her's close together in the space between mine. We were getting closer all the time, our eyes almost locked on each other as we spoke. She told me I should be more impulsive & she kissed me. I told her she was probably right & I kissed her.
Now loyal readers, it pains me to say this but her breath wasn't pleasant. Not that it was going to stop me but it did kind of spoil things. As the night wore on & drinks flowed our conversation turned to sex. I admired her no nonsense approach when she asked why 2 people such as ourselves would meet up for a drink knowing full well that one of them leaves town the next day. So we were going to be having sex. Yay!
Except we weren't. See there was no where for us to go. She didn't take men back to her house because of her kids, which I respected & commended her for & I was staying at my elderly parent's house.
Her driver arrived a while later & they gave me a lift home. I was a bit miffed when she got in the front because I thought at least we could have had a quick drunken fumble in the back for 5 minutes. She must have been thinking the same way because she very quickly & inelegantly clambered her way in to the back to join me for a last long snog complete with drunken fumbling. She told me she would've blown my mind *sigh*
My last look at her was a view of this attractive, classy (not on the evidence of the night in question!) women sprawled across the leather seats of her Jaguar with her clothing in a state of disarray smiling sadly at me as I closed the door. So that was HotLegs.

He shoots, he sees the ball hit the post & roll right along the goal line, hit the other post & trickle away to nothing. Story of my life?

In truth I'm not down about it. I mean I actually met a woman who did want me & that can only be a good thing.

And today we came home.
It's not gone unnoticed that I've piqued your interest with my theories on masturbation, by the way. Nor have your thoughts on White Celebration, especially AJ's fantastic interpretation of it! It's another post for another day.
So my arse is numb from sitting here as I typed all that lot & I've still got to see how you lot are!
I need a cushion & despite a valiant effort I still need a shag!
For now though I'll settle for a cushion.